Sunday, September 6, 2009

SWEET, SWEET VINDICATION

Okay, so remember how I have continually been telling you how I am sweet, innocent, and simply misunderstood since I started this blog - and (frankly) how I have been wronged on so many levels and yet I just persevere through my everyday life? How I give and I give and I give and all you guys ever do is take, take, take?? Remember that?

Well...yesterday was my Grandpa's 100th birthday party -- and yesterday my name was cleared of a hideous crime for which I was not responsible!!! Yesterday, the truth came to light (and I missed it)!! Oh, how I wish I could have been there so that I could walk up to my parents and say, "What now smarties?!!?! Feel kinda child-abusey don't cha?"

I must admit that I was kinda bummed that I would miss it (not really because grandpa was 100 - I totally visited him like 2 times when I was back in the states -- in old people world, that's like 14 mos of visiting -- but because I have so many opinions to pass onto my family. Many are raising kids without the benefit of my child-rearing assistance. I am sure they would have appreciated my advice...), but then I received the email where we were told we had to pick up our color-coded shirt so that Grandpa could tell to which kid of his you belonged (we're a catholic family). There were literally hundreds of people there (to put it into perspective, I have 33 first cousins).

Ergo, there would be a bunch o'people I never met and then I would have been forced to explain - I'm Rod's kid - and the old ones would think I'm my mom and then it is just awkward when they ask if I am still dating that one guy from Wilbur and I have to explain that I am that one guy's daughter. Although, I must admit it IS fun to say that I'm that one guy's love child -- that nobody knew about until today...it's a family scandal! They're old...they totally would believe that shit.

Good times...

ANYWAY, today my cousin David cleared his conscience! He admitted to framing myself, my sister Mel (who frankly was a co-conspirator, but I'm willing to let it rest -- for now), and my cousin Doug! Wanna know how?? Okay, here you go:

It was circa 1977, my grandparents had installed a fancy new all glass shower and they were very proud of it. They invited mom, dad and aunt Dorothy and uncle Darrell to see it. Unfortunately (for my grandparents) they toted their kids along for the visit. Doug and I were about the same age - as were Mel and David, only older . Mel and David used to pick on Doug and I mercilessly. Doug and I were saints. We would sit quietly and color until my parents came back to get us. That's just how good we were. I do believe if the sunlight hit us just right, you could see our little halos.

One day, as Doug and I innocently colored our pictures to give to our parents, illustrating how much we loved them by drawing a mural of our families, Mel and David came running into the room and told us that we were needed in the newly remodeled bathroom! Doug and I protested that we were only going to sit here quietly and color until our parents were done visiting. But they would not let it rest! They FORCED US (at gunpoint I believe) to go with them to the bathroom.

Once we were there, they locked Doug and I in the shower, holding it closed from the outside. Doug and I only wanted to get out - but Mel and David (as they laughed manically) wouldn't budge! Then, David (unprovoked) threw himself at the door and totally broke that shit.

David (seeing the writing on the wall) then ran into the front room and threw the three of us under the bus. He told our parents that we were goofing around and that he had told us to stop, but we didn't listen to him and then we broke the shower door.

The three of us were spanked. David looked on with his Damien like stare....

Fast forward to September 2009, and David finally comes clean. That he was the one who actually broke the shower door. Although he still claims that we were also involved, he tried to pretend like he was the better kid by fessing up to his involvement.

Well David, we have your confession on tape!!! My sister Mel sent me a copy. I have already contacted my lawyer (I met her on the internet, she has a great blog) I am already looking for how to sue you for punitive damages for wrongful spanking or, perhaps, childhood trauma-induced post traumatic stress disorder --as I'm sure I have both of those. I'm also suing you, mom and dad - for wrongful punishment and slander.

Now I might be talked out of filing my lawsuit if, say, a box of snacks and maybe some pedicure products arrived at my house within 30 days. I'm just saying, a bouquet of pedicure products goes a long way toward healing childhood trauma. FYI, I prefer a deep-hydrating foot masque.

And for the record, I can totally fake all kinds of trauma! I was in Iraq during the war. Therefore, don't try to buy me off with any of that Walmart pedicure product. I won't accept anything less than Aveda! It's 30 years of trauma!! I have a whole shitload of highschool angst I can blame on you.

I think we can all learn a valuable lesson from this....NEVER, EVER admit to shit on videotape. There is always one jackass in the family who will hold it against you.

Well David, Meet Jackass!

16 comments:

Mango Girl said...

THANK GOD! Freedom for you from crimes you didn't commit! This is better than an episode of NCIS! I hated being blamed for things I didn't do when I was a kid. I was to scared to lie. I always fessed up...didn't want my ass beat with the black paddle.

HAPPY 100th!!!!! Grandpa! What a milestone...

darsden said...

LMAO

let it gooooo time to move on now that you have been validated! let it gooooo

still

LMAO

lakeviewer said...

Oh, I loved the color-coded shirt to trace the family tree. I loved the story about the shower door being broken and you and your sister being blamed, and decades later....

I'm sure there are more of these gems in your family tales.

Anonymous said...

For the sake of planned legal proceedings: The question the old people asked was: "Are you still dating that guy from ALMIRA!?" Try to remember: Mom is from WILBUR,' Dad is from ALMIRA!

otin said...

100 years with you! Thats like 700 years in normal person! hahahahaha! You know I love you :) I think that David should get life and have to pay you compensation for mental abuse

HAPPY BIRTHDAY GRANDPA!!!!

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Beth said...

Well played, my friend, well played. When you get the huge settlement, will you have enough to open up a Cheesecake Factory in Africa? Just wondering.

blognut said...

I always knew you were innocent. They tried to tell me that you had done the crime, but I said, "No way, Baby! Michel would never do anything like that."

So... let it be known that I totally have your back. And? If you sue your whole family and get totally rich, I will looking my cut.

blognut said...

Or, if I weren't a complete moron, I would have said "I will be looking FOR my cut."

I hate it when I'm a moron.

Smart Mouth Broad said...

Throw the book at him, Michel.

Suburban Correspondent said...

Wow - and you didn't even need any DNA evidence to exonerate yourself...

♥ Braja said...

If I wasn't confused before I am now....

But innocent? Oh baby yeah, I'm behind you....
xo

rickee said...

really wonderful..thanks for sharing wid world

Esmerelda said...

I'm still waiting to be vindicated - my little bro's friend Shaun totally carved MY NAME into my parents antique cabinet.

That was in 1983, maybe I have 5 more years to go?

Anonymous said...

halos are you sure about that, or was it something stuck on your horns?
No wonder you are so damn mean at times the trauma you went though as a child.
Just one question, how many things did you frame them for?

Hit 40 said...

And ...

your grandparents still invited you back?? WTF is the problem with my parents. They never have had anything broken by my boys. The 2 kids can just be annoying as hell....

ok. I guess annoying can trump destructive. Tough call???