Thursday, March 26, 2009

It Was a Record Day....

Today Miss Daisy drove all by my own self!! I still have to follow others because seriously, the directions leave a little bit to be desired:

"You head down "S Road" (S being a name that describes how the road looks on the map, not because it is named S, or because it starts with an S, or even has an S in it...I think technically its name is something with all vowels and then a string of consonants -- hence, "S.") Then turn left at the large pile of dirt with the plastic bags on top, head straight(ish) down that road until you reach a paved road and go right by the man with one leg who leans on the big sign, make an immediate right by the pack of stray dogs that sleep in the road....(don't wake them, they're sleepy). The embassy is right down there -- you can't miss it!

Usually, we describe our Embassy overseas as the large structure you can't see because it is literally surrounded by huge concrete barriers with constantine razor wire on top......"when you come to a building that may or may not be a maximum security prison, look up. If you see a flag - that's us!"

I gotta admit, moving to a new post - to a new office - and to a new culture is a bit overwhelming!! I feel like an idiot who can't even get herself to work and assume everyone is mocking me (because you KNOW I totally would mock them for this same shit!)

Damnitt! Foiled again!!

I also found out that my choice of shoes to bring was woefully inadequate. Here is my dilemma: Okay, so it's HOT here....and not just hot, it's AFRICA HOT! So naturally you would assume that you wouldn't want to wear closed shoes (for those of you in the north, think back to your last beach vacation...would you want to have your normal work shoes?? NO!) SO, after actually putting some THOUGHT into it, I packed mostly my sandals and open toed shoes, thinking I would be tres chic!

Turns out, NOTHING is paved and sidewalks have not yet been invented here (I am totally gonna make a fortune on this when I crack the sidewalk code for the Sudanese! I'll be their national hero!) and even though there are high tech signs and beautiful buildings, nobody thought to do anything about the roads or walkways. (I would take more pics for you, but I found out I'm not allowed to take any pics until I get my "Pass" from the Ministry of Interior here. I don't wanna get PNG'd from Sudan and have to go back to Washington and explain that I was booted and shamed the USG because I totally wanted to illustrate the seriousness of this dirt issue on my blog. How totally awkward would THAT be??)

ANYWAY, (stay with me here) when you walk outside, your shoes literally fill up with dirt. Normally, I would bitch, but eventually get over it. HOWEVER, I also had to check in with the medical office here at the Embassy (where I got my info on the Lassa Fever -- day 3, no headache or fever organs are safe from melting another day) who ALSO informed me about the "worms" that get into you by burrowing into your skin -- where do those worms live?? They live in the damn dirt.

WTF?!?!....How the hell is anyone left alive here??

Clearly, I need to baracade myself in either my office or my house because I cannot take another factoid about Africa! I already was bit by a mosquito and assume I now have malaria on top of my Lasso Fever.... PLUS, I just found out from reading Jane's blog that Mother F'in snakes can Mother F'in kill you AFTER they are Mother F'in dead!

Can a Mother F'er get a Mother F'in break up in this place!?!?!


Gaston Studio said...

God, I love your driving direction descriptions, especially the one legged man leaning on the signpost!
And what you have to look for to find the embassy!
Now, as to your shoe problem, try rubbing something really stinky on your feet before putting on your shoes... surely that would freak out the worms and turn them toward the next person coming down the dirt path. Just an idea.

Anonymous said...

Gosh you just described how they give directions in the just hope the dog hasn't moved. :) and shit girl buy yourself some closed toe shoes...they should cost what? 1000?

SuburbanCorrespondent said...

Did you read Dave Sedaris's new book "When You Are Engulfed in Flames"? The first chapter talks about how his boyfriend and his boyfriend's mother had those flesh-burrowing worms when they lived in Africa. Very funny...

Beth said...

I want to know what these worms will do to you? Are they like the ones my mother would tell me about that come out of your butt at night? No? Well, don't worry about it.

I can totally visualize the directions. Totally. Do you think its safe to describe to others how to find you? But maybe if they come they could bring some closed toe shoes.