Saturday, April 18, 2009

Church and State

Tonight, I was supposed to go the National Day of the Embassy of the Holy Sea (Vatican), however, I couldn't con anyone into going with me, and because my hubby is not here - I didn't want to show up there and have people wonder if I'm the token call girl. (I don't have enough cards for everyone!) Or, worse yet, the token lonely girl! Although, I suspect the Vatican would frown on that – they’d probably refuse to let me in.

And believe me, they ALL ASK where my husband is! I gotta tell you, it's more than a little embarrassing to continually have to explain that he will be joining me after he finishes his stint in Iraq. There is always an extended moment of silence (where you swear you hear crickets) while they just look at me, obviously debating whether or not to tell me I'm a loser, but then good manners make them end up giving me a pitying look like I just haven't figured it out yet, and if I keep telling myself this - maybe it will come true.

Why is this so difficult to swallow?? I COULD BE MARRIED!!! Frankly, Josh is the one who should be embarrassed right now! People think his wife is a HO.

Anyway, I am actually kind of relieved that nobody would go with me. I was worried that they might have some kind of record about my lapsed Catholicness. Or, God forbid, find out that I married a NON-catholic, and that we do not intend to have children. (Yeah, I didn't even know that last one was a no-no! Technically, I probably would have wanted to have children, but found out that in order to do so, I would have to take fertility drugs and, although one kid would have been nice, I'm totally not ready for a litter!) I found out about this additional "rule" when I looked into whether or not Josh and I could have a Catholic wedding ceremony. I was all set to agree to sign that any "kids" we had would be raised Catholic, but then jokingly commented that we weren't going to have kids so it was pretty much a moot point. (Note to self: Nobody in the church (or Sudan) thinks you're funny! SHUT IT for God's sake!) Anyway, after that, a lecture of indeterminate length ensued - I didn't really listen to them either (Josh, clearly it's not personal).

So after that, I declared Catholicism DEAD TO ME. -- But inside, not outside, because I was too scared to openly defy the church in case they had a direct line to God or something! I have a feeling I'm already on his "list of people to watch," mostly because I suspect my mom is telling on me in her prayers -- but I can't prove it).

So you can SEE why I was nervous to go to this thing. PLUS, why the hell does the Vatican need an Embassy?? And why the goofy name?? What does their Embassy DO!? Do people walk into their embassy and report people who didn't attend church? My GOD! If so, they've probably got a big ole file on me -- HUGE!

Do you have to be Catholic to work there?? Or, have they also adopted PC laws? Probably not, they still pretty much stand by the "you're not going to heaven unless you're Christian" philosophy. I wonder if they also post OSHA notices in the hallways to try to shame people into behaving like adults?

AND, Do they issue visas?? I wonder if you could apply for a visa to Heaven (and if so, do their diplomats get harrassed about this too)? How cool would it be if you had a multiple entry visa?!?! I would totally come back and Lord it over everyone! WHAT NOW BITCHES!?!?!? Look at me..gots myself a visa to heaven! However, with my luck, I'd go back to pick up my passport and there'd be a visa to Hell (long-term stay).

Man! I probably should have went. I have a lotta questions that clearly need answers!! However, I simply can't risk it. I'm just going to lay low tonight!!!


blognut said...

I was just thinking you should have gone because now you've got me wondering about all of that.

And if you get a visa to heaven, can you score one for me, too? I think they'll hold me at security if I try to get in, but it would still be nice to say I have one.

blognut said...

By the way, I'm not glad that you think you're going to hell, but I'm kinda relieved to find out that I'll know people when I get there.

♥ Braja said...

I have a direct line to God here and I told him what you said, and he said, "No problem, girl..."

So there.

No really.

Hi Blognut my lovely :))

Hit 40 said...

Don't you have a yummy cake to bake?

I wonder if you could give out "calling" cards with someone else's name? This could be fun.

Mary@Holy Mackerel said...

I totally see why you'd be nervous. So would I. I'm going to post the reason soon on my blog. Let's just say the Catholic church and I are not best friends.

SuburbanCorrespondent said...

Catholicism states that married couples should be "open" to the possibility of children. Nowhere does it require people to take extraordinary measures (fertility drugs, etc) in order to conceive! In fact, I believe it frowns upon in vitro. In other words, your fertility problems are the equivalent of a Get Out Of Jail Free card, as far as having kids is concerned.

