Sunday, September 6, 2009

Early Morning Brush with Death....

No Shit! There I was.....minding my own business, taking a shower...and even though Josh is not here, I still decided I should shave my legs (it's waay too hot here for fur)! Well, as I was singing into the razor (NO! That didn't happen, but if it did...MY GOD that would have been even worse!! I see the danger now...), I decided to do a little happy dance to go along with the happy tune I was singing. (for the record, I have no idea why I am happy on a morning when I have to go to work. I can only assume I am still drunk or something). Anyway, while I did my happy dance, I somehow managed to drop the razor onto my foot. (This is not the first time this has happened to me. In fact, I'm starting to think it might be a regular hazard and I should probably take appropriate protective measures. Like hire someone to shave my legs for me. Okay Josh?? It's for SAFETY!)

Anyway, as all you girls know, it didn't hurt at first - simply surprised me. But as I stared at it, I realized that the razor somehow managed to shave off a what appeared to be replica of Sudan off of the top of my foot!!! Naturally, at this point, I stood very still and stared at it. The longer I stared, I could start to feel a little sting and then I knew what was coming.....

OH THE HUMANITY!!!

It was like a scene from Psycho! Naturally, all I could think about was the stupid stories my friends who are retired police detectives tell me constantly about how all the dead people they found in their career were always naked. That's right!! You heard me: NAKED.

My two biggest fears: Being found dead naked and/or dying in a food related incident. Or, worse yet: Dying in a food related incidient WHILE naked. OMG I just freaked myself out a little there.

So not only did I lose what appeared to be 3 litres of blood (or it might be something else, I can't really figure out the metric system! Although snaps to me for spelling it all British-like...) I now have an open wound that pretty much opens the door for Africa to not only touch me, but to just stroll on inside.

Welcome Africa!! Parasites and Amoebas to the left; flesh eating bacteria, please move to the right....
No pushing...there's plenty of room for everyone.

24 comments:

AmyK said...

Ouch! I can feel that sting right now. Have no fear, good ole aloe will heal anything.

tera said...

Aaaaaauuuuuuggggghhhh!

I totally hate that shit! My problem is that I'm a bath person so when I carve that roast beef sized chunk out of my shin I don't usually know about it til I stick my leg back in the tub.
Ooh! Pretty pink bath for me!
Yah. Not so much.

You have my sympathies.

blognut said...

I CAN'T STAND IT WHEN THAT HAPPENS!!! And the worse the cut, the longer it seems to take your leg to come out of its trauma-induced shock and start spouting blood all over the place!

Do you need a blood transfusion? Should I start a drive for you? You look a little pale.

♥ Braja said...

But you have dogs, right? They'll eat you before you're found, saving you from being on the receiving end of an inglorious discovery.....

♥ Braja said...

Oh and Amy K's comment? Believe me, after having gone thru a windscreen face first? Aloe WORKS.

What? I know I had plastic surgery. But it had to heal BEFORE I got the plastic surgery. Jeez.....

Beth said...

Are you saying you DON'T have band-aids in Africa? Maybe you should wrap your foot in a bunch of bandages. Or better yet, you should get medical leave until the wound has healed.

And are their times when you are eating AND naked? That is like eating in the bathroom! Gross! I feel a little sick now.

A Mom on Spin said...

Shaving is so over-rated anyway. . .

otin said...

I would probably have the same fears, some flesh eating parasite or something!

darsden said...

OMG even when faced with death YOU are hilarious..I want to know what kind of razor you are using...because it is so hard to cut yourself with the new improved safety razors.

Yep, she has also told on herself, she sings, she dances, she sings and dances naked and I bet..I just bet she eat all those lil debbies while singing, dancing, eating naked!! LMAO

Mrs. K said...

Oh good Lord- reading this made me sick to my stomach- cover it up with bandages and TONS of neosporin for you! maybe an iv with antibiotics or something!

Pwn Star said...

Oh I feel your pain! That's my worst nightmare!

*shudders*

Susan said...

I hope you called in sick and self treated with Neosporin and tequila. Get well soon.

Moannie said...

I'm with the Aloe vera cure. Perhaps you could hand the razor on a piece of string, making sue it is not long enough to full to your feet, or worse.

Made a good post though so the loss of blood was worthit.

Optimistic Pessimist said...

I think you better start keeping your promises to god...just to be safe.

Captain Dumbass said...

Do women in Africa shave their legs?

Fragrant Liar said...

Oh, man! At least you didn't slip and fall and bust your ass when the sight of it horrified you and threw you off balance and you also bonked your head and nearly passed out and pulled down all the shampoo bottles on top of your head and you ended up with a full body bruise. Cuz that shit hurts!

I imagine . . .

Fragrant Liar said...

And hey, are you wearing trousers? I'd keep that skirt on, if I were you. Just read about Lubna Hussein. (And hey, I'd change my name if I were her. I mean, Lubna? Think of the jokes. I know you have one.)

rubbish said...

Just pour some 100% alcohol on it and suck it up.

mo.stoneskin said...

I always suspected you were a razor-singer. I could just tell. Something in your eyes.

Comedy Goddess said...

Wax.

Smart Mouth Broad said...

I'm not sure you want to explore the possibility of waxing in Sudan so.......Got Nair?

Gaston Studio said...

OMG, this was fantastically funny Michel. Definitely one of your best to date!

Suzy said...

Dude, a brother of a friend of mine was in the shower one day and slipped and clocked his head on the dead Farah Fawcett and became a quadroplegic. I ran to the store to get one of those rubber mats that I used to make fun of.

Hit 40 said...

Ouch!! What kinda freaking Sudan razor are you using?? Is this really a razor or a small weapon to shank someone if you totally lose it stuck on the compound???