Monday, September 14, 2009

To Whom It May Concern in Washington, DC

It has come to my attention that the embassy in Khartoum is subject to excessively harsh mail sending restrictions, much more than the other posts around the world. I would like to bring this issue to your attention because I believe that there may have been some sort of mistake - that you could not have possibly meant to restrict the size of the outgoing mail to be smaller than a VHS box as the oh so friendly mail clerk here at post informed me. For example, instructed me that my T-shirt was "oversized" and would not be allowed in the outgoing mail from Khartoum.

At first I got all affronted because I was trying to mail an US Embassy, Khartoum T-shirt to this freak - I mean, my friend Otin - although God only knows why because I have recently found out that he likes those one "Chunky" candy bars. Remember that?? THAT SHIT HAD RAISINS IN IT! Grapes nobody wanted that were just left laying around until someone was like, "hmmm...I bet if we threw that into a candy bar, nobody would notice." and then realized it had to be a chocolate one because you'd totally spot that shit otherwise. When nobody -- except Otin apparently - liked that, they ended up throwing them in a fruit cake because they knew that nobody would ever eat that shit and its not like the Raisins are going to go bad - they're already dead grapes. What the hell were you thinking Otin??

However, because I tolerate all kinds of freaks and "respect" your right to eat all the shit I don't want - I was still going to send him the shirt because, Whatever! I don't judge! (OMG!! I couldn't even say that last sentence with a straight face!!!)

Then the monster pointed out that it was not the size of the shirt he was discriminating against, it was the size of the box - and he pointed out a VHS case (which I believe might have once held "Tootsie" in it) and told me that I was not going to send anything out of his office larger than that.

HE IS NOT THE MAIL FAIRY!!!

ANYWAY, I am sending this letter to simply highlight to you that (a) nobody uses VHS any longer and I'm not sure where in the hell we are supposed to get a box that will fit your specifications; (b) I have recently gathered a bunch of Africrap from around here that I was PLANNING on sending to people in order to buy their friendship. (*Why you gotta ruin my flavah!?); and (c) What the hell kinda training course do you send these mailmen to? WHY THE HELL ARE YOU TRAINING THEM TO BE "POSTAL" in Sudan as well??

I don't think you understand what you have done here. You made them into a mailman and now these "mailmen" are starving themselves during daylight hours for Ramadan, essentially turning themselves into rabid beasts by 3 pm.

As such, I would appreciate your assistance to rectify this situation. Poor Otin will be sitting in tears awaiting his shirt. Little Blognut won't get her bracelet made of real, genuine "product" as the man told me as he lovingly pulled it out for me to see...(oooh. Ahhh...product!) Do you have any idea how rare materials made of "product" are these days??

In the interim while I assume you create your study groups and they draft their 30 page findings, I would appreciate it if you would send me some Kevlar. I'm no longer Afraid Sudan is going to get me, I'm now having nightmares about the mailman.

Thank you for your anticipated cooperation in this regard.

Sincerely,

Michel

19 comments:

CarrieAnn said...

EW! What kind of candy bar is THAT?!

♥ Braja said...

Otin rocks. I like raisins too. In chocolate. Oh baby yeah....

My computer bag is made of Kevlar. Really.

Mango Girl said...

I certainly hope they change their restrictions; what a bunch of sour grapes...obviously they know not of the power of otin!

Gaston Studio said...

This brought to mind that line in "Bennie and Joon" when she said "raisins are just humiliated grapes"!

Poor Otin and Blognut; waiting with baited breath for the packages that will never arrive... unless you can find a vhs size container.

Optimistic Pessimist said...

Only Otin would like a candy bar like that...shame on you Otin.

Middle Aged Woman said...

I like Chunky bars, too. Kevlar in exchange for authentic "product?" Sounds like a deal to me.

Susan said...

Otin - ew! How about just a plain Snickers? Michel, maybe he'd like some raisins dipped in product.

Comedy Goddess said...

Should your intended item for mailing exceed the designated box size, we shall auction on eBay the entire contents at our sole discretion including pricing.
~The Mail Fairy
*enforcement excludes anything containing raisins. No one should be exposed to raisins.

Suburban Correspondent said...

Mailmen can be very strict. I advise you to do as they say; you don't want them inadvertently "losing" incoming packages of Little Debbies or anything.

firefox said...

It's all about having to send more. they maked the size smaller so you have to make more packages for them. I think the're just...well maybe the mailmen are worried about lay offs.... do more with less right. ( everyone has cut backs) So they cut the size of you box so you have to send out more.....maybe they recieved letters stating that shipping is down and they have to cut back snd charge more for the service..... I know for fact (or maybe not) it's was all about you and seeing just how far they can push you. Just to see you go postal?!!!

Have you ever wondered what choc. covered squish would taste like? now that we know how you feel about raisins....

Anonymous said...

did the mailmen reduce the size of incomming as well? how small do little debbies come? and is it safe to ship them alone. I was always told its best to travel in large groups oversea

Try to remain calm and no snackcakes will be harmed.
OMG the mailmen are planning to hold them hostage, do you have enough rum to buy their freedom. maybe Canada has some thing to do with this.
you should look into this.....( they coud come after your bacon next)

Anonymous said...

Maybe Canada is getting even with you!!!
I know some mom's in South Park that have out for Canada. you need a number?

blognut said...

All I'm sayin' is you better tell that mail clerk fairy freak to get out of the way of my Africrap. Damn it!! I want to put product around my wrist and I will not let some starving mail clerk fairy freak stop me!

You can tell I really like getting stuff, right?

Captain Dumbass said...

You have shirts?!?! And you can't send them out?!?! BASTARDS!!! I'd be willing to trade for one of those. I'm writing to my congressman. Wait, I don't have one....

Oh, and covered in chocolate is the only way to eat raisins. That way their evil souls can't escape before you consume them.

otin said...

What the hell is wrong with raisins? I like prunes also! Dumb ass mail system! I want my shirt :(

The post is about me and I am the last comment!!!!

Pastor Sharon said...

I cannot believe the mess you are in now!

And what in the name of every Sudanese are you sending bracelets made of product for? If the product is like what I use in my hair, it is water soluable and will disolve as soon as Blognut washes her hands.

Regarding the raisins. . . we can't go see a movie together. It's not complete without raisinettes and popcorn!

You should come home before someone over there goes "postal" on you! LOL

firefox said...

HEADLINE READS…

Starbucks crazed Diplomat tasered in mail room

Today as on lookers watched a crazed US diplomat lose it. While trying to mail her packages to friends. She was told they were 2” to wide, by a raisin eating mail worker. “It’s just a damn t-shirt!” She mumbled to herself.
Sources say she began to shake the boxes. Then how shall I send them?
The mail worker said I don’t know “if it doesn’t fit we can’t ship!” that’s when went crazy. She grabbed the bag of raisins and forced then down his throat. Can I ship them now! Was all she cried out!
Investigator stated the cause of death was obstructed airway, over 1 pound of raisin was found in his throat. Her attorney said she was suffering for starbuck induced psychosis. Pumpkin spice latte withdrawal has been known to cause this growing psychosis

rubbish said...

When I find myself in situations like this I just think to myself, what would Tony Soprano do?
Surely there must be some Paulie Walnuts psycho type in Sudan who can pay this Mail Man a visit?

Fragrant Liar said...

I'm concerned that Otin's manhood is at stake here. I mean, candy bars with raisins in a Tootsie box? Dude, what are you keeping from us? And prunes too?