So I am sitting in the car, minding my own business, right?? Paul and I are driving around Khartoum discussing very importanty Embassy stuff like the Comprehensive Peace Agreement and the lack of a Starbucks at the Embassy (guess which was mine??) and we're all seriously debating whether there could EVER REALLY be peace in Sudan without a pumpkin spice latte (I submit to you there could NOT) and Paul totally slams on the breaks...the armored vehicle travels approximately 1 more mile while it stops...and he goes, "Is that a fucking MONKEY?" I shit you not! He totally said the F-word! (AND, in front of me...a LADY! How RUDE!)
However, in his defense, it totally was an effin monkey! AND, it was totally right outside my house! I can only assume the little guy was there to throw some poo (I'm not actually sure what it is that monkeys say they DO). So anyway, we sit there for a while and stare at the monkey and then I realize I should probably take a picture of said monkey - so you would believe that I now have a monkey - but then Paul moved the car and he shocked the monkey, and then the monkey totally made a run for it and I could only get a picture of his ass as he ran away. (Shit! That was some kind of run-on sentence there.)
So this is the only picture I could get of my new monkey (whom I have now named Mortimer). He is the grey lump with monkey balls in the photo below...
(Yes, he's a boy! Don't stare at his butt! It embarrasses him.)
So anyway, I was telling Josh that I intended to start leaving out some fruit for Mortimer - so he doesn't have to rummage through the trash --DOOY! and Josh was all, "No! if you do that then Mortimer (he refuses to call him Mortimer though, he calls him IT) will get all pissed if you don't have something to feed him. Remember JOE in Costa Rica??
(Joe's so cute....)
Remember how you decided to feed him, and then you ran out of granola bars and then Joe was all pissed so he totally jacked our mini-bar?? Remember the bill for Joe's snacks? This is what is going to happen...
So then he starts lecturing me on how Mortimer is all unsanitary and shit...CHAA! Like I'm really going to let a monkey into the house -- well, not into the bedroom! I mean, my GOD! that is Gross. (Only the living room and kitchen!)
But then he managed to convince me; he said, "Fine. Feed him along with the 5 homeless dingos you've already moved into the housing compound. Start your own damn zoo for all I care. . . (yes, we all know it is not ending there). . . I just have one thing to say to you about this: What do you know about Africa and Monkeys???
Well, SHIT! Now I probably gots the Ebola!
Quick! Somebody google the symptoms!! All I know is that my mouth tastes like pennies and I have to use the restroom. (Although, to be fair those were my symptoms when I had mesothelioma and also the Lassa Fever too. Shit! I'm a trooper. It's an effin miracle I'm still alive!)
The big question now for everyone is: Whom can I sue for this??
The Very Best Day
5 hours ago