Remember when I was all saying I was going to try really, really hard to be a better person?? How I was going to mind my mother and father and remember that if you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all?!
Well, Thanks a LOT mom and Dad! Now look what you've done!! NOW I HAVE NOTHING TO SAY!? So what the hell am I supposed to do now!?
Do you have any idea how very hard it has been for me to remain silent!? How very difficult it is for me not to throw out baseless accusations and digress into exaggerated hyperbole?? Frankly, I don't like this new and improved me -- it's not a good fit. It's UNPOSSIBLE for me to keep this up! If I do, I will simply end up a bitter, resentful, mute with a lotta opinions left unsaid.
That's not my way.
Therefore, I take back my vow of niceness -- my promise to be polite to others, kind to my fellow man, and not to make up shit for the sake of a story. My stories gotta be told! (Well, they gotta be told, but they're (frankly) boring if I tell them like they "really" happened. Nobody wants to hear that shit. Ergo, I will continue to make my stories "better.")
AS SUCH, heretofore, all my stories will begin with "No Shit! There I was...." I give fair warning that I will take credit for cool stuff other people do and write "by Michel" - usually in crayon - for anything worthy of notice. In fact, I should also demand that Little Debbie give me a kick back for all the new business I effing drummed up for that little whore. I believe it was me that started the Great Snack Cake Debate of 2008 where the merits of Little Debbie were held up to the more well known brands such as Hostess or Dolly Madison. (Or, maybe I just totally made that up, but it really would be a good topic for a debate. They should write that down for the next Presidential Campaign....) However, would it kill you to send me an effin thank you note Debbie (whom I'm not sure is likely that little anymore...her butt cannot remain unaffected by her tasty treats)??? I'm just sayin, One Might question your upbringing! A little kickback to the Little Debbie-less in Khartoum might go a long way toward your future of free advertising you two-bit ho.
Obviously, it is clear that I might also have a future career in Politics. I seem to have all the required traits to be a successful one! Now, the only thing left to figure out is how I'm going to pull all this off without once again getting smoted. I suspect that the next time God decides to smote me, I will at least have had it coming!!
That seems fair.
The Very Best Day
5 hours ago