Friday, April 17, 2009

Games People Play

Have you guys ever played that board game Diplomacy? If you haven't, DON'T! It's not actually that fun and it literally can last over a month. (Risk is sooo much more satisfying, and can end within a few hours - or less, if you're playing against me.) Anyway, people at the consulate used to play Diplomacy (I think that game is only interesting for actual diplomats to play. To pretend like what they do is all fun and cool. This usually ends in failure.) Anyway, we'd play against the different people in the various offices. Frankly, the only reason I ever liked it - and ever got to know anyone in the other offices - was because I would actively go out and make secret alliances with random people in order to F with the people who annoyed me (and this can change on a random basis, so my alliances were always shifting).

Basically, by the end of the month - everyone in the Consulate hated me and was plotting to slash my tires before I would drive home. However, they were just big babies! In the game of Life (or Diplomacy, as it turns out), you should always go with the old addage my mother ALWAYS told me: "If you're not cheating; you're not trying!"

Okay, so maybe she didn't use those words exactly -- it might have been something more like "cheating is wrong!" or "Cheaters never prosper!" But I'm sure she had just never heard the one I liked the best, "You know what they say about cheaters? They win!" If you think about just makes good sense.

So I was thinking of all this today, and while I was in the office pretending to work, I realized what I have been missing in my job: Cake!!!

Yes, yes! I know that really doesn't make sense, but if you would just listen, it will all become clear.

SO, I have noticed that there seems to be a critical shortage of cake and cake products in Sudan. Normally, this would only upset me hugely. HOWEVER, next month is my birthday (The big 29. NO, that's not a typo. It's more like a LIE-O.) Therefore, the lack of cake at this critical time of the year is simply UNSPEAKABLE!

So I have been wracking my brains to figure out how I can con someone into making me a real cake (not this dry, scratchy white bread with greasy like substance on top that they call cake here) with real frosting! (I can NOT have a birthday without cake! That would be an ABOMINATION!!)

So remembering the Diplomacy game, I realized I would have to make an unholy alliance with someone - pretend to be their friend - butter them up, and then con them into making me a cake. It's BRILLIANT.

Of course, I hadn't planned on it backfiring so quickly. As you may or may not recall, I am not what you would call "friendly," and sometimes can make a bad impression on some people when I file harassment suits against them and/or turn them into the RSO for stalking.

In my defense, however, NOBODY could have known that when you are put into temporary housing while your new house is being remodeled that the housing officer is SUPPOSED to talk to you. OR, that he was AUTHORIZED to ask if my housing is okay because he is the one who will fix it.

Someone really needs to explain these things more fully. Some people might get confused.

So then, after I realized that me making new friends was probably not going to work, I decided to look within the office to people I sorta know already. Who the hell could I con in there? This was going to be much, MUCH more difficult, because they KNOW me. They will be immediately suspicious if I show up all smiles and asking how their weekend was...

After wasting almost 6 hours trying to come up with a plan to acquire ill-gotten cake, I decided to go home and do some internet research on how to con people into giving you stuff. However, on the way home, I stopped at the Gucci Grocery Store (as I call it, based on the prices, not quality) to get some yogurt - because if you freeze it, you can almost pretend that it is ice cream - and I found CAKE MIXES!! And thanks to Mrs. K, I have the yummiest (sounding) recipie for buttercream frosting (butter and sugar - my two best friends!!)

SO, for a mere $38, I can have my OWN cake, I don't have to be nice to anyone for any extended period of time, AND I don't have to share.

And that, my friends, is how the Sudanese used Diplomacy to con me out of $38.


Anonymous said...

holy shit 38 bucks! that's not gucci...that's fucking hermes!

Michel said...

Mrs. K: That's BETTY CROCKER....real betty crocker, not Batty Crochet. Imported from the US of A. (and you had to add in the butter and sugar costs too...) It's all worth it!

blognut said...

I'm just glad you're getting your cake, because I was about to tell you to email me a mailing address so I could ship you ingredients for a cake. It probably would've cost me $38, so it's all good.

Now, what about the Diet Pepsi and the booze you'll be needing to properly celebrate the day?

Michel said...

Blognut: I have been hoarding my case of diet pepsi. I am afraid I won't ever find it again. So I'm all SET, but you are a dear for offering to mail me cake. I would totally make a secret alliance with you against someone!

Hit 40 said...

I think shipping is a deal because we are mailing to a US base? Is this correct? It would be fun to mail you random trash :-) hee hee. How about an address?

Beth said...

What a deal! I guess this means you will get your cake and eat it, too.


Do you have an oven? Because the cake mixes I have MUST have an oven.

Michel said...

Hit 40, I can't post the address on this publically because jane will mail me "Oregano" and I don't want to end up in a Sudanese prison.

Beth: Do you mean the oven in my kitchen? or the one where I just leave shit outside? Both work the same.

Beth said...

LOL at Jane mailing you "Oregano!" You know you need that stuff to make your famous sauce. You are famous for this, right?

Gaston Studio said...

Okay, you guys were having way too much fun while I was out mowing the lawn half the day (I was trying to recover the other half!).

Two things: I promise not to send you oregano if you send me your address. And secondly, I challenge you to a game of Risk where all you have to worry about is raping and pillaging and not diplomacy.

p.s. Taurus or Gemini?

Michel said...

Beth: Actually, Jane's oregano makes me vomit if I even smell it. I was soo uncool in highschool. Secrurity Clearance, however, was a breeze!

Jane: HAHA! I F'in LOVE risk! But I totally suck at it, and nobody should EVER put me in charge of any military strategy. Game is usually done within 18 minutes...tops.

And "Taurus," but don't tell my mom I told you...she thinks that is the work of Satan! Funny that YOU would ask that....coincidence? I think not!

Smart Mouth Broad said...

$38 for cake mix! No wonder there is terrorism there. People get cranky when they have to fork over that kind of dough.

Allow me to be the first to wish you an early Happy Birthday! Hugs!