Sunday, April 12, 2009

And Then It Was All Better....

HOLY SHIT! Look what I found today!!! NOBODY PANIC!!!!

I know some of you might be going, "So what's the big whup? It's diet Pepsi...that's no biggidy!" First of all: F YOU! You're not in Sudan! You don't know...

Okay, maybe that was too harsh...let me explain.

I have been here for exactly three weeks now, and I have made it my mission to identify locations, installations, and street vendors who can acquire my stash -- now before my mom get's all huffy and lecturey -- by "stash," I mean favorite foods. (If you haven't noticed by now that I am absolutely food motivated, you clearly do not read well, and should probably seek out some help.) So imagine my dismay when I found out that diet Pepsi doesn't really exist in Sudan.

IF you go to a restaurant here and try to order a diet Pepsi, they give you a blank stare...So you cave and say, "Okay, diet Coke." They roll their eyes and go, "COKE LIGHT?" (All sarcastic like....God they can be annoying!) So then, I say back ..."Well, I would like PEPSI LIGHT" (all sarcastic like in return, giving them just a little bit back. -- Don't mess with me mother f'ers! I'm HOT, it’s dirty, it's HOT, I gots stink ear, it's HOT...BACK OFF!)

Blank Stare.

So imagine my delight when I found this as I was attempting to escape a very potentially awkward situation: Okay, so I stop at this place called, HFC (Hamam Fried Chicken). I totally should have taken a picture because it is CLEARLY a knock off of the KFC, same colors, picture of the Colonel on the front....everything. However, this one is not a military run establishment -- and I am immediately suspicious!!! It has been my experience that military men always make the best chicken! (Colonel Sanders, General Tso) I am not sure what they are teaching these guys in our boot camps, but they sure do make some tasty chicken.

ANYWAY, so I walk in and EVERYTHING is in Arabic - so I have to order using pictures (thank God for pictures of food - it has saved many an illiterate from starvation!) And this man comes out from behind the counter all smiles and says he will translate for me. Then he proceeds to tell me his life story, he's from Egypt, he came to work in Sudan because he thought it would be fun... (?? I KNOW!!! I made him repeat that too. Clearly, he has not heard about the stink eye yet. )

So then he asks where I am from - and I say, "America," and he mumbles something about married to an American and he is all smiles. So I smile back and say, "Oh! that is nice (because they make me be nice to potential US cits in foreign countries - thank GOD that does not apply in the states!) And then he says, "YES?!?!?" and he is beaming. So I said, "I'm sorry, what? You're married to an American?" and he goes, "Nooooo, I WANT to be married to an American!"

I gave him the diet Pepsi, blank stare while I tried to think of a way to run away but still get my damn chicken. So, using my best diplomatic skills I said..."Well of luck to you with that!" And then I ran for the door telling him I just had to run to the market next door but would be right back....

AND THAT'S WHEN I FOUND THE DIET PEPSI! And, when I returned, my chicken was ready, and I was able to breeze in, pay, and leave - like I was a rock star or something!

It was a damn Easter Miracle!!!


darsden said...

Congratulations... I can imagine your delight in finding the pepsi.. I'm a pepper girl myself if it's not tea or water :-) Easter Miracle with that kind of lanuage young lady! Have a wonderful day!

Gaston Studio said...

You've got me roflmao about military men making the best chicken!!!

I'm happy for you that you've finally found diet pepsi, although if you were a coke girl, I'd be a LOT happier, but whatever floats your boat.

Have a great day,
your OTHER mom

P.S. Take care of that ear!

Hit 40 said...

Congrats for the food find!! I am happy you got the chicken and out without an arranged/forced marriage!

Beth said...

OMG! You are hilarious. Day after day, you are so damn funny! I've never put that together about the military men making great chicken - but you are RIGHT!

I'm happy you found the diet pepsi. Your Easter miracle was a big one!

Susan said...

Congrats on finding the Pepsi Light. I would be on a quest for chardonnay myself. How was the chicken?

Anonymous said...

Ok that's it- I am not a Pepsi fan. HOW COULD YOU!!? Diet Coke or bust. So do tell- did it taste the same? Even when in Europe I find the sodas taste a little off.

Laura said...

Luckily you didn't say yes, I do know, you might have ended up being married.

Mary@Holy Mackerel said...

Thank god you only found the food place, and didn't end up getting married right then and there, Vegas-style (except, of course, it would be Sudan-style, which may not be as fun, I'm just guessing).

bernthis said...

first of all, thanks for stopping by my blog. Second, how freakin cool that you live in Sudan. I am such a pussy, I think any place that doesn't have a shopping mall and daily access to a nail salon is a place I just cannot survive in.

I'm going to read some more of your posts now.

Smart Mouth Broad said...

I don't know how but you make enduring all these hardships absolutely hysterical.
You're an inspiration.
No diet soda!
Non-military prepped chicken!
Egyptian gold-diggers.
And the poopy stink-eye!
You're my hero!

Fragrant Liar said...

My dear, the lord works in mysterious ways. I had a feeling he was in Sudan!

blognut said...

Thank God you found Diet Pepsi! I would have curled up and died and day 3 in Sudan without Diet Pepsi. That's the shit that makes the world go 'round!

I'll sleep much better knowing you've got your juice!

blognut said...

'On' not 'and'. I would have curled up and died ON day 3 in Sudan without Diet Pepsi.

God! I look like a fuckin' moron when I do that.


amy said...

Diet? Diet? And Pepsi, at that?

I will pray for your eventual conversion. Classic Coke or nothing. (Bonus: you can tell people you have a Coke addiction and enjoy the cock-eyed stares).

Oh, and this says a lot, because I'm a heathen who never prays!