Sunday, May 3, 2009

Well, I Am Going to Have to Move

I've considered all my options. I see no other way out. I am going to have to move, change my name, cut my hair (probably dye it red or blonde) and maybe have 2 inches surgically removed from my femurs. It is obviously, my only option....

My humiliation is that great.

So this past weekend I was shamlessly lured to a small house party at an Ex-Pat's with the promise of real (non-frozen) cheese and homemade bread. (I mean, it wasn't cake, but it WAS cheese....could you imagine?!) And as I don't know my way around Khartoum well enough to figure out where to turn in front of the Large mis-spelled pizza sign and then wind around behind the mosque until you get to the goat pen with the dog that sleeps in the middle -- I had to follow someone to the location. (Because (a) as you guys know if the cheese/bread selection was not suitable I was TOTALLY going to be out of there; and/or (b) if people started talking politics or math, I needed to be able to get out of there pronto before the boredom overtook me!!)

My first indication there was a problem: we literally drove for over an hour to this place, we crossed a BRIDGE (which means you are officially out of Khartoum proper and are likely in either Khartoum North and/or Omdurman (neither of which I can drive around by myself!) and we took a BUNCH of random turns through a mud-hut filled village (with no street signs). Frankly, I'm not sure how we ever got there in the first place, and upon arrival - I think it might not be the original location we were headed to anyway because from my optic - THAT DID NOT LOOK LIKE CHEESE!!!

So I was pretty much trapped. There was no way I could find my way home - and I was forced to wait until the original person I followed was ready to leave. Well, GUESS WHAT!?

He wasn't ready to leave. EVER...

So I'm sitting around - and actually had a pretty nice time. The house (even though it was surrounded by mud huts, was really nice, had a great view of the Nile...and they were serving Gin and Tonics -- for a bit there, I was in heaven. And then I was immediately thrown into hell. Why, you ask??

Because I had to use the restroom.

The owner of the house took me upstairs to the master bedroom (so I could have privacy - which at first I thought was really nice and thoughtful....) It seemed all modern!! It had a huge soaking tub and a walk-in shower -- and all kinds of perfumes all over the plalce. Naturally, I tried a few of them and stunk myself up just a bit. (Note to self, do not spray men's cologne DIRECTLY ON YOU when you want to smell it. Sometimes that is actually not a good idea....)

So I'm smelling the place up before I even sit down.

And for the record - before we move on - it was NUMBER ONE! So I decide that I better get the hell out of there before I ruin something else. So I finish my time in there and turn to grab some toilet paper.

There is no toilet paper - only what appears to be the sink sprayer hose thing that we keep by the kitchen sink (remember that? back in the 70s, before our faucet became the sprayer, you had a separate little garden hose?? ) Well, that is apparently what passes for TP in Sudan.

So I try to remain calm and figure this out...so I could potentially make a little mess...right? What could possibly go wrong!??

I sprayed it all over my pants.

So now I'm in a panic! My pants look like I had a major accident, I smell like a teenaged boy back in the 80s, doused with POLO, and there is water all over the floor because the hose sprayer thing LEAKED like a MO-FO when I went to turned it on. It was like when you turn on the garden hose and it is not on there correctly, and it sprays all out the sides --

OMG! I was DYING!

What the hell was I going to do?!!?! ....So I figured, it's Sudan...shit dries here so quickly...i'll just wait it out...I'll just flush and then kind of look around the bathroom for a bit -- maybe try some of that women's cologne....

THERE WAS NO GOD DAMN FLUSHER ON THE TOILET!

I searched EVERYWHERE!! NOTHING! Nada! MOTHER F'IN NOTHING! There were all kinds of knob like things coming out of the wall (and now I'm killing myself for loaning stupid Paul my camera this weekend, because I clearly need photographic proof so you can understand my dilemma) I pushed them, I turned them (sprayed more water on my pants and now shirt and hair as well -- and then was feeling along the wall for some sort of flat secret panel like they have in the hotels in the middle east.

NOTHING.

So WTF was I supposed to do!?!? I can't just leave it! There was no plausible deniabilty!! I was the token white chick who (because they frequently treat me like a bear in a zoo) was given special treatment and went to the bathroom that NOBODY else used.

So I did what any normal sane person (in a total panic would do). I used the giant sea shell that was on top of the toilet!!

I lifted the top off of the back of the toilet and pulled that chain thingey that the flusher is SUPPOSED to be hooked to, and did a manual flush (my God!! I'm like a plumber here!!!) I filled that sea shell up with water approximately 52 times from the faucet and filled that tank thingey back up. However, the shell was not hermetically sealed for safety and I ended up with even MORE water on the floor...so now the stupid rug was wet in front of the sink and the floor looked like it was monsoon season!

So I used their bath towel to wipe up the mess.

And then I wiped off my hands, smoothed out my hair that was all wet, tried to straighten my clothes that had semi-dried into a wrinkled mess and lovingly hung up that towel back on the rack as if nothing had happened.

I lingered upstairs for as long as I could before I thought someone would feel obligated to seek me out to see if I needed assistance and then cool and calm...I strolled back into the party and said, "What did I miss?!"

Everyone just stared at me once again. But this time with a puzzled look...wondering where the hell I went for the last 40 minutes and why was my hair wet and disheveled.

Worst part about this whole story...NOBODY ASKED ME!!! They just continued to stare in silence.

I suspect I will not be invited back.

