To Whom It May Concern in Washington, DC

It has come to my attention that the embassy in Khartoum is subject to excessively harsh mail sending restrictions, much more than the other posts around the world. I would like to bring this issue to your attention because I believe that there may have been some sort of mistake - that you could not have possibly meant to restrict the size of the outgoing mail to be smaller than a VHS box as the oh so friendly mail clerk here at post informed me. For example, instructed me that my T-shirt was "oversized" and would not be allowed in the outgoing mail from Khartoum.

At first I got all affronted because I was trying to mail an US Embassy, Khartoum T-shirt to this freak - I mean, my friend Otin - although God only knows why because I have recently found out that he likes those one "Chunky" candy bars. Remember that?? THAT SHIT HAD RAISINS IN IT! Grapes nobody wanted that were just left laying around until someone was like, "hmmm...I bet if we threw that into a candy bar, nobody would notice." and then realized it had to be a chocolate one because you'd totally spot that shit otherwise. When nobody -- except Otin apparently - liked that, they ended up throwing them in a fruit cake because they knew that nobody would ever eat that shit and its not like the Raisins are going to go bad - they're already dead grapes. What the hell were you thinking Otin??

However, because I tolerate all kinds of freaks and "respect" your right to eat all the shit I don't want - I was still going to send him the shirt because, Whatever! I don't judge! (OMG!! I couldn't even say that last sentence with a straight face!!!)

Then the monster pointed out that it was not the size of the shirt he was discriminating against, it was the size of the box - and he pointed out a VHS case (which I believe might have once held "Tootsie" in it) and told me that I was not going to send anything out of his office larger than that.

HE IS NOT THE MAIL FAIRY!!!

ANYWAY, I am sending this letter to simply highlight to you that (a) nobody uses VHS any longer and I'm not sure where in the hell we are supposed to get a box that will fit your specifications; (b) I have recently gathered a bunch of Africrap from around here that I was PLANNING on sending to people in order to buy their friendship. (*Why you gotta ruin my flavah!?); and (c) What the hell kinda training course do you send these mailmen to? WHY THE HELL ARE YOU TRAINING THEM TO BE "POSTAL" in Sudan as well??

I don't think you understand what you have done here. You made them into a mailman and now these "mailmen" are starving themselves during daylight hours for Ramadan, essentially turning themselves into rabid beasts by 3 pm.

As such, I would appreciate your assistance to rectify this situation. Poor Otin will be sitting in tears awaiting his shirt. Little Blognut won't get her bracelet made of real, genuine "product" as the man told me as he lovingly pulled it out for me to see...(oooh. Ahhh...product!) Do you have any idea how rare materials made of "product" are these days??

In the interim while I assume you create your study groups and they draft their 30 page findings, I would appreciate it if you would send me some Kevlar. I'm no longer Afraid Sudan is going to get me, I'm now having nightmares about the mailman.

Thank you for your anticipated cooperation in this regard.

Sincerely,

Michel