Tuesday, April 28, 2009

When Will I Learn??!?

Now I know you all are probably well aware by now that I am not really into learning things. And normally, I would never suggest such a thing or try to impose that horror onto another. However, how many times must I be betrayed before I learn my lesson!?

WHY? For the love of all that is holy and good in this world WHY!?!?! It's a lesson I have been taught time and time again, and yet, I fall for it every. single. time.

Foreign Cake is NOT cake!

I first encountered this phenomenon (how the hell do you spell that? I have no spell check here - it checks Arabic spelling and is not so helpful to me - in case you guys haven't noticed yet - and yes, I AM un-literate.) when I arrived in Peshawar, Pakistan for my very first overseas posting. Waaaay back in 1999. (And trust me when I say this, it is very difficult to party like it is 1999 in Peshawar! Pakistani Population: 2 million;
American population: 8,
cute single boy population: 0

(I'm not a ho! This was before Josh! I was single, approaching 30 and already had a kitty. Things were NOT looking good for me!!)

I remember it as if it were only yesterday. I arrived at the Khyber Club for a birthday celebration for someone whose name I now forget (because it wasn't me) and there it was, this large sheetcake with what appeared to be fluffy frosting all over it. I was immediately enchanted (I have no idea what kind it was - I did not discriminate against cake products at that time.) So then they cut the cake and passed it around.... The cake to person ratio was WAAAY in my favor. I was stoked!

It tasted like white bread with crisco on top.

Undaunted, I tried another bite because it was CAKE man...cake can't be bad! UNPOSSIBLE!

It tasted like feet.

From then on I realized that I should be wary of foreign cake products. That not all cakes were created equal. However, because I am such a kind and giving person - I tried to give all cakes a chance. To welcome them into my household. Only to be brutally abused with each different foreign posting. For the record, I have not tried Canada or the UK's cakes - I am, however, very suspicious.

(I am also suspicous of foreigners who try to claim that their cake is delicious - such as the french. I fell for that once before. I believe that french pastry is exposed to sugar during the baking process at some point - but it is never actually put into the desserts. DO NOT TRUST THEM!)

So anyway, last night was the South African National Day Event. Naturally, I attended. This time, however, I was not insulted by everyone in the room! (Thank Allah!) The South Africans may not love Americans, but they also do not openly insult us -- and for this, I give them snaps.

HOWEVER, following a speech from the Ambassador that lasted approximately 48 mintes and I believe included such comments as "and then when I was in the THIRD grade...." I started to pay attention again when I noticed them wheeling out a cake for the ceremonial cutting of the cake! For a minute there I thought that Angels had begun to sing, but then I realized that it was just the background music starting (great timing though).

My hopes were up....these guys didn't hate America (openly)...these guys spoke English and were polite to me. So it was natural for me to believe that they would have good cake. Right?


I'm not sure what the hell that was, but once again I was betrayed by a foreign cake.

I have officially learned my lesson! Unless it has Betty Crocker stamped all over it, I'm not going to go there!

(until someone else wheels out a cake...)


darsden said...

how many times do I have to tell you dammit.. it is not the food IT is What you are adding to the food that is the problem.. Answer this...What did you soak the cake in this time...? Vodka Moms left overs drink glasses?
or where you trying to bleech your teeth at the same time... I just don't know about you.. you sure can point that finger...so next time step infront of a mirror to point!

Gaston Studio said...

LOL, I feel so bad for you sweetie because when I was in Bahrain and Egypt, man we had some good eats and fantastic desserts, including... cake! Of course, I was exposed to top foreign chefs who knew what the hell they were doing so there you go.
If you had just gotten posted a wee bit north and to the east, you'd be in heaven right now.
BTW, do you have access to fresh eggs and regular milk over there? I sure hope so.

P.S. ONE of my daughters sent me an Amazon gift card today (hope the other one reads this)!

Anonymous said...

well South Africans have some english influence- i married one...and he speaks funny and all! you should see us when I cant understand his lingo and we're like wha? whot? wha? whot? SPEAK ENGLISH DAMN IT! but his mom's cooking? Ew.

Jane! said...

We need to just rename what we call cake. Set some standards and call it spongy delishushness or something. Same goes for pudding.

Deb said...

I am so sorry for your loss of yummy cake. It is wrong on so many levels...

Ravensgirl said...

I am follower #50...do I win a prize??!! Just kidding. I am loving reading your blog....very funny and insightful! I have always come to the same conclusion while living and sightseeing overseas....no one makes the same types of desserts as we do!

Bon Don said...

Trickery with cakery is a no no! It happens to the best of us once I had this horrible milk soaked cake from Mexico *blech-gag* gross! Completly caught me off gaurd I gaged and my eyes teared up so wrong!

Elizabeth said...

Funny that you should post this today, as someone brought in a ginormous Costco cake today at work! It was FAB! I pretended to really know and like the person whose birthday it was. I even sang Happy Birthday really loud and clapped at the end. Then I casually knocked over a trainee in order to ensure I got a corner piece.

