Tonight, I was supposed to go the National Day of the Embassy of the Holy Sea (Vatican), however, I couldn't con anyone into going with me, and because my hubby is not here - I didn't want to show up there and have people wonder if I'm the token call girl. (I don't have enough cards for everyone!) Or, worse yet, the token lonely girl! Although, I suspect the Vatican would frown on that – they’d probably refuse to let me in.
And believe me, they ALL ASK where my husband is! I gotta tell you, it's more than a little embarrassing to continually have to explain that he will be joining me after he finishes his stint in Iraq. There is always an extended moment of silence (where you swear you hear crickets) while they just look at me, obviously debating whether or not to tell me I'm a loser, but then good manners make them end up giving me a pitying look like I just haven't figured it out yet, and if I keep telling myself this - maybe it will come true.
Why is this so difficult to swallow?? I COULD BE MARRIED!!! Frankly, Josh is the one who should be embarrassed right now! People think his wife is a HO.
Anyway, I am actually kind of relieved that nobody would go with me. I was worried that they might have some kind of record about my lapsed Catholicness. Or, God forbid, find out that I married a NON-catholic, and that we do not intend to have children. (Yeah, I didn't even know that last one was a no-no! Technically, I probably would have wanted to have children, but found out that in order to do so, I would have to take fertility drugs and, although one kid would have been nice, I'm totally not ready for a litter!) I found out about this additional "rule" when I looked into whether or not Josh and I could have a Catholic wedding ceremony. I was all set to agree to sign that any "kids" we had would be raised Catholic, but then jokingly commented that we weren't going to have kids so it was pretty much a moot point. (Note to self: Nobody in the church (or Sudan) thinks you're funny! SHUT IT for God's sake!) Anyway, after that, a lecture of indeterminate length ensued - I didn't really listen to them either (Josh, clearly it's not personal).
So after that, I declared Catholicism DEAD TO ME. -- But inside, not outside, because I was too scared to openly defy the church in case they had a direct line to God or something! I have a feeling I'm already on his "list of people to watch," mostly because I suspect my mom is telling on me in her prayers -- but I can't prove it).
So you can SEE why I was nervous to go to this thing. PLUS, why the hell does the Vatican need an Embassy?? And why the goofy name?? What does their Embassy DO!? Do people walk into their embassy and report people who didn't attend church? My GOD! If so, they've probably got a big ole file on me -- HUGE!
Do you have to be Catholic to work there?? Or, have they also adopted PC laws? Probably not, they still pretty much stand by the "you're not going to heaven unless you're Christian" philosophy. I wonder if they also post OSHA notices in the hallways to try to shame people into behaving like adults?
AND, Do they issue visas?? I wonder if you could apply for a visa to Heaven (and if so, do their diplomats get harrassed about this too)? How cool would it be if you had a multiple entry visa?!?! I would totally come back and Lord it over everyone! WHAT NOW BITCHES!?!?!? Look at me..gots myself a visa to heaven! However, with my luck, I'd go back to pick up my passport and there'd be a visa to Hell (long-term stay).
Man! I probably should have went. I have a lotta questions that clearly need answers!! However, I simply can't risk it. I'm just going to lay low tonight!!!
Get thee to an independent bookstore.
1 hour ago