There has been much debate over the years whether men and women can truly be friends -- many citing negative indications having their root in sexual tensions. I've never bought into this premise; I frankly have a number of male friends -- a few of which I count amongst my BFFs -- and the only tension we encounter is when they need help moving or they want me to actually travel somewhere to meet them for dinner or drinks. I mean, obviously that's not gonna happen!
However, today I discovered definitive proof that a real friendship between the sexes is simply not possible because men lack a basic understanding of what is important. Naturally, I discovered it via text message because I don't like to actually speak directly TO other people if at all possible. So in the interest of science, I submit to you definitive evidence:
Me: Shit! Shit! Shit! I think I left my comb in the hotel in DC!!!! OMFG! What am I going to do now?
Me: WTF do you mean, ? I can't find my comb Kevin! I can't comb my damn hair! I'm going to get dreadlocks!!!!
Kevin: Don't you have another comb?
Me: WHAT?! I can't use another comb! I've had this comb since college! This comb effin moved with me to the middle east! It survived Africa and the Iraq war Kevin! That combs a god-damned hero!!! You should be thankful to that comb, it fought for your freedom.
Kevin: Are you having a stroke?
Me: Maybe! This is horrible!!
Me: Shit! I'm supposed to give that presentation to that college in San Diego tomorrow! I'm obviously
going to have to cancel now. I can't represent the USG with crazy hair! Wait, California is really casual. Do you think I could wear a hat?
Kevin: Probably not appropriate.
Me: But it's after Memorial Day.
Kevin: What does that mean?
Me: What is wrong with you? What do you mean what does that mean? There are RULES about Memorial Day Kev, things are allowed to be more casual after Memorial Day. How the hell can you not know about this?!?! Without Rules our whole society breaks down Kevin!
Kevin: Seriously, I think you are having a stroke. Maybe you should call 911
Me: Dude, you gotta go right now to the Marriott where I was staying and see if they have my comb!
Kevin: Yeah, I'm probably not going to do that...
Me: Ugh! You're right. You know some thieving maid got her grubby paws on it by now. I wonder if its on eBay? I should google that shit. But first, I should call the professor to tell him I'm not gonna make it tomorrow.
Kevin: You can't seriously be thinking of canceling your presentation. What the hell would you tell him?
Me: I'd tell him that I EFFING LOST MY COMB! What the hell else would I tell him? NORMAL people understand the strategic implications here.
Me: I'm not sure why you are being so hateful right now.
Kevin: JUST GET ANOTHER COMB! You're a god-damned nut job!!
Me: How DARE you!? I can't just get another comb! They don't make this comb anymore! I've tried to get another comb you ass!!! If it were possible to get another comb do you think I would have this spare drawer of 72 other combs that DON'T WORK RIGHT?
Kevin: Don't work right? It's a COMB! They comb! What the hell else do they do?! Jesus! How on earth do you still walk among the normal people?!?
Me: I can't even talk to you about this! You're being irrational!
Kevin: Oh for God's sake. Please just call Liz.
Me: I will. SHE understands.
Kevin: Thank you. TTYL
Me: Maybe. I need to think about the efficacy of our continued friendship.
Kevin: Whatever! You'll be back the next time you think the lady at the Smoothie place purposefully put bananas in your smoothie because she knows you hate them.
Me: SHE DOES! She's a total biatch! She just doesn't like to do special orders!!!
Kevin: You should steal her comb. Then leave a note that says, "You know what you did."
Me: I forgive you.
Impersonating A Gentile
1 day ago