Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Six Reasons Why....

Jane at Gaston Studio is once again making me do homework! You know, I feel all kinds of pressure these days! Pressure to "listen" to my husband, to keep up on my blog, to succeed on my quest to be the greatest commenter of all time and, frankly, from my other passion - ruining other peoples' lives whom I believe may have wronged me in some way shape, or form -- soooo, my point is... I gotta lot goin' on here! Therefore, I ask you, when does this leave time for me true "work" here???!

So the lesson I take away from this is that clearly Jane is trying to sabotage US/Sudanese relations. Coincidence?? I think not!

Exhibit A: Jane spent time in Bahrain and Egypt - yet she CLAIMS she is American. I submit to you, HOW could an American lady - all cute and Julie from the love boat looking - run around the middle east without being accosted by Iran (for calling people Ayatollah when she wanted to turn left) or Asbestos? HOW COULD THIS BE?! It is UNPOSSIBLE.

Exhibit B: Jane mailed me a box full of brownie mixes (which I LOVE, FYI) and now I'm all distracted yet again, and am actively considering calling in sick with mesopotamia (which I believe is the precurser to mesotheliomia) so that I can sit on the computer, spout my nonsense here and on your blogs, and proceed to eat an entire pan of brownies. Why is this her fault you ask?? BECAUSE it is well-known that I am pretty much a cake/brownie-ho. Everybody knwos this - SHE is simply trying to exploit this weakness.

Well played my friend...well played.

Anyway, Jane wants me to list 6 things that make me "happy" and then make some others do the same. Well JANE, you are NOT the boss of me!! I will list your six things - but I'm not going to tell anyone to do the same unless they feel like it. I will not be a part of the conspiracy!!!

SO, here goes:

(1) I am happy that YOUR congressmen all choose major holiday weekends to travel to foreign countries so that they don't miss any important bills or debates in Congress. I am also equally happy that this ensures that I also will not miss any of those important bills or debates in Congress....(I'll just miss any semblance of a weekend and/or holiday.)

(2) I am happy that a kajillion pictures were taken of me during this visit, and not one damn one of them was from the waist up! Don't the Sudanese photographers KNOW that the camera adds 10 pounds and that when presented with an entire pan of brownies as a dinner option, any American will choose to finish said brownies rather than making a dinner and THEREFORE the photographer should KNOW that they should NOT be taking full body pictures?!

(3) I am happy that I can finally sue the USG. In addition, after I buy the State of Colorado with my settlement money maybe, just maybe, if you're very nice to me and leave all suckey-uppey comments I might let you visit some of my ski resorts and my country home I like to call Denver.

(4) I am happy that Loudoun county pretty much forced me to write them three emails -- the last one ranting (I KNOW! ME??? Shocking!) -- so that I could have the PLEASURE of paying my property taxes on a house in which we do not currently live (Do you like how I restructed that sentence so that it did not end in a preposition?? I'm telling you, that was not easy!) I am also equally happy that they were all snotty to the person who was TRYING to pay her taxes on time. (I'm totally going to litter the next time I get back in the states in Loudoun County. Just try to stop me!)

(5) I am happy that I have now bought the same pair of shoes three times because I forgot I already ordered them and then I would go online and see them again and think they were adorable and that I had to have them so I would order them again....but they're SERIOUSLY cute shoes. Luckily for me, Sudan has shoe melting technology coating their streets and parking lots, so I will probably wear through those extra two pairs of shoes before Josh arrives (and therefore he will never be the wiser).

(6) I am happy -- oh, who I am kidding?!?! Today!? I'm frankly NOT HAPPY!

And now you aren't either! HA! And there is NOTHING you can do about it....

Welcome to my world bitches!

19 comments:

Hit 40 said...

Oh Michel... this is just the asbestos talking. Or, maybe the poop ear? Or, could it be the 118 degree heat? Or, ...

I guess you can be a bitch. Nothing too sunny to say about Sudan. Except that they like big butts and gray hair!!!

lakeviewer said...

Yeah for the brownies. You are definetely redefining unimportant stuff.

marathoner81 said...

I kind of thought I was having a good day until I read your post and realized I am not having a good day. Thanks for for letting me know. It's kind of like those TBS commerical where people call and ask if something is funny.

darsden said...

uhmmm Michel it was supposed to be about WHAT you are happy about...dammit you just don't play fair..! You never follow the rules all you dooooo is whine and bitch and moan...MAN somebody give her an enema...she needs it bad. It might help your poop ear and blow it out too.

otin said...

Mesopotamia? Lmao! If the pipes are old, they actually could have asbestos in them too, often old water mains were made of asbestos concrete, but the lungs will probably go first, so no worries!

Comedy Goddess said...

I'm so glad to hear you counting your blessings!

Beth said...

You gots the mesopotamia? Is there even a cure?

I was a little concerned about this assignment for you as I know you have very little reason in which to be happy (Ha! I reworded for the preprosition, just like you!).

tera said...

Um, yah...you previously mentioned that the Sudanese like their women a little "fluffier" than the norm, so I'm thinking you got off easy since they didn't ask you to eat more brownies before taking your pix.
Hmm?

Try not to worry about the mesoptoamia...I'm sure it's...nothing...really.

Fragrant Liar said...

Mesopotamia? I think you've got that backwards, my Sudanese Spherewolf. As a medical practically expert, I am certain it's Aimatoposem. Just stick your tongue out and look in the mirror, and you will see it.

I think I have it too, actually . . .

Hit 40 said...

Bad Otin!!! He does know his pipes!!

Hit 40 said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Hit 40 said...

Ok... it is 4:43 AM in Sudan right now. The weather says it is 79 clear and pleasantly warm. Only a high of 107 for you today with winds around 8 mph. Take a sweater for work.

Cheer up it is warming up for Sunday 111 degrees!!

In Dublin, OH - it is 71 degrees and raining :-) Oh.. and 9:42 pm.

minoyw said...

I'm quite sure you (my fans) have all been missing me. I have so much to saved up to say (There's my sensuous description of "the great chocolate covered bacon experiment in Tampa" from a couple weekends ago), and I have many pictures to post (coincidentally also bacon related). So, bitches...someone pls send me directions on posting my pictures onto Michel's blog which frankly is missing a certain je ne sais quoi, no? Separately, FYI - Liz delivered to my desk this morning a generous slice of booze cake, and I didn't even threaten or pay her to do so. It was most delicious and kind, and therefore somewhat unsettling. Naturally, I suspected it was sabotaged, and expected anal leakage to kick in within the hour...but no, I was fine. (If anyone thinks I will be deterred by a little anal leakage, they've got another thing coming. Bring it!!!) At any rate, I probably won't be able to sleep tonight...trying to decipher Liz' impromptu act of kindness. Just because I'm paranoid does not mean that Liz isN'T trying to hose me!!! OK, seriously....how do I load my pics into this thing???!?!!?

Gaston Studio said...

Oh God, I think you're on a sugar high!!

SuburbanCorrespondent said...

You're scaring me...

kwr221 said...

Can we please see apic of those cute shoes? :-)

blognut said...

I'm thinking that the cure for mesopotamia is to put Fragrant Liar's bra on your head. It worked for her, didn't it?

Smart Mouth Broad said...

And I thought I was the only one who bought things 2 and three times because they didn't remember buying it in the first place.

Kathy B! said...

I think this blog post is the direct result of consuming said pan of brownies in one sitting sugar buzz -- sugar crash...

At least you'll have cute shoes as you drudge through your over-heated life!