However, I was subsequently "Cake Sick," or more specifically, I was "Costco Cake Sick," which, as you know, is a particularly vicious strain of that illness.

And don't tell Minoy there was cake in the building and she didn't get any cuz she'll come down and kick my ass!

Hit 40 said...

Now I need cake!!! Sorry to disappoint you with the '70's post. I kind of thought that I might fool a couple of you.

I had a disclaimer before it that I deleted to warn some of you not to read it. The chainsaw story needs to be posted in full. It is honestly a dark comedy - at least to me. I did not get the chainsaw through the chin.

tera said...

I was going to say that when I lived in Germany I had lovely, lovely pastries from a variety of wonderful shops there. And then I realized - It was NEVER cake...! So I can't speak about that. My sympathies regarding that. However, I have more sympathies about you not having spell check. I spell fine, but typically I type too fast so I goof stuff up all the time and would look really stupid with no spl chek.

Comedy Goddess said...

It's true. Betty Crocker cake is where it's at. I am bummed out for you. Maybe we can send you some canned frosting?

♥ Braja said...

Oh please, I KNOW! I live in India, where anything sweet and sickly is cake. All tastes the same; fake terrible tasteless whipped cream, lots of sugar, ugh....

Beth said...

You've tasted feet? How weird.

Mary@Holy Mackerel said...

Totally understandable, my dear. Cake is cake. Enough said.

blognut said...

I hate to be blasphemous on your blog, but I don't really love cake. I'm sorry. I much prefer french fries and I've found that no one else (even the same fast food restaurants we find here in the US) makes those right outside of the US, either. I find that disturbing on every level. Completely and utterly disturbing.

amy said...

So I'm guessing that it doesn't help that I made a yellow cake with chocolate frosting - FROM SCRATCH! - last night, huh?


When you come stateside, you can have some. ;)

Oh, and one of my followers became a follower of your blog, so it's like sports...you have to give me a player, ya know?

Yeah, I'm Still Here... said...

I HATE Crisco sandwiches, YUCK! =P

But I love french fries AND I love frosting! Well NOT at the same time. But I don't really even need the cake just give me a corner piece with some cream cheese frosty goodness... oooh yeah!

bernthis said...

Ahhh!!!! I can't believe it, finally someone who loves cake as much as me. I will literally stay late at a party just to have the cake even if I have to be somewhere. I don't care. It's amazing there is actually one out that blows.

Vodka Mom said...

you know what? I don't eat cake. never liked it.

Now chips??????? that's another damn story....

Dee-Zigns Handcrafted Jewelry said...

Horrid cake stories, you need to put a rubber band on your wrist and when you see cake, snap the damn thing!

Michel said...

OMG I leave this unattended and the comments fill up. Cake is a controversial subject I tell you! The great cake debate is ON!

Darsden: Are you drinking again!? You're supposed to take a SIP of the communion wine!!! The cake was hideous man! HIDEOUS!

Jane; I knew I could count on your understanding and empathy!!!

Mrs. K: NO SHIT! It sometimes SOUNDS like it is english..but then I'm like..what the hell are you talking about man! Use your words!

Other Jane: you are RIGHT! We DO need to set some kind of standards before something can call itself cake! BRILLIANT

Deb: I truly appreciate your sympathy.

Ravensgirl: What the hell is a raven and when did you start dating??

Bon Don: MILK SOAKED! Who the hell did that? And why haven't they been arrested?

Liz: DUDE, minoy totally knows. She can smell that shit. PS what is the status of our cake sick research?? Pls tell dan I am casting aspersions on his medical ability yet again. we need to get moving on this. We'll be RICH!

Hit 40: ACCKKTT!! Don't bring that up AGAIN!
This is the second day I've been traumatized by you!!!!

Tera: I am glad you realized your error in time. And you understand the predicament.

CG: mmmm....frosting....

Braja: you have my utmost sympathy! I know the struggle you are facing there. Be strong.

Beth: I live in the 3rd world, I've been forced to taste a lotta things that no man should ever have to do so.

Mary: I heart you.

Blognut: I can no longer let you be the evil twin. I would never be attached to someone that didn't love cake. I'm waiting for them to legalize cake/people marriage. Because Josh will be thrown to the curb. My love to cake is real, and it is for forever!

Amy: you are cruel. that was uncalled for..

Yeah: you clearly have excellent taste!

Bern: I need to introduce you to Liz. She and I literally have WARS over who gets the corner piece - where the ratio of cake to frosting is the best. Oh we're out there....however, we probably shouldn't hang out - for safety reasons.

Vodka Mom: GASP! (speechless) The only reason I will still call you virtual friend is the vodka and salty snacks...if you'd have said celery..you would have been declared dead to me.

Dee-Zigns; that is a great idea, although I would probably forget to take it off and then my hand would turn black and fall off.

Heidi said...

Bad cake? That just breaks my heart, I am crying for you now.

Smart Mouth Broad said...

Have you brought this up with the people who determine the pay differential?