Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Port Sudan - Ghetto Fabutastic!

Okay, so as you guys may have already guessed because you seem to be very bright people (and not only because you choose to read THIS (obviously superior) blog), there was no internet in Port Sudan. There was also, apparently, not a lot of sanitary stuff going on in Port Sudan. I pretty much went camping for the last five days. Camping in a what claimed to be a four "star" hotel. I assume by Star, they mean minutes of running water you get per day... However, all told.... I had the BEST TIME EVER!



I KNOW!!! I am sure nobody saw that one coming!!


First of all, I got to travel with Christina! She allegedly speaks Arabic, but I'm guessing her arabic is also in quotes on her resume, because the Sudanese pretty much had no idea what we were talking about - and there was a lot of "OOH! Ho-TEL" going on....Eventually, the Sudanese gave up and either spoke English or walked away (either one worked fine for me).




Best part: The Sudanese told Christine that she had Gray hair! hahahaha! She tried to teach them "Blonde" but they would just say...yes, GRAY. (I gotta admit, I loved this part of the trip most of all...TAKE THAT CUTE BLONDE! SUCKAH!) I had to move approximately 10,000 miles away to find the one country that loves fatties and doesn't treasure blondes. If only they also treasured sanitation and cutlery.....


Okay, so that was Christina and I on the bus on our way from the airport. Right before we started our whirlwind tour of Port Sudan - although one might assume Port Sudan would be totally cosmopolitan because Jaques Cousteau was there way back in the day and made it totally famous on his show that came on before the Lawerence Welk Show that we all suffered through while we waited for the Muppet Show to come on...it should be noted, however, that one would be wrong. One should also probably consider that sanctions might impact one's vacation amenities as well....





These were two kids who happened to be standing on the street . I assumed the Sudanese hired them for photo ops for us because they pretty much assumed Josh's favorite photo op pose where he goes all gansta on the camera.... Apparently, boys are born knowing the "What up Bitches!" pose in every culture.....








This was down by the beachfront area - I'm not sure what they're totin, but it looked all NatGeo and I had to take a pic of it.






This is what our pool looked like at the hotel. Christina and I tried to go out there when we had some free time, but it was too Alfred Hitchcockey - those pigeons are kinds like the Africa flies - they are NOT afraid of people. You walk up to them they fly all up in your face. I gotta admit. I ran. I ran like a little girl.


F'in birds. I knew I hated them.







So then we headed down to Suakin (an old port city) and I made the driver stop because there were these doot doot camels by the side of the road - so we go running out of the bus to "pet" the animals while the Sudanese stayed in the bus .... and then we figured out why. Turns out, (and this may come as a shock to many of you) camels that are not being ridden by someone are not friendly. Write that down in case you come upon some doot doot baby camels and decide to run up and pet them. I'm doing you all a service here. Camels, although they look all doot doot and fluffy, in reality = scary shit!!


Once again, I have relearned the most valuable lesson: DO NOT ATTEMPT TO TOUCH NATURE OR LET NATURE TOUCH YOU.





This was someone's fishing boat. Although it looks all picturesque and all - it kinda smells like ass. I fully believe that if the Nat Geo Magazines had a scratch-n-sniff option, then world travel would not be so popular. Although, to be fair, as this was pretty much day three - I'm sure I was not smelling like a rose by this time either.





So then I found where most of the smell was coming from - THIS was washed up on the shore - there were actually quite a few of them - not very big, and I don't know why - I assume (of course) it was one of the killing ones like the one that killed Steve Irwin - but I can't prove it. Naturally, I totally searched high and low for a stick so I could poke it ( because that is what you do when you find dead stuff on the beach, you poke it with a stick...DOOY) - but alas, there wasn't one - Stupid Dessert!!! Our Sudanese guide picked up that tail part and wanted me to poke it with that, but SHEEESH! My God man! that's unsanitary!!! However, I was really pissed that I couldn't find a damn stick. How are you supposed to poke at dead stuff if you don't have a stick??


Next time, I will not be unprepared.



This was the old Port City that was constructed completely out of coral from the sea (my dive instructor would be PISSED if he saw that!) and it has been crumbling down for ages. The guide was giving us all the historical info on the place, however, when we got there he told us all about the local legends that the cats that live there are all allegedly possessed by demons and you are not supposed to kick them or mistreat them because you'll get all cursed. So I was totally watching the kitties - and believe me, there were like 700,000 of them....all black and huge (seriously, like a mix of lion and kitty - even the dingos were scared!!! And no, I'm sure they're not really DINGOS per se, but they looked like dingos and they skirted the edges of this place, which only reinforced my assuredness that those were BAD KITTIES) so -- long story short - I didn't pay attention.


