Monday, September 28, 2009

Obviously, I Just Can't Do It....

Remember when I was all saying I was going to try really, really hard to be a better person?? How I was going to mind my mother and father and remember that if you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all?! 

Well, Thanks a LOT mom and Dad!  Now look what you've done!! NOW I HAVE NOTHING TO SAY!?    So what the hell am I supposed to do now!?

Do you have any idea how very hard it has been for me to remain silent!?  How very difficult it is for me not to throw out baseless accusations and digress into exaggerated hyperbole?? Frankly, I don't like this new and improved me -- it's not a good fit. It's UNPOSSIBLE for me to keep this up!  If I do, I will simply end up a bitter, resentful, mute with a lotta opinions left unsaid. 

That's not my way.

Therefore, I take back my vow of niceness -- my promise to be polite to others, kind to my fellow man, and not to make up shit for the sake of a story.  My stories gotta be told!  (Well, they gotta be told, but they're (frankly) boring if I tell them like they "really" happened.  Nobody wants to hear that shit.  Ergo, I will continue to make my stories "better.")

AS SUCH, heretofore, all my stories will begin with "No Shit! There I was...."  I give fair warning that I will take credit for cool stuff other people do and write "by Michel" - usually in crayon -  for anything worthy of notice.   In fact, I should also demand that Little Debbie give me a kick back for all the new business I effing drummed up for that little whore.  I believe it was me that started the Great Snack Cake Debate of 2008 where the merits of Little Debbie were held up to the more well known brands such as Hostess or Dolly Madison.  (Or, maybe I just totally made that up, but it really would be a good topic for a debate.  They should write that down for the next Presidential Campaign....)  However, would it kill you to send me an effin thank you note Debbie (whom I'm not sure is likely that little anymore...her butt cannot remain unaffected by her tasty treats)???   I'm just sayin, One Might question your upbringing!  A little kickback to the Little Debbie-less in Khartoum might go a long way toward your future of free advertising you two-bit ho.

SELFISH! 

Obviously, it is clear that I might also have a future career in Politics.  I seem to have all the required traits to be a successful one! Now, the only thing left to figure out is how I'm going to pull all this off without once again getting smoted.  I suspect that the next time God decides to smote me, I will at least have had it coming!! 

That seems fair.

23 comments:

Fragrant Liar said...

It just wouldn't be you to be so nice and politically correct. I mean, I wouldn't even RECOGNIZE you, so carry on with your bad smotable self, and we will love you in spite of it. :)

Fragrant Liar said...

Good god, who did I beat to get to the #1 spot?

Fragrant Liar said...

Darsden? Otin? Eileen? Braja?

What a bunch of slackers.

mo.stoneskin said...

Fair, fair, fair. Crayon you say, you use crayons?

Captain Dumbass said...

Make sure you go out with a Little Debbie in each hand and crumbs on your face.

C.B. Jones said...

You can't take credit for other peoples accomplishments, Little Richard did that already(actually he claimed all his ideas were stolen. same difference). I wonder if him and Little Debbie are half cousins.

Mango Girl said...

Whew. Seems like you have some venom to spew forth...me, too.
Eat, drink & be Merry!!!

Mrs. K said...

A couple of things- first on your post below- do you know about CTRL+ALT+PRNT SCREEN? so that you don't have to take a camera and take a pic of your laptop? LOL goof

Second- I am going to hell because I absolutely cannot stop wanting to just totally screw with my co-worker - I can't say anything nice about her- NOTHING. I can't find ANYTHING nice about her...NOTHING...maybe it's,nope, not that, I mean NOTHING. To boot the other day I told her: You know, if you live in FLorida and are going to wear sandals, you really should keep your feet nice and moisturized.

I can't say anything nice to her or about her- I'm going to hell.

Faiqa said...

Oh, God, this post made me laugh so hard I spit green tea all over my most prized possession (my laptop, no, not my kids-- oh, I'm kidding). I fully support your idea of the Little Debbie being a topic for the next presidential election. Anyone who would prefer that other stuff to Little Debbie is clearly flawed.

lakeviewer said...

You are the secret/not so secret Little Debbie Adman. Or, is it ADGirl? You are creating a pyramid scheme, mentioning this product so we would buy and grow in liking it.

Everything else is just window-dressing.

otin said...

I could not imagine this site if everything was always peachy! LOL! I would miss the female Andy Rooney!

A Mom on Spin said...

So let me get this straight. . . when you start a post with "No shit. . . " it means you're lying. . .twice. . .it actually means you're lying to us twice. . .

Pastor Sharon said...

Oh I thought for one quick moment you were going to stay on the wagon and I wasn't going to have something to laugh about!

Now, you have done it! YOu go gurl!!!!!

I am so needing to catch up on my reading here. Other wise you might get too straight laced and I'll have to call in reinforcements!

Heidi said...

I have to be nice too but only at work, my kids can't fire me if I am a bitch to them.
If you run for office I would vote for you even though I am more of a Hostess type person.

Gaston Studio said...

Well thank God! I'm with Fragrant, I wouldn't recognize you if you acted any differently... now excuse me while I go out and buy stock in Little Debbie. Clearly, with all your free ads for them, their stock is going to soar. But don't tell anyone, I want to buy cheap!

kristine said...

niceness is overrated. funniness is much better. definitely.

blognut said...

OMG! I think I may be suffering from a smoting right now. I didn't think of it before, but I was pissy all last week and now? SICK. Full of snot. Miserable. Bitchy. And waaaay less reasonable than I usually am....

What am I gonna do?

Jaime said...

i think i said this last time - nice is NO fun. you be as entertaining, nasty and sarcastic as you want to be... i'm biting my tongue enough for the both of us these days.

Reddirt Woman said...

No Shit!!! You were actually gonna "try" to be nice??? Do you have the H1N1 and promise God if he made you all better... You get the drift.

And I could use a good two-bit hoer out here on the plantation...

Helen

Susan said...

I passed a Little Debbie outlet store last weekend. No Shit! I didn't have my camera so I couldn't take a picture. And they were closed or I would have emptied the shelves and sent you an assload of snack cakes. End of taunt.

CK Lunchbox said...

I can understand your love of Little Debbies, but those Hostess Pies are like crack to me. I'm sorry, that's how I roll.

Tee aka The Diva's Thoughts said...

I don't hink I want to see you nice. No way Jose!

Little Debbie is cool and all but I am a Hostess whore!!!

rubbish said...

Been catching up on last weeks blogs (internet down) and loved the photo of the goat. Wonder if it knew how much danger it was actually in?