Wednesday, September 2, 2009

Correction to My Last Post...

Okay, from the comments and emails from my last post, I clearly have to correct what I said - that post was from an Email that Liz forwarded to me off of the internet, not a story of a life-event that Liz told me in tears!! (Although, why you guys suddenly feel all sorry for Liz now, I have NO idea....) For the record, Liz is actually quite pretty! A drunk would never call her ugly. He might call her a "Beotch" (lord knows I do, even when sober) -- but she would probably have it coming.

As I have told you guys time and again, Liz is married to an orthopedic surgeon. Ergo, she is not ugly -- she is crafty! I have frequently asked if she wanted to trade husbands with me, but then she pointed out that three kids come with Dan, and then the deal didn't sound so great - so then (being the true friend that I am) I offered to simply trade hubby salaries. She said no.

It's really hard to find good friends these days.

Anyway, even despite that, Liz is my BFF and go-to grooming buddy. Back in the day - back when we both lived in the US of A and had access to state of the art grooming facilities staffed by foreigners who usually did not speak English, but could understand my beauty-gesture sign language, we would go get something done almost every weekend. (Apparently, both of us are descendants of Sasquatch) Obviously, I've always got Carnie side-show freak as an alternate career option should this whole foreign service thing not work out.

HOWEVER, when the hell did you guys get all PC on me?! Where in the blogstitution does it say that I have to be NICE to people.

I cannot work under these conditions!!!

When I told Liz about how you guys were a bunch of bleeding heart pansies (not you Blognut! I would never accuse you of that) she laughed and said that you all would DIE then if you knew about the work-conditions in the office back in DC.

-- I interviewed a young man for a position in the office. The last question I asked him was whether he liked cake and, if so, did he insist on having the corner piece? He answered that he loved cake and always took a corner piece because it has more frosting.

I threw him out of my office.

-- After some hooligans who were already government employees (and therefore could never be fired unless God wrote no less than three memos asking it to be done) cut out four corners of a birthday cake that Liz and I brought into the office and hid them from us.

I made them all sign and witness contracts stating they would never EVER pull that kinda crap in the office again.

-- I told the contract employees that they were technically not considered "people." Therefore, in the event of a fire they were not supposed to clog up the stairwells unless and until all USG Staff employees were safely out of the burning building. I also asked them not to use the restroom on the off chance that I might need to use it. (I don't like others in there with me.)

And, for the record, if you were not aware, contractors make a lot more money than me because they claim to be educated and a "specialist" in something or other -- therefore, I think we can all agree that (much like Canada) they got it coming.

-- I declared 07 April as "Sucking Up to Michel Day." Anyone who didn't suck up to me appropriately would be punished.

-- I named the office's pet fish "deputy chief." I put him in charge when I was out, rather than one of the aforementioned hooligans who took the corner piece of cake.

Now, I think I have adequately illustrated that my last post where you thought I was insulting Liz was really no insult at all. You should save your pity for the unfortunate people who have to work directly with me on a daily basis.

I suspect they have started some sort of support group and you can probably donate to it via the Combined Federal Campaign.


22 comments:

darsden said...

LMAO!!!

♥ Braja said...

I know you're not talkin' to me. I hate that PC shit. No wonder you left the US, where it was BORN....

Yeah. See that? TOTALLY un-PC. So freakin' sue me.

Didja getcha Michel's pic?

AmyK said...

Boy, do I feel your "misunderstanding". I had posted that once you've divorced or broken up wit a scumbag, it's embaressing that people know you slept with them!! It was a joke among friends and then I got a sympathy comment telling me to let go of the past... It was a joke people.

rubbish said...

Do Presidents make goldfish their deputys? Would explain why Al Gore lasted so long under Clinton. Obviously was "bubbles" running the Country whilst Bill was otherwise engaged with Monica.

Gaston Studio said...

Dar and I are both LOAO, collectively.

So, really what you're saying is that we blog readers of yours JUST AREN'T LISTENING/READING!

blognut said...

Glad to have been excluded from the 'bleeding heart pansies' comment, 'cause that is SO not me.

It's SO not YOU either.

Also, when I first read that, I thought it said penises. I really gotta get my mind out of the gutter. Nobody likes a bleeding heart penis.

Ok then, I'll get my own coat and leave now.

Alisha said...

LOL! That was great!

Middle Aged Woman said...

I was afraid this would happen. You simply do not realize how cruel you are. It is time for the foreign service to ship your ass to some really awful, terrible foreign country like...I don't know...Hawaii, or something.

Hit 40 said...

Of course contractors get paid more...

they work for a private company that does not have to directly report their salaries to the public. I wonder if you and Josh could switch to being a contractor?? This would be awesome!!! If you know Cheney, I am sure that he could get you a job with Halliburton doing a little water boarding??

Pastor Sharon said...

I am laughing so hard here! Looks like you have one heck of a chip on your shoulder. . . . and when I squint, it looks like a LARGE corner piece of CAKE! OMGosh that was funny!
You tell it like it is, Darlin! WE love that about you!

Comedy Goddess said...

Nobody does it better! Makes me feel sad for the rest. Nobody does it quite the way you do. Baby, you're the best!

otin said...

I cannot imagine why anyone could think that you would be insulting or critical of anything!? You are like a ray of sunshine! HAHAHAHA!!!!

Beth said...

Oh, I'm sorry. We're you saying something?

Beth said...

Do you like the corner pieces of brownies, too? If so, we might fight one day.

Jaime said...

forget the PC stuff. it's more fun saying whatever you want. and if you actually manage to offend someone, good for you! ;)

Amy said...

Ya know, I've been known to get in a little trouble because of my words. Mostly because people NEVER have to wonder what I'm thinking. I will just flat out tell ya. That's what I like about you!! Someone who would probably understand me.

OH!!! There is something for you over at my place!!! YOU MUST CHECK IT OUT!!! Then I suggest you close all your window, blinds, and lock the door. People are gonna be lookin' for you, sista!

tera said...

"bleeding..." hahaha! "heart..." ooh hahaha! "penises..." snort, snicker, hahaha!

Oh sorry! (wipes eyes) Now I have to catch my breath and go back and finish reading the rest of the comments!

A Mom on Spin said...

Nothing gets in between me and my icing.

Just sayin. . .

Suzy said...

When I was on usenet back in the mid 90's one of the first things I noticed was that if you wrote The sky is blue, 2 million people would comment that the sky was red and what was wrong with me?

In my own defense, sometimes people's posts are too long or I've got 250 left to read so I skim. Like the milk.

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