Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Hypochondria

I suspect that living in Africa has given me a touch of the hypochondria. It’s only natural really, what with the Lassa fever, Guinea worm, Malaria, Stink Eye, Poop Ear, and God only knows what other diseases are waiting to attack me, it was only a matter of time before I would have a serious medical scare. I should have seen it coming!!

So last night...(no shit) there I was…minding my own business (well, technically, I was minding everyone else’s business. Since I have no current access to TV here – which, frankly is an outrage – I was reading everyone’s blogs and then spouting my opinion on what you had to say. I am worried that this will become addicting to me because I have finally found a forum from which to judge, pontificate, throw out baseless accusations, and call into question whatever the hell I feel like…and unless you’ve put comment moderation on your blog, there is NOTHING you can do to stop me!!! Soon, technology will come up with a method to block me, but until then it is GAME ON!)

Anyway, so after leaving a particularly insightful comment on someone’s blog (whose name I do not recall because it wasn’t a post about me), I happened to look down and notice a large brown spot just below my collar bone. Now because you can't see me (and Thank God too because I haven't combed my hair) you wouldn't know that I have a lot of freckles and moles - I know, I'm a freakish monster!) However, this was not my normal freakfest, upon closer inspection, it had irregular borders and was not uniform in color!

I KNOW! I totally crapped my pants. I gots the CANCER!!!

Worse yet, the SKIN CANCER – which would effectively limit my ability to tan – and everyone knows that tan fat looks soooo much better than pasty white fat (darker colors are slimming)!!!! And, this came as quite a shock to me because I have Indian in my heritage (feather, not dot) and my chances of getting skin cancer are waaay lower than my Scottish (and now technically UK) pasty-white hubby. Plus, he ALWAYS lectures me about wearing sunblock (don't start commenters, I'm fragile), I cannot possibly give him a REASON to lecture me. WHEN WOULD IT END?!

So then I started to panic.

As you may or may not recall, I am in Sudan, Sudan is in Africa, and Africa is NOT in America where my dermatologist lives. I believe I may have also mentioned my lack of confidence in USG doctors (because I believe they cannot make it in private practice) which was subsequently compounded after my check-in briefing here at the Embassy when the “doctor” said he had never heard that Doxycycline (for malaria meds) may impact the effectiveness of the birth control pill. WTF?! Not only does every damn happy YAZ commercial tell you that antibiotics mess it up, so does the pharmacist, my mother, every doctor or physician’s assistant in America, the UK and Pakistan, AND, I even think my dog Kernel knows it! THEREFORE, I was not bringing my cancer to him. He would tell me to walk it off.

So then I did some internet research (because that always helps). According to my independent research analysis of the spot, I have a truly hideous form of malignant skin cancer and there was pretty much no hope for me.

Well, F it then! I ate some more Easter candy from my fabulous in-laws (hear that MOTHER? Where the hell is my care package?!) (Nobody panic, she doesn’t read this!) Why should I worry about being the only human being in the history of the world who manages to gain weight while in Sudan?? Sure, they’d mock me at my funeral, but I would just haunt their asses!!!

So after I progressed to acceptance of my imminent demise, I noticed that the chocolate eggs (that I had to work so hard to get the foil off because they got all melty in the mail – but God knows that didn’t stop me) were very messy….I got it all over my shirt…So then I was like…..Hey! Wait a minute!

My cancer was chocolate.

How humiliating would THAT have been if I had called for an immediate med-evac back to the States to inspect my suspicious spot? Because you KNOW that shit would have been written up and sent back to the Embassy before my plane even landed!

27 comments:

darsden said...

okay had to stop reading...white belly flapping up and down at you here "feather, not dot"

darsden said...

okay see when my bellys starts flapping I faint because I am laughing so hard.. OMG I new it was going to be chocolate..LOL I have been rolling on the floor thanks...great way with the word play and post today :-)

darsden said...

I also want to know why I don't show up on that pretty side bar over there I have joined 7 frigging times and I never see me! But, theres Braja headcarting all over the place.

Gaston Studio said...

ROFLMAO!!!
Okay, I knew it was chocolate too but that didn't stop me from spewing out the iced tea I'm drinking all the computer screen!

So we all know that you don't have decent TV (read American) over there so why aren't you talking about renting all the pirate videos and watching the movies with heads at the bottom of the screen? 'Cause I know you can get your hands on priate videos. Wait a minute, maybe the Embassy won't ALLOW you to rent pirate videos!
But you do know that you can watch movies on the 'puter, right?!

Michel said...

okay, so Jane has instructed me that I have to post my snarky comebacks publically here, so everyone feel free to throw out accusing comments on her blog Gaston Studios because she's got it coming.

Darsden: I did a whole blog on the mutliple way I describe my indian heritage (casino, not slurpee) back in the day - I'm thinking early Jan because my parents were visiting. Needless to say, my mother was NOT amused. (but you gotta admit, that shit is funny!)

For the record, I do not control that frog thing and have no recollection of even how I got it. Try licking the frog picture - it works with toads.

Jane: AND FOR THE RECORD: HOW DID EVERYONE KNOW IT WAS GOING TO BE CHOCOLATE! I did not even consider it (although God knows I eat enough of that!)