It's the Holy See. I have no idea why.

Vatican II came out with an ecumenical statement that says, essentially, that we non-Catholics are no longer automatically doomed to hell. I learned all this during RCIA, which I took to find out what my children would be learning if we raised them Catholic (my husband's Catholic). I didn't want them being taught that all their Jewish relatives are heading for the big downstairs. Luckily, that is no longer Catholic doctrine.

Class dismissed.

Michel said...

Blognut: You're right! I am totally going to drop by and see what it is they actually DO. Thank goodness SC was here so I didn't walk in all ignorant calling them the sea! sheesh! I should probably learn to read more...(won't happen).

And hell actually might be pretty fun! All my friends are going to be there! However, I'm still holding out that my mother will get me a pass on her frequent flyer miles!

Braja! Be a lamb, would you? Call him back and ask what kind of amenities they have! I need to know what to pack!

Hit 40: OMG! I totally forgot. I should really save it until the day...but I just KNOW my mother is sending me something...RIGHT MOM!?

Mary: I get into fights with the church ALL THE TIME! But then I feel guilty and take them back...and then we usually break up again. Look forward to your post! (don't think I've forgotten about the dog incident though...)

SC: Holy SEE?!?! That's actually kinda creepy! Like they know stuff. Now i'm even MORE scared. YOU ACTUALLY PAID ATTENTION in those classes!??! I had almost 10 years of CCD and didn't know any of that.

Vatican II sounds like a sequel. Next will be Vatican III, the return of John Paul.

Captain Dumbass said...

I'm thinking the forms would be a serious bitch. And who would you get to sign them?

Fragrant Liar said...

Well, I for one would have gone. I hear the Vatican puts on a great show.

Jason, as himself said...

Oh, there are so many things I could say about Catholocism, or as you say, Catholicness. But I won't, because I just met you! I've done just a bit of browsing and I can tell already that you lead a very interesting life. A life that I shall get to know over the next while!

Thank you for commenting on The Jason Show today! Have a great day.

amy said...

Further proof that you and I are kindred spirits. Not a lot of people I know even know what CCD is, let alone have been through it.

Two things:

1. I've been to various Catholic churches and the Vatican. I'm still in shock over not catching on fire immediately upon entering.

2. If you were a ho at the Vatican, I'd pick you up. Just sayin, is all. ;)
*that wasn't really the 2nd thing, but frickin-A, I forgot what I intended to write there. So that will have to suffice.

Smart Mouth Broad said...

Do you suppose they had cake?

darsden said...

dang look how many came before me...LOL I am sooo behind! I think your damn funny, it will be my pleasure to meet with you either way...

bernthis said...

Sudan, Los Angeles it's all the same the way they react to a single woman. Try being divorced the church would really love you then

Michel said...

Captain Dumbass: Snaps for the name! If you're going to own it, you might as well be in charge!!!

Fragrant: I should have went, they probably had bread and wine!

Jason: Oh get in line on the Catholicness. I was the one who used to get into trouble in CCD because I would ask how the buffalo got all the way across the ocean to get on the ark, and whether or not Noah had a list so he was sure he got them all. I was hated.

Amy: CCD, ha! I always assume everyone knows...

SM: Shoot! you KNOW they did!

Darsden: why thank you.

Bern: (that doesn't sound right) haha Good point. I am not the youngest of 33 first cousins (Catholic, remember!) and I was the ONLY one in the family not married and remain the only one in the family with no kids. I feel your pain!

Gaston Studio said...

LOL, I LOVE Hit40's remark about giving out cards with someone else's name on them!

Don't you just hate it when people attending these things ask personal questions? Are they keeping tally of what they perceive as sins of others? Move over sweetie, I'll keep a warm spot for ya!

Beth said...

Actually, I KNOW I'm going to Hell. That is what several people told me when I married my Jewish husband. And if they are right, I'd rather be in Hell than in Heaven with them.

Don't the dogs count for kids?

Anonymous said...

I'm catholic, go to church (when the kid is with me)but did not marry in the catholic church- after all i married a jew! (gasp!)

Hit 40 said...

I guess I could drop you an email. But, it is more fun to publicly taunt you!!!

I have a post tomorrow just for you!