Friday, September 11, 2009

I Shit You Not... (maybe)

So I am sitting in the car, minding my own business, right?? Paul and I are driving around Khartoum discussing very importanty Embassy stuff like the Comprehensive Peace Agreement and the lack of a Starbucks at the Embassy (guess which was mine??) and we're all seriously debating whether there could EVER REALLY be peace in Sudan without a pumpkin spice latte (I submit to you there could NOT) and Paul totally slams on the breaks...the armored vehicle travels approximately 1 more mile while it stops...and he goes, "Is that a fucking MONKEY?" I shit you not! He totally said the F-word! (AND, in front of me...a LADY! How RUDE!)

However, in his defense, it totally was an effin monkey! AND, it was totally right outside my house! I can only assume the little guy was there to throw some poo (I'm not actually sure what it is that monkeys say they DO). So anyway, we sit there for a while and stare at the monkey and then I realize I should probably take a picture of said monkey - so you would believe that I now have a monkey - but then Paul moved the car and he shocked the monkey, and then the monkey totally made a run for it and I could only get a picture of his ass as he ran away. (Shit! That was some kind of run-on sentence there.)

So this is the only picture I could get of my new monkey (whom I have now named Mortimer). He is the grey lump with monkey balls in the photo below...


(Yes, he's a boy! Don't stare at his butt! It embarrasses him.)

So anyway, I was telling Josh that I intended to start leaving out some fruit for Mortimer - so he doesn't have to rummage through the trash --DOOY! and Josh was all, "No! if you do that then Mortimer (he refuses to call him Mortimer though, he calls him IT) will get all pissed if you don't have something to feed him. Remember JOE in Costa Rica??



(Joe's so cute....)

Remember how you decided to feed him, and then you ran out of granola bars and then Joe was all pissed so he totally jacked our mini-bar?? Remember the bill for Joe's snacks? This is what is going to happen...




(WTF JOE!?)

So then he starts lecturing me on how Mortimer is all unsanitary and shit...CHAA! Like I'm really going to let a monkey into the house -- well, not into the bedroom! I mean, my GOD! that is Gross. (Only the living room and kitchen!)

But then he managed to convince me; he said, "Fine. Feed him along with the 5 homeless dingos you've already moved into the housing compound. Start your own damn zoo for all I care. . . (yes, we all know it is not ending there). . . I just have one thing to say to you about this: What do you know about Africa and Monkeys???

Well, SHIT! Now I probably gots the Ebola!


Quick! Somebody google the symptoms!! All I know is that my mouth tastes like pennies and I have to use the restroom. (Although, to be fair those were my symptoms when I had mesothelioma and also the Lassa Fever too. Shit! I'm a trooper. It's an effin miracle I'm still alive!)

The big question now for everyone is: Whom can I sue for this??

19 comments:

CK Lunchbox said...

leave it some chickens to 'play' with

darsden said...

Ha Ha that's Braja's Monkey I would know him anywhere!

lakeviewer said...

Sue? Do you think you have rights as an American? Not as long as you live under the thumb of the State Department. They can can you and make you into spam. Well, I'm exagerating, not spam. You're in Muslim country; I bet not spam there.

Mrs. K said...

Remind me never to travel with you- I hate critters...and freak out even more so over those with little freaky hands, nails and hanging balls

Optimistic Pessimist said...

I second the zoo! Think about all the peace and joy you would bring to Sudan with your very own zoo.

Middle Aged Woman said...

I'm pretty sure the monkey has a CRAP lawyer.

cinner said...

Everytime I come here, I kill myself laughing.Thanks.

Comedy Goddess said...

Step away from the monkey.

rxBambi said...

I love that he shocked the monkey!! lol made my night! thanks for this one. You totally rock. And you probably do gots the ebola but only if your pronounce it ebb-ola not E-bola... lol

Amy said...

How cute that you have a monkey!! LOVE IT!! Now you have someone to share those Little D's with. You can have a Little D party with the monkey.
OH, and about Starbucks. . is it wrong for me to tell you that Pumpkin spice is my all time favorite, and that I had one today!!!! They just started the pumpkin spice last week here in Indiana!! WHOO HOO!!! I can now make it through the winter!

♥ Braja said...

I can't fucking believe this.
What, you ask?
That first I wrote "fuck" in a comment yesterday.
Second that you thought it was so funny.
Third that you write a post with fuck in it.
And then that I'm laughing so much at all the swearing and isn't that like so totally INFANTILE or something??? And doesn't it sound like I never swear which would be SO much bullshit. I nearly said fucking bullshit there but thought that would be too much and when some people read this they're going to think, "Oh dear, I'm surprised at that Braja, whom I thought was really spiritual," but Michel, you know spirits, and don't people swear when the spirits are flowin'? And doesn't that sound like I'm drinking? Cos...wait...where were we?

Mango Girl said...

He will bring all his monkey friends.

Sue the government for exposing you to mad cow disease.

otin said...

You know the way you feel about birds? Monkeys are on that list for me! That friggin' monkey looks like a cross between a raccoon and a chimp!

blognut said...

Heh. Braja said a bad word.

And you? Should totally stop sucking pennies. Just sayin'.

Also? You'll know you have ebola when you're insides turn to liquid and run right out your ass.

Anonymous said...

well if you ask me; I think you have a major class action suit going now against your parents and DAVID. maybe you should just add this to the list. I'm sure that some how its his (david) fault. if he wouldn't have tortured you so as a child,or your parents for beating you so, HELL you should add your sister and doug for shits and giggles.

As for the ebola, I know for a fact that the parasites that you contracted for the water ( your shaving incident) and the worms you have (from the dirt) in your feet, well eat the ebola virus fastest than that moneky eats a banana !!!!!
I would worry that the DAMN thing would drink all your BOOZE!!! You know those monkeys only wanna party (i've seen the jungle book)...and the bathroom , he'll never flush the toilet. (monkey poop floating) YUCK!!! (OMG) do even wash thier monkey fingers? not thats how you get ebola.
are you hot? do you sweat alot? do you feel like you have to pee all the time? do you have a strange cough? Oh shit you have only minutes to live.....Wait..... i forgot you live in Sudan... Your just fine... eat two zingers and write us in the morning.

Suzy said...

I read it too fast and thought it said "My mouth tastes like penises."

Heidi said...

WHat the hell kind of animal was JOe? He is cute though.

Hit 40 said...

Raccoons and squirrels are cute until they dig a hole through your roof or vents to get more food!! I imagine your rodents are the same. STAY AWAY FROM THE GERMY PARASITE INFESTED RODENTS!! I am with Josh on this one.

tera said...

I can't believe Amy suggested you share your Little Debbies! I will check back later when I'm done ducking and covering...