Monday, April 27, 2009

Because I'm Such a Good Person

I forgot to mention when I went on my recent tour of the pyramids that I also purchased a gift for Liz and her daughter Grace (not you Minoy! Liz and Grace sent me Rice Krispy Treats...I suspect you were going to, but then finished them off before they made it to the box (because that is what I would have done) so it it only fair).

Now this is a precious and pricey gift - I bargained for hours (or less than a minute, I can't really recall now, it was really hot and I kinda felt compelled because the Ministry of Tourism guy brought me over to him because he spoke English. I think they might have imported him in to sell stuff to us that day.....)

Why is this gift so precious, you ask?? Because these bracelets are made out of GENUINE COW.... (oooh.....aaaahhh)

The funniest part of that was that the guy kept repeating it, "No, lady. Serious. REAL COW. Very pretty. Cow. REAL Cow."

So Liz, I pretty much got you guys a cheap leather bracelet (probably made out of goat), but I'm confident that you will treasure it for all your days (or only on the days that I come to visit you guys - either way. It's what I would do).

And I'm super bummed that you can't really see this pic, (I didn't want to offend the waiter) but check out this menu!

Second down: Stake Paper (Beef, paper sauce); then there is the other favorite: Stake Strips (stake cut into pieces).

I didn't want to get beat for mocking them openly, but not pictured also included tasty appetizers of van levees, mix pottato appetites, and Hicken Kurdon Blue sandwishes.

And finally, there was an international incident the other evening. (And NO. I was not the cause of it.)

So you know how I like cookies, right??

Well, we're at this dinner with all kinds of people - and they bring out the dessert tray - and immediately I go from super excited to super disappointed!! (a) I don't recognize a damn thing on there; (b) there are pistachios and sesame seeds on most of it; and (b) it just looks kinda yucky. So I take one that looks like it might not suck too bad.

It sucked.

So I stopped eating - there is NO WAY I am going to waste stupid carbs and calories on something that tastes like crap. I'll save that for when someone leaves their girl scout cookies unattended (NOT that that happened...I mean... if it DID happen, it certainly was not me. I'm just saying that it COULD have happened that way. Cookies get lost. It's Africa...)

Anyway, so one of the foreigners at this dinner - gestures toward the tray of crap and tells me to have some. So (because I'm such a polite, well mannered person) I show him that I still have a piece of the honey covered paste ball and then point at the diet pepsi -- thinking that would be the end of it.

But no. My boss and EX friend Paul leans over to him and says, "she's watching her weight..." when the guy looks puzzled because English is not his first language, Paul clarifies "You know, WEIGHT" and makes the fat tummy gesture.


So then the guy sitting beside me says, "No! You're not THAT fat..." And Paul is howling with the foreigner whom I believe was just courtesy laughing because he had no idea why anyone was laughing. Then the guy beside me repeats it - with even MORE emphasis on the you're not THAT fat -- managing to get EVERYONE's attention at the table -- so to stop him, I turn to him (politely, mind you) and scream "STOP HELPING ME!"

Paul continues to laugh and try to make it better by going, "But it's a compliment! In Sudanese culture that is a compliment!"

We're not Sudanese Paul!!

I suggest you check your vehicle closely. I'm just sayin...accidents happen (ask that sleeve of thin mint cookies...)


blognut said...

That's too funny. I agree with your philosophy of not wasting carbs and calories to eat something that tastes like crap. And the International Incident is hysterical. My kids say that to me - Mom, you're not THAT fat. This always makes me feel so much better, so I respond with - You're not THAT stupid.

Do you hear the therapy bills piling up?

darsden said...

Okay...stopping after hearing the bracelets were made of cow...HEADING directly to Braja's YOU are IN Trouble NOW MIssy!

As for the rest of the story...pretty frikin funny...but you are still introuble when Braja reads about her beloved cowbabies!!!

Gaston Studio said...

LMAO again! Love the Hicken Kurdon Blue sandwishes!

Okay, Paul is on my shit list now. How dare he embarrass you like that! I'm sending my son over there to teach him a lesson and he can take care of his car while he's at it... two for the price of one kind of thing. And you don't have to pay me anything except well, maybe
1) the round trip airfare, first class natch!
2) a suite at the Sheraton including meals and the costly insuite bar;
3) a couple of nights out on the town;
4)... I'm sure I can think of more compensation packages, just give me a minute...

Bon Don said...

"Hicken Kurdon Blue" is my favorite!

You poor thing! hahaha

Hit 40 said...

Toughie! How to pass on nasty food without disappointing the host? It happens at my mother in laws during every visit! My hubby does not even want to eat the food.

The mother in law does not even eat the food.... but we are suppose to?

We try to sneak attack the visit to keep her from cooking. When we show up last minute, we take them out to eat.

Maybe... you should start by saying your full. Then when the desserts show up and they are good! Say well I guess I could try just one.

Beth said...

When food looks gross, I always act allergic. Nobody wants a fatal allergy attack on their watch.

If you stole my Girl Scout cookies, there would seriously be an international incident. That shit would definitely make the news.

Justin said...

Jesus! I am laughing out loud. Paul kills me!

Kathy B! said...

I snorted so loud my kids are convinced I inhaled a tonsil! You (and Paul!!) are HI-LAR-I-OUS!

This is seriously one of the best posts ever!

darsden said...

Well, the hell do you go woman after you post.. I can't find you anywhere to pick on you...where r u ..u transplated sudan chicken lover you!

Michel said...

Blognut: Rest assured, WE are not the problem, WE are the victims. I am researching our litigation options right now. Will advise.

Darsden: God you're such a tattle tale!

Jane: Paul is going down!! We can simply add the expense of your son's travel to our litigation costs. I appreciate your unwaivering support in this regard.

Bon Don: I KNOW! I giggle like a small child every time I go to a restaurant! it's waaay fun.

Hit 40: The sneak attack, good one! You should just cook something hideous - teach her a valuable lesson!

Beth: I suspect my penchant for rooting out the thin mints in any location is probably a large part of why I ended up in Sudan. I can't prove it though...

Justin: I (sand)WISH this was one of those Facts optional stories where I exaggerated the situation - alas, I downplayed it! He is DEAD TO ME!

Kathy: How DARE you say paul is hilarious. That man is an abomination and must be stopped!!! One MIGHT question your upbringing!

Darsden: HELLO! I am doing very importanty dipolmatic things...and we're like 8 hours ahead, (so I probably just went to bed. )

Pseudonymous High School Teacher said...

You are a fun and funnyone aren't you?

CK Lunchbox said...

The Hicken Kurdon Blue sandwishes kills me. At least Chilled Monkey Brains wasn't on the dessert cart!

amy said...

I know, I're just waiting for a gift worthy of me. That's it, right?

I'd like to order a hicken kurdon blue sandwish...think it'd survive the air mail?

Dee-Zigns Handcrafted Jewelry said...

Those bracelets look very strange and not at all like bracelets :). And these are "good" friends?
LOL on the menu, how could you order anything from that?

Suzy said...

Those bracelets are truly fabulous. I think you should start a Sudanese Etsy Shop.

And as a half French person, the French are not fat or overweight. That's because they're not addicted to sugar, like Americans. Like ME, who could eat sugar all day long.

When my sister and I visit our Mom in Paris, we lose weight!

Smart Mouth Broad said...

Who is this Paul you speak of and do I need to come over there?

BTW, I think you just need to give up on Sudanese sweets and have your twinkies imported. Just sayin.