29 comments:

Mrs. K said...

i'm at a loss for words

darsden said...

rotflmfao...hang on...baaahahahahahahaha okay nope rolling histerical on the floor...okay, nope bahahbhahbhahbabhabhbbaha OMG you are such a girl! LOL OMG yup you ain't ever getting cheese again...this is some funny chit and I use that loosly glad you didn't have to do that!

Fragrant Liar said...

Um, are you representing America?

otin said...

HAHA! I feel like I just watched I Love Lucy! LOL I thought that only I could have things like that happen.

Michel said...

Mrs. K: I KNOW! It was HORRIFIC - and yet everyone I have told has rolled around laughing...but my god. It was HORRID!

Darsden: could you imagine!? I am sooo thankful it was only #1, I would have jumped out the window naked if need be to escape THAT particular horror.

Fragrant: yes. I TOLD YOU I PLANNED TO MOVE. This is not MY fault!! WHO THE HELL HIRED ME!?

Otin: It SOUNDS all I love lucy, but I was seriously so humiliated I wanted to die. I had to sit there for another hour or so before the stupid guy I followed wanted to leave - SHE DOESN'T LIKE YOU JACKASS! let's go!

Pseudonymous High School Teacher said...

Did you ever see the Friends episode where Ross used the bathroom and could not get his leather pants back on? I thought that was pretty funny, bu tyou just topped it.

Beth said...

Holy crapper! First, I'm impressed with your plumbing abilities. Second, you have done an excellent job of selling me on some other place for a vacation.

I need to go run scratch Sudan off my list of possibilities.

Michel said...

Pseudo: YES! I did..and that was what I kept thinking about when I was searching for the flusher - that the owner was going to walk in and see me with wet pants and hair and a non-flushed toilet. NOW it's funny....not so much at the time.

Michel said...

Beth, Sudan is not on your vacay list - it is on your list of places to hide out when you turn to a life of crime! However, on second thought...we don't really BLEND all that well...they'll spot us the minute we try to use the facilities.

Cross it off that list too!

Gaston Studio said...

ROFLMAO, that was better than an I Love Lucy episode!!!! I can just see you in my mind's little eye, searching around for a tpaper and a flusher!!! LMAO again.

What is the nationality of this expat because if they were Italian, you'll be forgiven; if they were French, you might be forgiven but only after they dine out on that story for several weeks; if they were English, forget it because they think we're all uncivilized anyway; if they were German, you'll never be forgiven and could possibly be sued for damages as well as perfume replacement; if they were Arab, move!

Jersey Girl said...

First time visitor to your blog, so I don't feel I have the right to laugh at you (yeah, right). My eyes are tearing up, laughing so hard!

Hit 40 said...

Michel,

I would like to think your making this story up. But... I don't think so. Did you learn nothing from the awful chocolate cake???

As you saw on today's post, I also never learn. I need to just stay hidden. I always think maybe it will be ok!!!#$ NO!!!

Smelly and wet? I imagine the home owner was wondering what you did with all of his fancy bath toys :-) LMAO!!!!!

Hit 40 said...

Oh... And I left you a crude comment back on Darsdens blog. I can't let your escape my random immature thoughts.

smile steady said...

hahaha! Sorry to laugh, but in a couple of months you'll think it's pretty hilarious, too! I will definitely be back to hear more of your out of place American stories!

blognut said...

Someday I will blog about the reason why I am SO EFFING CAREFUL to make sure there is toilet paper before I use the bathroom. So traumatized was I, I'm even careful to keep a tissue or two in my pocket when I go out.

bernthis said...

I'm moving to Sudan. Clearly, you're never bored and will never ever ever run out of material. Now, all I have to figure out is how to get my dentist and all my doctors oh and my local hospital and my hairdresser to move with me

Me said...

Between the blog post and the comments I may never stop laughing. I need to learn not to be drinking anything when I read your blog. I spit tea all over my keyboard...again!

tera said...

You have no idea how much I admire you for sharing your humiliation for sake of our edification!

lisa said...

My god, you're a one women show. Encore, please.

kwr221 said...

OMG, I'm going to pee in my bed reading this!

And Jessica - if you move, don't forget your waxer. ;-)

Smart Mouth Broad said...

OMG! This was HILARIOUS. I made my whole family read it. It really does play like an I love Lucy episode. Spot on, Jane! Just keep laughing, Michel.

Extranjera said...

Well, you know, I would say they kind of deserved it. What with the false promises of cheese and all. I hear you sistah. Never lure a woman with cheese. It's just rude.

Dedene said...

Bwahhh! I'm splitting a gut here. You are too funny. You might have caused an international incident.

Together We Save said...

This is too funny. Congrats on your award BTW.

Kathy B! said...

So, you must get a picture of these wall buttons (from another place of course, because clearly you won't be returning there!) after I was able to sit upright (I was doubled-over laughing for a minute) I became obsessed with this non-flush conundrum!

Michel said...

UPDATE: After a long humiliating day at work (because SOMEONE told people that I have this blog - PAUL) I have been informed that there is apparently a BUCKET to be used to flush. (the sea shell, as it turns out, is just for decoration.)

So let me get this straight - you have a SOAKING TUB with JACUZZI and a double shower and you use a BUCKET to flush?

That can NOT be right! CAN IT?

marathoner81 said...

I'm sorry...I know you were mortified, but because it didn't happen to me...it's hysterical! That's kind of odd about using a bucket to flush...hmmm!

Char said...

That is the funniest post I have EVER read, I cannot stop laughing. For a second, I thought you were going to say you either peed in, or wiped with, the shell! Reading your blog is sheer entertainment.

amy said...

hilarious. freaking hilarious.

and yeah, moving is probably the answer on this one. :)