Sunday, April 26, 2009

The State Department Regrets to Inform You

It is with our depeest and profound sympathy that the State Department regrets to inform you that your dear friend, Ms. Michel M. was sacrificed in the line of duty on the evening of the 24th of April, 2009. During the course of her duties, subj gallantly and selflessly threw herself in front of a bottle of Johnny Walker Black Label scotch. While her motivations are somewhat unclear, it was apparent that Michel felt that the bottle would probably harm or injure another American diplomat, perhaps a friend or colleague.

Michel was found lying on her bathroom floor, surrounded by her good friends, toilet brush and rug, late in the evening after her colleagues and some European foreign nationals departed her residence. Michel's loyal and trusted friends tried to revive her with limited success. Michel regained consciousness only briefly, and uttered the words "chicken wings....medium spicy..." Michel then threw up on herself, turned turtle, and expired.

Michel was a paragon of the dedicated, selfless and stupid officers of her fine organization. Her sacrifice is a credit to herself, her organization, the United States of America, and her liver.

I know how empty and meaningless any words of sympathy would be for you at this time; however, we can only hope that your bereavement will be assuaged by the solemn pride that must be yours in knowing that you have laid such a costly sacrifice upon the alter of freedom.

There will be a candlelight prayer service in the American club bar in Michel's honor this evening at seven. All are invited. Two drink minimum.

14 comments:

lisa said...

A beautiful euology. May you rest in peace.

There are so many great lines in this piece -- I laughed the whole way thru. Sudan should be grateful to have you.

lisa said...

Toilet brush and rage, turned turtle. Classic!

darsden said...

see I told you there was sumpin in that hotspongychicken!! *I was looking 4 ya but never thought you'd be back with your ole buddies-crawling around the kids pool.. and not us*... I'm telling Braja!

Hit 40 said...

I am always good for some flowers... does Sudan even have a florist?

Fragrant Liar said...

Hoo-eee, RIP, girl. Meantime, I have sort of, um, talked about you on my blog. Just a little mention, you know. Um, you are a fine person.

Let us know when you have risen again, not in the biblical sense. I don't think.

blognut said...

I hope you at least had a good time before all the nasty after-effects set in!

Lyndsay said...

Spectacular. Can't believe you didn't invite us to the party before you up and died ...

Beth said...

"turned turtle" - Hilarious! My husband almost did this last night. We need folks like you out there sacrificing your liver every day.

While we are on the topic of livers, why would anyone eat that shit. The liver filters toxins out of the blood. Eating liver = eating toxins. May as well drink out of the river down from the nuclear plant.

Gaston Studio said...

LOL, Love the toilet brush and rug friends. Poor Josh, now he's going to have to return early from Denali just to 'make arrangements'!

Michel said...

Lisa: The newspapers in pakistan were great fodder for many of my comments; they used to "breathe their last" or "expire"; criminals would "make good their escape: and cars would turn turtle. I laughed every damn day I read that hideous paper.

Making fun of foreigners is fun.

Darsden: and you call ME a tattle tale...sheesh.

Hit 40: Florist? What is this word you speak of??

Fragrant: haha! Thanks for the sympathy on your post! I always love a fellow liar liar pants on fire.

ps...jesus is going to be pissed you said that.

Blognut: It is always fun for ME...just not so much for others...as it turns out.

Lyndsay: Your invite was in the mail....

Beth: I know, RIGHT!? Unfortunately, sheep liver is a delicacy here. I claimed it was fattening (subj of another humiliating post) to get out of eating it. I'm going to need to brush up on my excuses real soon!

Jane: Poor Josh is right. Even I'm starting to pity him.

SweetPeaSurry said...

I'm soooo coming to your next party ... you do have two bathrooms right? I reserve the right to bring my own rug and toilet brush though!

Mary@Holy Mackerel said...

Wish that was me, because I feel like you do, but I didn't drink...

Get better...

bernthis said...

As a fellow American, I want to also thank you for your incredible service to the liquor industry.

Hilarious post

Dee-Zigns Handcrafted Jewelry said...

Don't let Johnnie Walker come around, he's a bad dude! Really disgusting. I hope you are doing well and found new friends (toilet brush and rug are not dependable!)