I needed to make sure that kitty didn't get me! PLUS, there were all kinds of signs about how you couldn't be there after 7 pm and I was all contemplating about how the kitties eat the tourists if they are there after 7 pm, and then was eyeing the Sudanese guides to see if they were luring us to this place so they could leave us there after 7 pm....You know....normal shit.


So then we flew back last night. While in the airport VIP lounge (God I love being a diplomat in times like this) Christina taught me the word for Hooker in Arabic - So then, like a child who just learned his first swear word and the inlaws show up - I was repeating it multiple times (in what turned out to be a very loud voice) in the lounge and as we got on the plane. However, there were a BUNCH of people who were returning from the Ummrah Hajj who didn't think my grasp of Arabic was appropriate - although, my short sleeved smelly blouse and capri pants probably didn't help either... So we pretty much got the stink eye all the way home.


However, I had a great time, and I've already had the poop ear bitches! I am impervious to your stink eye!


(I did however, shower for approximately 72 minutes when I got home...just to be sure...)

27 comments:

tera said...

I'm so glad you're back!...and that you didn't get eaten by kitties. Or camels. Or dingos.

...are you SURE you had a good time?!

marathoner81 said...

Wow - lots to digest here. Hmm, i like that they don't worship blonds and like chubby girls. You pics are awesome, looks like an amazing trip.

Oh and about the "i defied the blog gods award"...the part that I wrote: you know who you are - I was totally refering to you.

lakeviewer said...

Glad someone tells stories like this one. The one part I loved the most was learning the new words and pissing people off.

Now, since we know how your mind works, and how you aim to pull our legs, I bet you just want us to look at things carefully. No diplomatic vaseline over the the fruit before you take the picture!

p.s. There ought to be a book of yours out soon, right?

darsden said...

OMG you are hilarious!! I miss you so..yes you heard that. Funny funny post...the pool as hot as you were 2 weeks ago you didn't jump in. By the way who's huuuge feet are those..bawhaha
Athough through all the whiny bitching I did pick up you had a wonderful time.
I too found fat paradise in the Turks & Caico they loved alllll of this honey...my sister miss perfect..not so much..YAY my only one revenge but oh soooo worth it. I was beating them off me..LOL Glad your back :-))

Michel said...

Tera: haha! I KNOW. I did have a great time - in hindsight. When we had our "dinners" and there was no silverware and the food was still looking at you - and the goat was eating fish beside you - I wanted to cry - but now, it was a BLAST!

M81: I KNEW IT! haHA! I am kinda let down to have finally found a place I dreamed of all my life - the land of chubby chasers - however, it's not all its cracked up to be! CURSES!

Lakeviewer: If you haven't guessed by now, I'm seriously not sure why I was chosen as a diplomat; however, I am sure that I am probably a large part of the reason everyone hates americans. I'm very sorry for that.

PS I've been asking Liz what is the status of my book for AGES now. She's just lazy and won't write it and let me take credit for it. SELFISH!

Michel said...

Darsden! WHAT TOOK YOU SO LONG!! There were three other comments before you. You're getting slow in your old age....

Michel said...

PS that was our sudanese guide's feet. I don't wear black plastic shoes! GASP!

Gaston Studio said...

I MISSED YOU and am so glad you're back... and you're just gorgeous!!!

Love all the demonic cats at the old Port City wall and the photos are fantastic and I'm sorry you couldn't find a stick to poke the man a war thing and I knew that about camels and I love the little carts in the middle of the road and I'm so glad you're back!

Mrs. K said...

i so want to poke that stingray! ack! gotta go my kid just made a shitload of noise upstairs

otin said...

That was hillarious! I love the Fatties and blonde comment, and the "What up Bitches". That boat looks like the one the guy was working on in the end of "The Shawshank Redemption"!

Pastor Sharon said...

It has been a long couple of days waiting to read your latest blog post! Glad to know you had fun!
Your posts make me laugh! Thanks for the education on petting camels, demons and big kittys, and those dead stingray thingies on the beach.
You certainly had an adventure!

Beth said...

Sounds like the perfect vacation! Who do I contact to book a trip?

Beth said...

Oh, and my hair is blonde and I do have fun. And my husband's hair is gray. We'd just confuse the mess out of them.

Char said...

Great pics and horrifying stories of cannibal kitties and rotting stingrays. Glad you are back, safe and bathed (I think you've been upwind of me).

