I suspect that living in Africa has given me a touch of the hypochondria. It’s only natural really, what with the Lassa fever, Guinea worm, Malaria, Stink Eye, Poop Ear, and God only knows what other diseases are waiting to attack me, it was only a matter of time before I would have a serious medical scare. I should have seen it coming!!
So last night...(no shit) there I was…minding my own business (well, technically, I was minding everyone else’s business. Since I have no current access to TV here – which, frankly is an outrage – I was reading everyone’s blogs and then spouting my opinion on what you had to say. I am worried that this will become addicting to me because I have finally found a forum from which to judge, pontificate, throw out baseless accusations, and call into question whatever the hell I feel like…and unless you’ve put comment moderation on your blog, there is NOTHING you can do to stop me!!! Soon, technology will come up with a method to block me, but until then it is GAME ON!)
Anyway, so after leaving a particularly insightful comment on someone’s blog (whose name I do not recall because it wasn’t a post about me), I happened to look down and notice a large brown spot just below my collar bone. Now because you can't see me (and Thank God too because I haven't combed my hair) you wouldn't know that I have a lot of freckles and moles - I know, I'm a freakish monster!) However, this was not my normal freakfest, upon closer inspection, it had irregular borders and was not uniform in color!
I KNOW! I totally crapped my pants. I gots the CANCER!!!
Worse yet, the SKIN CANCER – which would effectively limit my ability to tan – and everyone knows that tan fat looks soooo much better than pasty white fat (darker colors are slimming)!!!! And, this came as quite a shock to me because I have Indian in my heritage (feather, not dot) and my chances of getting skin cancer are waaay lower than my Scottish (and now technically UK) pasty-white hubby. Plus, he ALWAYS lectures me about wearing sunblock (don't start commenters, I'm fragile), I cannot possibly give him a REASON to lecture me. WHEN WOULD IT END?!
So then I started to panic.
As you may or may not recall, I am in Sudan, Sudan is in Africa, and Africa is NOT in America where my dermatologist lives. I believe I may have also mentioned my lack of confidence in USG doctors (because I believe they cannot make it in private practice) which was subsequently compounded after my check-in briefing here at the Embassy when the “doctor” said he had never heard that Doxycycline (for malaria meds) may impact the effectiveness of the birth control pill. WTF?! Not only does every damn happy YAZ commercial tell you that antibiotics mess it up, so does the pharmacist, my mother, every doctor or physician’s assistant in America, the UK and Pakistan, AND, I even think my dog Kernel knows it! THEREFORE, I was not bringing my cancer to him. He would tell me to walk it off.
So then I did some internet research (because that always helps). According to my independent research analysis of the spot, I have a truly hideous form of malignant skin cancer and there was pretty much no hope for me.
Well, F it then! I ate some more Easter candy from my fabulous in-laws (hear that MOTHER? Where the hell is my care package?!) (Nobody panic, she doesn’t read this!) Why should I worry about being the only human being in the history of the world who manages to gain weight while in Sudan?? Sure, they’d mock me at my funeral, but I would just haunt their asses!!!
So after I progressed to acceptance of my imminent demise, I noticed that the chocolate eggs (that I had to work so hard to get the foil off because they got all melty in the mail – but God knows that didn’t stop me) were very messy….I got it all over my shirt…So then I was like…..Hey! Wait a minute!
My cancer was chocolate.
How humiliating would THAT have been if I had called for an immediate med-evac back to the States to inspect my suspicious spot? Because you KNOW that shit would have been written up and sent back to the Embassy before my plane even landed!
Get thee to an independent bookstore.
59 minutes ago