Naturally, I described my symptoms to Liz to pass onto her hubby so that he can tell me what I need to do to self medicate. I do believe she got a sarcastic, "It's owie!" is not enough to go on." And then he told me to go get some ear drops.
That's not medicine!!! That's not self-medicating!? That's what the janitor at the HMO who was masquerading as a doctor told me to do back when I was working in the law office. That can't be medical advice!!!
So I went online to Google my symptoms: according to WebMD, I either have:
- swimmer's ear (which can be caused by excess dirt and sweating (I wonder if this applies here??) and to treat it with ear drops -- STUPID DAN!!),
- traumatic head injury, or
- brain cancer.
Obviously, I have brain cancer.
However, as it is Friday, Khartoum is a-close-ed. Therefore, tomorrow bright and early I intend to wake my friend who speaks Arabic and force her to traipse around town with me to find us a pharmacy that will give us prescription drugs without a prescription. Allegedly, there are some out there because it is not a LAW per se in Sudan that you need a script, there are just some pharmacies who think that is more advisable and require it. (F those people!)
While I'm there I'm going to check out an assortment of things I've always wanted to try:
(a) Oxycontin - I hear this makes you happy and/or rich - both of which sound good to me frankly.
(b) Adderall - 'tis the weight loss drug of choice for the stars!!! And, as an added bonus, it might increase my attention span to that of an eight year old from that of a three year old. It might also increase my rage, but seriously, what are the odds of me breaking out into an irrational rage response?
(c) Sipro - always nice to have on hand in a pinch. I hear it also cures swimmer's ear; and
(d) Lyrica - because I've always wonders what the hell that does. It sounds like it would make your life all sing-songey happy and the commercial always has some older woman who is gardening and smiling. Clearly, it’s a gardening inducing drug for old ladies.
It might even come with a free hat!!!