Friday, April 17, 2009

What Not to Do

Holy Crap. Tonight, we went to the Syrian National Day Celebration like good little diplomats. There were exactly THREE female diplomats at this function; and all three were western. Now as I have mentioned before, I'm from Montana - if you haven't been there, you probably wouldn't know this, but people from Montana are TALL. I am 5'9" - the lady I was with was also tall (not as tall as me, but blonde, so that upped the freak factor).

Needless to say, we stuck out. The night started out okay, but a little intense. There were paparazzi - everywhere! I learned after we arrived at the hotel, that these functions are pretty much the social scene in Khartoum. The who's who of Sudan - don't worry, I didn't know them either- were supposed to be there. So you walk in the door, and it is like a sea of flashes going off and TV cameras in your face. You go through the receiving line and the camera man follows you.

So naturally, all I can think about is that the camera adds at LEAST 10 pounds and I couldn't remember if I had put lipstick on before we went! (IT'S KHARTOUM; the shit literally slides off your face when you walk outside in the heat!!) So then I'm like, GREAT!! If this comes out in print, my boss is going to have a FIELD DAY with these pictures. They are going to be plastered ALL OVER the office - a diagram of my chin(s) and neck roll attached via post-it notes.


Because we were the only girls at this event and my friend was a pretty blonde - the cameras followed us everywhere!! So we had to stand for HOURS sucking in, making sure our heads were tilted just right so that we didn't have multiple chins or a googley eye, and stiff (obviously fake) smiles plastered on our faces.

And then the speeches started.

They went on and on about conspiracies and oppressors who want to colonize the Arab world. Let me tell you - it was really awkward to be the colonizing oppressor in the room. (In hindsight, perhaps seersucker was not the best choice of fabric to be wearing to this event.)

Every time the speaker would yell oppressor (a word I quickly picked up in Arabic after my friend pointed it out) - the cameras would all swing towards us. SINCE WHEN did any chicks oppress people!?!? WTF! There are colonizing oppressors over in the other corner Jackass! (I totally wanted to just point accusingly at any random French or British person in attendance, but those (smarter) people had already left. CURSES!)

So thankfully, the speeches ended and there was a painful moment of silence while everyone stared at us...(crickets)... and then the dancers came on stage and everything went back to normal. The Syrian Ambassador came over and asked if we were enjoying ourselves, trying to usher us to the buffet. We all smiled and said we were great.

And you guys thought The Real Housewives of (insert city) were two-faced! However, in my quest to fight for my country, I littered, spilled my drink, and stole a plate of their desserts on my way out.

I do what I can.


Hit 40 said...

Did they have cake?

I am 70 inches tall. We should compare shopping notes.

I'll never forget a shorter woman giving me smack about Adam at our local pool. She went on and on. I just listened. Then, I hit my limit because it looked like she wanted to actually fight. I stood straight to my full height and asked if she wanted to say anything else. She did not expect an amazon to get up :-)

Adam has given me some good moments :-(

Comedy Goddess said...

All in all, sounds very glamorous! Much better than anything I've done lately.

blognut said...

I didn't figure you for a colonizing oppressor, but ok. I'll still think you're cool. No problem.

Hope you got some good booze and great cake.

Anonymous said...

Hey! I'm almost 6' tall! I'm 5-11 which is great 'cause I love my intimidating look. :)

So my question is- was there cake?

Beth said...

I gotta know about the desserts. Was it worth your troubles?

And I love being a shortie. No one takes me seriously and they pet me on the head. No camera issues that know of.

Fragrant Liar said...

See, I'm a shorty at 5'0". I need a colonizing oppressor to walk around me and protect my scrawny ass. Well, maybe not scrawny. Anymore. Come on over.

You'll send pics to us, right? I want to see you all glammed up in Khartoum.

Gaston Studio said...

What kind of cake did they have, 'cause I know they had cake plus a lot of that sticky, gooey, overlysweet "you can't pick it up with your finger's" dessert. Yuk! And, did you get enough cake or other desserts to last until your birthday?

Michel said...

Hit 40: OF COURSE you would give your height in some sort of fashion that would require me to use MATH to figure it out! Give it up lady! I WILL NEVER LEARN!! I will just assume you are 7 Feet tall...

No wonder you're so cranky and try to torture people with your math all the time.

Comedy Goddess: These things are decidedly UNglamorous. Everything is not as cool when you actually go and MEET the people. lame.

Blognut: I'm too lazy to actually colonize (as I think is the rest of America), but I'm all about oppressing stuff!

Mrs.K: No WAY! You look all petite in your photos. Hmmm...maybe if I put down the cookies????

Beth: Deserts were traditional - lotta gooey honey and pistachios. I actually can walk away from those! Not so yummy.

FL: You ARE a shorty. I will send the 7 foot hit 40 to protect you. I would send you pics, but I didn't realize I should BE all glammed up. I look like a retard who was just going to work. WTF!? I need a damn handbook for shit!

GS: THERE WAS NO CAKE! I was tempted to declare it an international incident, however, I didn't want to make our relations with Syria worse and potentially get fired. I don't have any real skills. I'm only suitable for Gov't work.

amy said...

Perhaps you could've filled the awkward pauses and silence with snippets of The Star-Spangled Banner...

What? No? Well ok, then. :)

Smart Mouth Broad said...

God bless you for doing your part. More importantly........what desserts did you steal on the way out?