Sunday, September 13, 2009

Dear Starbucks,

I know you don't know me - well, maybe you might recall that I was in your store approximately 2,432 times over the course of my stay in the WDC area, demanding random things (and for the record those dark chocolate almonds dusted with sea salt ROCK. Well done my friends!!) However, that is not the purpose of my letter.

I am writing you a letter on behalf of my friend Blognut. She was recently the victim of identity theft. (I KNOW, scary right?! You can totally sympathize, right??) Imagine her horror when she realizes that someone masquerading as her wrote you a letter telling you that she wanted to break up for some silly, nonsensical reason. I wanted to ensure that you understood that she is the victim in this case, none of that was true, and she has since taken legal action to rectify her loss of identity.

She is horrified that you may have thought that it really was her who broke up with you guys and that she would do so for such a silly, petty, reason. I mean, its not like you DISCONTINUED the pumpkin spice latte or those fabulous frosted holiday sugar cookies you make (because that, my friends, would mean war). No, the letter was obviously fraudulent.

In the interim, I just wanted to send you a letter to ensure that you didn't happen to take offense at any of the silly statements in that letter, and if you did, to know that it was NOT in fact Blognut. I know that a kind and environmentally responsible company such as yourself would never deny Blognut the Pumpkin Spice Latte or other tasty holiday beverages. Of course not! That would be petty and small minded.

Starbucks you're just better than that.

Therefore, I would appreciate it if you could remove her photo from your barista's most hated list of those who should not be served, and allow her to return to your stores. In times like this, when someone has clearly been a victim to a crime, we should all bond together and build strong support networks.

As I know you will undoubtedly feel very bad for her plight, I just know that she would be amazed and humbled if you not only allowed her to return to your stores, but also gave her a free Grande Pumpkin Spice Latte (not the non-fat one, I'm sorry to tell you this, but that is NOT GOOD! Apparently, the fat is a necessary ingredient. Please make a note of that for my future ordering because I may be on one of my "kicks" where I think I will be healthy and want to lose weight - that's ridiculous. I'll just be miserable and take it out on your store. It's safer for all around if you just nod and give me the real deal....)

Your most loyal customer,
Michel

PS I, too, would appreciate a pumpkin spice latte. Please open a starbucks in the US Embassy in Khartoum -- well, I'd wait until the new Embassy they are building is finished. The old one smells funny. It would be hard to work under those conditions. I assume, however, that you will send out someone from Seattle to make my coffee until such time as you can open your store in the new Embassy???

18 comments:

♥ Braja said...

Dear Starbucks,
Please ignore all correspondence from those who think that drinking at Starbucks means that they know what coffee is.
Sincerely,
Real Coffee Lover

mo.stoneskin said...

Dear Starbucks,
Please ignore the above letter, both Blognut and Michel have been subject to identity fraud, neither a) wrote to you or b) defended the other. In actual fact this is all an elaborate scheme instigated by Braja.

♥ Braja said...

It's true: I'm simply trying to reestablish culture, taste, and finesse. Starbucks is outta the picture....

Beth said...

We don't even have a Starbucks in Podunk, GA. I guess it is kinda like living in the Embassy. Except it doesn't smell bad (unless you are by the papermill and that is worse than a skunk stink).

blognut said...

Oh, Michel! You are the best! Thank you for helping me fix this problem with Starbucks. No one should make rash decisions against Starbucks during Pumpkin Spice Latte season... no one!

And Braja? Are you being one of those uppity decaf coffee lovers again? Don't forget that I have certain knowledge of you sitting in a Starbucks at the airport not that long ago. They're sending me the security tapes.

blognut said...

Also, Braja? I KNOW Starbucks isn't coffee in the same way that your swiss water rinsed coffee nuts are coffee, (is that what you said?), but it's what I gots, and I have to make do with it. And? You might even think it was yummy if you didn't try to think of it as coffee.

Give it a try, dear. I heart Starbucks and I only want you to be happy, my friend.

♥ Braja said...

Blognut, honey, I can't take caffeine...that's how this whole thing started. I'm not really a coffee snob :)) I am slightly OCD and can't stand anyone else making my coffee though, unless they know what they're doing. Does Starbucks? Well, I know that time in China when I saw the green Starbucks sign from the distance, it was like a vision of God Himself. Kinda.

But it's still gotta be decaf....can't help it, caffeine gives me headaches that last for 3 days, even if I have it once. I just tell people it's because I'm so damned pure my body can't take toxins. Some people have the nerve to believe me....

And you should try my Swiss water process for decaffeinating the (organic free trade) coffee beans: it'll knock your caffeine problem on it's head, honey :)

Mango Girl said...

We are fortunate enough to have a Starbucks directly across the street from another Starbucks where I live. Guess we have some caffeine junkies?

Me personally? I'm with Braja; I can't take the caffeine...I will FLY off the walls faster than normal, plus it makes my hands shake.

tera said...

I'm lucky that I live in Spokane, where there are something like 372 coffee stands. (Seriously. No, really, I'm not kidding! They are everywhere!) And at least half of them have very fine coffee. (The one I visit regularly even has mine made by the time I get to the window. Does that make me a junky?)

So what this really means is that I never (ever!) have to go to Starbucks. But, you know, when that's all we had, I went there too.

Michel, seriously, you needs to get back here. Get some real coffee, some Krispy Kreme, and a whole pitcher of Bakon martini's all your very own!

Captain Dumbass said...

Dear Starbucks, after I drop youngest off at pre-school this afternoon I'm going to buy my first pumpkin spice latte of the year.

I'll think of Michel as I drink it.

I may or may not giggle.

Medora said...

Pumpkin Spice Lattes gross me out. Just the idea . . . yuck.

When I went to Seattle for the ALA conference a couple of years ago, all I saw was Starbucks. On each block. It was disturbing.

A Mom on Spin said...

I forgot all about pumpkin spice latte season!

What was I thinking?

CarrieAnn said...

I work exactly fifty-two steps from a Starbucks. And you are correct: the nonfat Pumpkin Spice Latte tastes nothing like the real thing. And don't let them fool you with the light frappucino either. I don't know who they think they are kidding...

She said...

You're hilarious!

I ALSO love pumpkin spice lattes, and when I was at Blognut Manor a few weeks ago, she introduced me to the cinnamon dolce latte, and it was yummy too!

;-)

Optimistic Pessimist said...

would you believe me if i told you i haven't been to a starbucks in over a year? I'm just not crazy about it. I like the coffee my barista at work makes. She makes it with way more love than some stone cold bitch at starbucks.

Gaston Studio said...

There you are in dreaded Sudan and making me jealous because we don't have a Starbucks in Podunk NC (touche, Beth!) and I love the pumpkin spice latte!

Anonymous said...

Starbucks, hmmmm.....you know We could go into business together. Do you think if we build it they would come there? Michel you you drink there every day to make worth it?

Also stone cold bitch at starbucks? Where I live most of the barista's are gay men!!!

tera said...

"Opti-Pessi" has a barista at work???!!! I wanna work there!!