Deb said...

i am sorry, this was classic. i love the caption on the photo of the boys.

oh, and i don't know what kind of crack christina's smoking, but her hair IS grey!

and you are even more beautiful and fabulous than i had imagined.

glad you had the time of your life.

Hit 40 said...

I feel so out of it!! Even Otin beat me here to honor your return!!!

We had a big band night tonight with my parents here to enjoy their grandkids. I will post about it... well maybe.

Your trip was excellent. I will be back to read it a second time. I was giggling too much to truly focus on the details. You are very funny. Please tell your friend tomorrow "Your hair is so wonderful. I wish I had gray hair like you"

Fragrant Liar said...

It was so lovely to go on the Port of Sudan tour with you. Perhaps you could have been a worse salesperson? I dunno. Little gangstas on the street there? I don't need to leave home to see those. And the vicious camels? What kind of sick joke is that? Everyone knows camels are sweet and slow and friendly as turtles. Talking all nasty about the stinky beaches? Come on! Everyone knows that the world's beaches are pristine sandlots where tourists get their tan on. How could you taint them so? I just can't even deal with the rest of the careless dressing down now. In fact, thanks to you, I'm going to call my travel agent and cancel my trip. Party Planner Pooper.

blognut said...

Welcome back! I'm glad you had a swell time. And yes, all boys are born with a mastery of the 'What Up Bitches?' pose. It's like an instinct. Camera = What Up Bitches?

I'm wondering... how you could be afraid of the pigeons, but not the camels. I heard those things will spit at you.

I never want to be spit on by a camel. I'd have to punch it. Then the animal rights people would be all, "What Up Bitch?" No good can come from this.

Michel said...

Jane: ha! I was seriously all sad because I couldn't tell you guys shit while it happened!!

Mrs. K: I sorta knew you would be a kindred poking shit with a stick spirit!

Otin: Wow, I didn't know they imported the scenery!! That was nice!

Pastor Sharon: My mission is to educate the masses, because you guys didn't know! Most people are satisfied with just telling you about how cool crap is - I give you the stuff people never talk about.

Beth: I'll pick you up at the airport!!! You and Hubby will freak them out...

char: yes, I did bathe - I was kinda getting that bob marley dredlocked look. And it is not really me....

Deb: beautiful and fabulous you say?? DO GO ON!

Hit40: I'm totally telling Christina that today! that is FAB!

Fragrant: Why? What happened? That trip rocked!

Blognut: Yes, animal rights people do get all up in your face when you punch animals. I'm not really sure why - especially when the one in question would have had it coming. I would think that they could take a look at the CIRCUMSTANCES!

PS those birds were scary! Just like that damn movie...all staring at you...coming at you with their F U bitch, this is OUR pool...comin up in here with yo little towel. SCARY!

Dedene said...

You're too funny! Glad you enjoyed your little trip and didn't get eaten by cats or camels. Enjoy your brunette superiority while you can!

Dee-Zigns Handcrafted Jewelry said...

Thank you for the tour of Port Sudan, very nice photos! you and Cristina look like you're having a good time and they don't look fake.
You're a brave sole going camping in all, glad you didn't take pictures of your bed, my imagination is giving me enough to think about after your descriptions, thank you very much!
Glad you're back because you were sorely missed!

Kathy B! said...

This post was hilarious and oddly educational... as a person who'll likely never make it that far, it's cool... in an odd way :)

Smart Mouth Broad said...

Just catching up here. Sounds like a great, smelly trip. My college sophomore daughter wants to know what you do and how to get a great job like this. Any advice, info, dirt?

Anonymous said...

wao ...so some one had seen my little town actually...hihi
Ah dear, how I ended up getting into your little space???:O))
I guess I just missed that kaos kalled port sudan, so I went surfing, unil I got a ground on your shore...I was partially raised in port sudan, and I understand your discumfort being there, but believe me after 12 years travelling and living in Europe (Norway), I must admitt I miss that madness called port-sudan,,,hehe they say the world is beautifull, depends from which angle you are looking at....damn I should of been there to show you port sudan from a different corner...hehe ask my EU aristocrates...;O))
Ciao bella....
Ness

Atlantis said...

Love the story and, as a US Foreign Service Officer candidate, I hope I can continue following your exploits for years!

Atlantis said...

Love the stories and, as a US Foreign Service officer candidate, I hope to continue to follow your exploits for years!

Anonymous said...

I find this a bit culturally insensitive, narcissistic and boorish. It’s a shame really.
But then again, eventually you’ll graduate to having CD plates on your car and fit right in.
Stick with the parties at the marine house in Khartoum, … they’ll be more to your liking.