Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Got Milk??

Okay, so tonight I went to the Chinese National Day here in Khartoum.  I mean, I knew it was coming, I figured this would happen -- I chose shoes with lower heels -- BUT DAMNITT! I was (once again) a freakish giant. 

WTF PEOPLE!? I'm 5'9" tall (Do your own math, I can't be trying to convert to the metric system -- I'm traumatized here!!!) It's not like I'm headed for the world record for tallness - In Montana I'm of average height - however, in DC, I'm effin tall -- But at Chinese National Day? I think I might have prompted the Chinese mission here to make a quick call to the Japanese Embassy to see if Mothra was on the loose!  We're lucky Josh has not arrived yet...although he is not uber tall, once he gets here he will be the Godzilla to my Mothra.   It's no wonder our relations with China are strained.  They're all petite and adorable and I'm ....Let's just say, I'm NOT.

How humiliating is that?!   Someone needs to send some damn whole milk to China!!   I cannot continue to walk around town like this.  I really hate to be referred to as that "big girl" over in the corner.  (YES, I do realize I should not be in the corner but Damnitt, WTF?!  Work with me here people!!!)

PLUS, (In keeping with the adding insult to injury theme of the evening ) there was press there (once again) and I live in fear that I am going to be on the Sudanese equivalent of "People" magazine and I"ll be the one they're claiming was the fashion don't  with the big ole black box over their eyes - oh, we'll all know who it is.  Isn't that MICHEL? OMG! That is soo hilarious (if you are not Michel)!!!

PLUS, the Embassy driver took me to the function tonight, and when getting out of the vehicle (onto the red carpet which SHOULD have been a cool thing) I ran my nylons on the running board.  So then I had to walk up the red carpet and into the function with a big ole hole in my stockings.

Oh yes, you heard me.  The person who represented the UNITED STATES OF AMERICA had runs in her nylons -- and they were NOT fashionably placed!  U-effing-ganda is laughing at us right now!!!  UGANDA PEOPLE!

That is NOT right...

I am so sorry you guys.  the US of A is now a laughing stock in Khartoum.  My stockings have derailed US policy.  I don't even know what to do about this, other than what I did - which was yell "LIAR!" throw some business cards off to the side and run away.

What!?  You got a better idea????

21 comments:

CK Lunchbox said...

What do the Sudanese know about fashion? They wear goats as backpacks.

Funny, about the Chinese National Day... I got a buddy who does the same thing you do, but he's assigned to China.

rubbish said...

Ever thought about having your legs amputated at the knees? Not only would you be the same height as those pesky Chinese but less stockings to ladder. You know it makes sense.

blognut said...

Why in God's name were you even wearing hose?

GO BARE, MICHEL. BE FREE.

Besides, it's, like, HOT there, isn't it? You'd smell way better if you weren't wearing those hose. Just sayin'.

lakeviewer said...

Do they wear nylons in Sudan? Isn't it too hot? Can't you just tan and go out with naked legs? I'm worried about your comfort; I don't give a dime for any embarrassment you thought you caused. When did we ever worry about our image abroad?

otin said...

So, what you are saying is that you felt like a bull in a China shop! LMFAO!

A Mom on Spin said...

You'd think they'd put a few of the Chinese women up on stilts or something. . . .

Beth said...

I don't even know what to say. You've shamed us.

So, whose business cards did you steal?

Lisa (aka LadyWanderlust) said...

You are one freakin' hilarious chick. This is what diplomacy needs. Honesty and a twisted sense of humor. No worries about the nylons...do people EVEN wear nylons or pantyhose anymore...no need to get the knickers in a twist over a hole in the hose.

I say next time, wear 5" stilettos and say Bitch, USA's here!" with 3 snaps! REPRESENT!

;-) LisaB.

darsden said...

NOTE to self, never read Michel when brightening your teeth...makes it look and feel like I have rabies...

OMG This is hilarious as always. Now we really know what happened. ;-)

Pastor Sharon said...

NOBODY puts baby in a corner. . . unless of course she's got a big oh hole in her stockings!

Captain Dumbass said...

Where I live is actually a suburb of Hong Kong, and let me tell you, milk does a body good.

What? Ok, this sounds really dirty but I'm not changing it now. Whatever, hole in your stockings girl!

mo.stoneskin said...

From now on I'm going to call you Mothra.

Sean said...

Don't worry. MechaGodzilla will come along and mess some shit up and they will completely forget about you.

Hit 40 said...

Sudan is way too hot for nylons!! Try some fake tan in a can next time.

♥ Braja said...

Yeah I felt the same in China. And in India. Well...Bengal at least. Shortasses....

Gaston Studio said...

Okay, this is what I was going to say HOURS ago and of course, everyone else has said it by now... except I'd like to know if it's a requirement of the embassy that you were hose.

Optimistic Pessimist said...

I'm 5'3" and have always felt freakishly short. all this time i've been going to the wrong functions. i should be attending National Chinese Day events.

And if there is a Sudan People and you're in it...will you please please send me a copy I'll pay for it with Little Debbies.

Medora said...

Pantyhose is just overrated. And clearly, it is anti-American.

Heidi said...

Hahahhaah! I hope we can still be friends, I am only 5ft 1 3/4 inches short. I don't know if I'm part Chinese though.

Esmerelda said...

As an American, I feel personally insulted by your pantyhose. I am now petitioning Congress to ban pantyhose for all Americans.

I just hate pantyhose....they have this marvelous spray-on hose if you need the "even-tone" look. I could mail it to you?

TechnoBabe said...

Pantyhose? What the heck is that????
I thought all women just shaved and greased their legs and didn't wear those things anymore.