Monday, April 13, 2009

Daily Dilemma(s)

So this afternoon, Liz and I were chatting at work (thank you US taxpayer for paying to install instant messenger on my work computer) about matters of national security. Liz informed me that there was a critical shortage of Peeps in Northern VA. I KNOW! Why wasn't I called?!!?

Naturally, I would not be aware of this information as I am no longer there, and since Liz won't start her own blog - something about claiming that I steal all her material (and am a much faster type-er) so what's the point? -- CONSEQUENTLY, you all are likely not aware of this information!! And this is my public service to you! (Now do you see?? We are making sure the world is safe for democracy!)

So then started the Great Peep Debate of 2009. Wherein we spent HOURS (Okay, it was probably minutes - we're both too lazy to type that much) debating whether Peeps were actually yummy.

I say NAY!

Now don't get me wrong. I loves me some marshmallows!! In fact, I've never met a Rice Krispy Treat that I didn't like!! Because seriously, what's not to love!? AND, they're fat free! (Although, I might have made that up and have since forgotten if that was a lie I told myself in one of my many fatty food justification benders, but as far as I recollect, it's a FACT!) (See blog title for further info.)

Anyway, my point was, Peeps have potential. They COULD be yummy...but then it got all ruined because of that stale colored sugar hard-shelled coating. That crap is NASTY!

Plus, I heard once that no NEW peeps have been made since their first production back in the 1950s (note annoying fact-checkers: I totally just made that up, don't try to point out how that is wrong and then spout the real date. You should probably be advised that MOST of what I say is wrong! I say a lotta things! Who listens!?!?), they just keep re-gifting them to people -- much like the dreaded fruitcake.

Although, to be fair, that might have been my dad who told me that, and as I have found out in my later years -- much to my dismay and subsequent public humiliation - his reporting is RARELY accurate. For example, there was the time he told me that the price of gas corresponds directly to the distance your gas station is from Kansas City, Kansas in response to my simple question of "Why the Exxon on Post Street more expensive than the Exxon in Belgrade?" OR, the time he told me that I needed to stop at the gas station and ask the Mechanic (who was dreamy, FYI) to check my tires because they needed to have winter air put in to replace the summer air. In my defense, however, it TOTALLY made sense at the time!! Besides, WHY the hell would you lie about that?! And to your TEENAGE DAUGHTER!? For Shame!!

Someone should probably call child services. Is there a statute of limitations on that??

Sorry! I got off track....Liz, on the other hand, alleges that Peeps are awesome, but only in smores because the chocolate gets all melty and the sugar coating serves as an adhesive, adhering the marshmallow to the graham cracker so you don't end up with a big mess all over you.

First of all, I cannot comment on this authenticity as I have yet to successfully create a smore (I always eat the chocolate first while the marshmallow is cooking, and then eat the marshmallow immediately after I catch it on fire because I can't possibly wait the 48 seconds it takes for the flames to lightly toast it, so I stick it right down in there - AND, because who really wants a damn graham cracker? They fall squarely into the "not worth it" category. Wasted carbs I tell you!

Obviously, I was the winner of the Great Debate. (It's my blog; therefore, I get to choose the winner - take a wild guess whom I like better?)

And then, I arrived home to find my housekeeper left me this:

There is a large warning to Keep the OFF wipes "out of reach of children." Obviously, they need to expand their warning to include "Keep out of reach of Garlic." The worst part of this whole situation is that garlic was like $12!!!
How firm is the 5 second rule??


Susan said...

Vampires, mosquitos, they're all basically the same so it doesn't matter if your protective measures get all squished together.

Gaston Studio said...

To be honest, I think those Peeps ARE definitely leftovers from the 50s and NO ONE should be eating them in any shape or form. They're disgusting and so plasticky (new word?)! So I totally believe your FACT.

And I totally get why you've never had a smore because I never have for the same reason; who can wait with chocolate of any type around? And I agree about graham crackers (with the exception of using them as crust for homemade cheese cake) as being totally useless.

In fact, why the hell am I commenting at all because all I'm doing is repeating. Aw, just forget it...

Can't believe I'm so agreeable today, and I do expect renumeration.

Anonymous said...

oh my gosh- why would she put the off things with the garlic anyways? and forget about stink eye- do you have to deal with fucking vampires there? well wait...government folks are blood sucking souls- hey wait- is she trying to tell you something!?
go buy a chicken, sacrifice it and hang it by your door! QUICK!

Hit 40 said...

I am impressed that you can focus on melted chocolate with fecal material floating in the air giving you stink ear. LIZ - MAKE YOUR OWN BLOG SO WE CAN STALK YOU TOO!!! I wrote large in case she tries to just skim read.

Elizabeth said...

How can you possibly refuse to eat a Peep?! It's REFINED SUGAR, woman! The lifeblood! The source of all the goodness and love in the world! Does a carrot provide you with comfort when you're stressed, and put a smile on your face on a bad day? Nay, I say! This is why the blood-sucking capitalists known as the "Girl Scouts" don't have an annual salad fundraiser!

Now, it is true that a Peep by itself is like sucking on a stale sugar cube that was left out by the coffee pot at church for a couple decades, but heat it in the microwave and it turns into a deliciously gooey concoction that melts beautifully in tandem with a generous chunk of Hershey's milk chocolate. PLUS, as bonus for your inner psychopath, its fun to torture the little chicks by blowing them up in the microwave. My kids affectionately refer to this process as Peep Death. It's an Easter tradition in our family.

Oh, and one more thing for all you blog fans: Don't let Michel fool you with this "I don't eat Peeps, I've got standards" bullshit. I've seen her eat candy of questionable vintage that she discovered rolling around in her desk drawer.

Vodka Mom said...

How can one go from PEEPS to GARLIC CLOVES in one fell swoop??

talent, that's how.


Vodka Mom said...

you better NOT be using that garlic on meat. Braja will KICK YOUR ASS.

Vodka Mom said...

we'll just keep that between me and you.....

now flip that burger.

Beth said...

Peeps rock! They make awesome decorations around the house and office. And here I find out they are edible? Who the hell knew? Even the rats in my school don't touch my peep decorations.

My favorite peep is Peep-us Christ on the cross. He died for our (your) sins.

Garlic with Off wipes can't be any worse than flaming marshmallows. Aren't ashes and marshmallow chemicals bad for you? So, the Off would be about the same. Thats my opinion. Since you asked and all.

Smart Mouth Broad said...

Totally agree on the peeps. Eww.
Totally disagree on the smores. The secret to a good smore is beer. Then you eat the chocolate while the marshmallow is toasting. Then you just get more to eat with the mallow and the graham. Wash down with beer. It's a Smart Mouth delicacy. Try it.

Tee aka The Diva's Thoughts said...

Yuck!!! Peeps are right down there with fruit cake in my opinion. Who eats that crap? LOL!

Very funny post. I love it.

Gaston Studio said...

Am connecting with you on something new my daughter told me about and it looks cool!
Am going to grab one of your peeps (NOT that kind of peep!) now and give it a whirl!

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