The State Department Regrets to Inform You

It is with our depeest and profound sympathy that the State Department regrets to inform you that your dear friend, Ms. Michel M. was sacrificed in the line of duty on the evening of the 24th of April, 2009. During the course of her duties, subj gallantly and selflessly threw herself in front of a bottle of Johnny Walker Black Label scotch. While her motivations are somewhat unclear, it was apparent that Michel felt that the bottle would probably harm or injure another American diplomat, perhaps a friend or colleague.

Michel was found lying on her bathroom floor, surrounded by her good friends, toilet brush and rug, late in the evening after her colleagues and some European foreign nationals departed her residence. Michel's loyal and trusted friends tried to revive her with limited success. Michel regained consciousness only briefly, and uttered the words "chicken wings....medium spicy..." Michel then threw up on herself, turned turtle, and expired.

Michel was a paragon of the dedicated, selfless and stupid officers of her fine organization. Her sacrifice is a credit to herself, her organization, the United States of America, and her liver.

I know how empty and meaningless any words of sympathy would be for you at this time; however, we can only hope that your bereavement will be assuaged by the solemn pride that must be yours in knowing that you have laid such a costly sacrifice upon the alter of freedom.

There will be a candlelight prayer service in the American club bar in Michel's honor this evening at seven. All are invited. Two drink minimum.