Re: no TV - Sudan SUCKS! They do not offer bootleg DVDs. they have DVDs, but they WAIT until they are out on video and you just have them burn it to a CD that subsequently does not play on your DVD player unless you bought it in this REGION. DID YOU KNOW THEY NUMBER THE MOTHER F'IN REGIONS?!

My goodness! look at all the crap I teach you people!

Mrs. K said...

i just posted something because you reminded me of it....he he he

Hit 40 said...

Oh I am so glad that I did not skim read this LOL!!! On monday, I thought that the school changed the locks on my classroom door. My mind went wild with WTF. I went politely asking about a new key? Turns out the I just tried the wrong key in the first place. I think I was panicking because I was worried about my bonsai plants that I had left alone over a week.

SuburbanCorrespondent said...

You've got to watch out for that chocolate cancer - it metastisizes to the hips.

Gaston Studio said...

NO bootleg dvd's! Outrageous! I'd sue those suckers if I were you.

Not sure, but I think Hit40 wants you to stay after school!

movindowntheroad said...

Oh my goodness. Thank goodness for chocolate, eh?

Susan said...

I'm an obvious 'tard 'cuz I didn't see the chocolate coming. Feather, not dot. I'm SO stealing that!!

amy said...

I have a girl crush on you. :)

You say all the things that I would only say to my husband, only you say them in your blog...brilliant! You're funny, I just come off as bitchy. You can find me at thepregnancychronicles.blogspot.com in addition to the screamin deal blog that's public.

Keep the posts comin... !

minoyw said...

For the record, that's not the first time Kell mistook a food remnant stuck to her body for a deadly disease. Kell - didn't you once fall asleep, awoke to find a corn flake smushed to your neck, and assumed you had caught leprosy?

blognut said...

Oh for Pete's sake! You had me all worried and it turns out you're just kind of a pig when you eat melty chocolate!

That's the last time I get all worked up about one of your illnesses!

darsden said...

Blognut...(laid out slapping the floor) that was hilarious... damn you for thinking that and not me...hell I thought it I was just too nice to say it ;-) (see my dimples)

Smart Mouth Broad said...

Oh dear Gawd, woman! You have chocolate cancer! That's the worst kind. I'll be up all night praying for ............grahams and marshmallows.

darsden said...

SMB... I am going to need stitches tonight! Ya'll are cracking me up...witty woman!!

Yeah, I'm Still Here... said...

Ok, I'm dyin' here! Casino not Slurpee! LMAO!

Michel said...

Damnitt, I had a big long comment list on all your stuff...and then I somehow lost it! SO, you get the abbreviated version:

Mrs. K; you owe me finder's fee. I'm sure you've written check already.

Hit 40: I will deal with you later - after school! FYI: nobody uses math after school....NOBODY. We hire people to do that FOR us...do you see??

SC: unfortunately, it has already spead to my hips, butt, thighs, muffin top and upper arms. I'm frankly shocked I'm still alive at this point.

Jane: This is all your fault you know!

Moveindowntheroad: I forgot what I was going to say because your name is too long. Be a lamb would you, and shorten it?

Susan: No need to steal, I GIVE it to you. However, I will probably take it back (yes, I know I am going to hell for that one.)

Amy: Girl crush!? NO MEANS NO!!! However, I understand the pain this must cause you, so I will visit. Promise you will not gross me out with any gross body stories of pregnancy. I don't do innards.

Minoy, that was not a corn flake, that was a 100 grand wrapper. I was passed out in a chocolate coma after I ate the entire bag of candy so the snot-nosed brats couldn't get any of the special candy avaiable only at Halloween. God I love those! I'd do it again too! It's for the kids!!!!

Blognut: you're just NOW figuring out I'm a pig?? Hit 40 could probably tutor you so you can keep it if you need it!

Michel said...

Got scared. had to break it up. (and that was abbreviated people!!!

Darsden: I'll deal with you later!

SMB: You are an angel. Your "prayers" mean the world to me. I assume they will arrive in 6-10 days??

yeah, I'm still here: ME TOO!

Mrs. K said...

shit Michel...it's my latest post- how i just about ate shit thinking it was peanut butter. it's there! I swear!

Gaston Studio said...

...And I laughed my head off at your post Mrs. K because I used to love peanut butter and mustard sandwiches until I had my first baby!

See Michel, they LOVE your comments as much as your posts... and you were hell bent on depriving us!
Jane

Michel said...

Jane, did you just say you loved peanut butter and mustard BEFORE you were pregnant?

My god woman! That is NOT RIGHT.

Gaston Studio said...

Yes, once I changed the first diaper, I never had one again; can't even remember what they tasted like but I know it would be different from what Mrs. K tasted when she put her finger in her mouth!

Beth said...

See what happens when I have to work so much. Everyone gets to read your post and comment and NOW the freakin post is old news. Clearly, you've already made the paper as miraculously healed.

Casino, not slurpee. Holy shit. How do you think of all this? I am so stealing that politically incorrect phrase!

Michel said...

Jane: (a) WHY would you ever put those together; (b) I can tell you what it tasted like, SHIT. Mrs. K tasted it!

Beth: recycling a comment is appropriate in this regard because you set it up sooo nicely. "I give you the comment, and then will probably take it back." It's my nature.

Anonymous said...

Not bad article, but I really miss that you didn't express your opinion, but ok you just have different approach