Tuesday, May 12, 2009

My Very Sudanese Birthday!

Okay, so since Jane publically outted me on the last post - I will come clean: I am an alcoholic. Well, that and today IS my birthday. Luckily, it did not fall upon Mother's Day this year (Lucky for my mother, mind you because NOTHING cancels MY DAY...NOTHING!)

In fact, not sure if I've spouted this before, but I literally planned my wedding day around my Mother's birthday - this is how petty and childish I am. Every 4 years (or so, you guys know I can't do math, stop holding me to facts!!! SEE TITLE OF BLOG FOR GOD'S SAKE!) my birthday is RUINED by stupid Mother's Day. Ruined I tell you...RUINED! Why? (Oh, I'll tell you why, I'm just getting started!) Because I had to SHARE my special day with my stupid mother. (Okay, maybe stupid is going too far, the woman is really smart and actually very kind and generous -- AND she put up with me until she couldn't take it anymore and booted me to the curb. I believe her exact words were, "Michel, I love you as if I were your mother...you are 32 years old. Would you GET MARRIED ALREADY??" -- the GET OUT part was totally implied..but you guys see it, RIGHT?)

So, I believe it was the age of 7 that I first decreed that I was going to ruin her birthday. She laughed. In my head -- well, technically the people in my head -- I was going, "Oh, you laugh now lady....we'll see who laughs last!" And my evil plot was hatched.

Josh had no say in the matter. Mom or Dad had no say in the matter. The inlaws had no say in the matter. I WAS DETERMINED to carry out my evil plans....

Her day was going down.

There was no stopping me. I was undeterred - even when I realized that my wedding day would be on a Thursday -- a school night, if you will -- even when the minster who was providing the pre-marital counseling told me that he "couldn't work with me" although he had two whole years in which to train me (I blame Catholic School for that one!) and even when one of my BFF's Brandy pointed out that she was due to give birth on that day -- I told her, "Look Lady, I'm sorry. You're just going to have to work with me here." (SELFISH! I know!! How rude is that?!? She's totally ruining my day with her baby due date. Beckett is forever on my list. )

Anyway, so I literally did it. I got married on her birthday so that she could see how it feels to have your day taken away from you -- What I didn't count on is this:

She didn't care! (Dooh!)

The woman ruined everything by being sweet and generous and not even mentioning her stupid birthday -- I even gave her a piece of cake (tee hee) -- although, to be fair, my bridesmaids were warned that there better be a damn piece of cake for me (because I have been to too many weddings where the bridal party doesn't get any -- and this is an OUTRAGE) so they had amassed literally 10 pieces (and my dear sweet Josh even saved me one) so I did have some to spare -- in case you were thinking I was all kind and giving there for a moment. (Not so much).

So anyway, today I spent my special day at work (although Blondie in the office brought me in a whole tray of mini-cupcakes! Which, everybody knows that 30 mini-cupcakes = one regular cupcake. Therefore, I had two cupcakes. WHAT!? It's MY DAMN DAY!)

I also received a letter noting that I was a "spacial girl" - which I can only assume is an Arab way of calling me fat. There's a lotta space in that there pantsuit. I officially hate foreigners (again).

Do you think it was the 60 mini-cupcakes??

31 comments:

lakeviewer said...

Definitely. You have a very good excuse indeed. Besides, when someone brings you cake, you must eat every crumb. It's the law, (somewhere).

darsden said...

OMG Michel you soooo need a spanking you are crying out for it...missy!

darsden said...

now that I have had a moment to process exactly how the world does revolve around you.. thank goodness your spinning it otherwise we would all just fall off..
but, now I see how hard it was for your poor ole mom over the years. YOU came out kicking right off trying to take her one day a year away from her.. yep you right from the get go, stealing mothers day with your "birth" and you top it off with a cherry at the wedding... dammit Michel ya mama might not be able to take you..but this short shit can...bring it.. ya got a mama smack down comin at cha!!

Mrs. K said...

Ah my fellow Taurean...HAPPY BIRTHDAY! YEAH! OH YEAH! OH YEAH! UH-HUH! I'M DOING THE STUPID DANCE...I hope you get LOTS more cake...and imagine this: FOR MY WEDDING DAY? NO FUCKING CAKE FOR ME. To this day, I tell my husband if we divorce, it will be for that very same reason. I'm still waiting for my mini bridal cake to show up at an anniversary or birthday. Nothing yet.

marathoner81 said...

Happy Birthday! Although I think you've been misinformed about birthday mini-cupcakes...they don't have ANY calories, so you can eat 3 cupcakes if you want.

darsden said...

oh yea Happy Friggin Birthday

blognut said...

Happy Birthday. You're legally obligated to eat an entire triple-layer cake, or 19 cupcakes. You get to pick.

Char said...

Happy B-Day! You sooo deserve a great birthday, sweety.

(Need any help Darsden?)

Deb said...

happy birthday to you and a very unhappy mother's day to your mother. but happy anniversary. but not happy birthday to your mother. did i get that right?

i tried something similar. my hubs was insistent on getting married on my birthday so he would only have one day to remember. so i got married the day before my birthday so i would score two really good presents. now he just forgets both.

lots of may babies here in blogland. i'm one, too!

Bon Don said...

Everybody knows 60mini = 2 reg.Cucpakes AND no calories! Happy Birthday!!

otin said...

Happy Birthday! "Spacial" I love your little jokes that you try to sneak by us! LOL!

Hit 40 said...

H
A
P
P
Y

B
I
R
T
H
D
A
Y

!
!
!

Hit 40 said...

I will throw done for you the jokes that I got on one of my birthday cards.

The front says....

For your birthday a quiz for women only

Inside of card...

Why did God create man?
He couldn't teach vibrators how to mow the lawn

How can you tell a man is horny?
He's awake (SO TRUE)

What does a man consider to be a seven-course meal?
A hot dog and a six pack

What do you call a man with half a brain?
Gifted

How do men exercise at the beach?
By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.

How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One. Men will screw anything

Why do men watch football?
Because it'd be boring to talk about sex all the time.

Why do men have bigger brains than dogs?
So they won't hump you leg at a party

Why are blonde jokes so short?
So men can remember them.

Happy Birthday!
Eileen

darsden said...

d
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H
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g
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s
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o
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Justin said...

So you are alive and reborn... nice!

Reddirt Woman said...

My baby brother was born on my third birthday. We were the last two of six kids. Our birthday also was the day before Valentine's Day. Until we left home, mom would cook two heart shaped cakes and put them together, ice them and it was B.D. for both of us and Valentine's Day to boot. So I understand about sharing and it sometimes being a pain...

Happy Birthday to you!!!

Helen G.

Fragrant Liar said...

It's a good thing I waited all day to post my comment on your blog. I'm not sure why, but it seems right to tell you that. Since it's your birthday and all. So, um, happy birthday. You didn't mention your age. Are you sad about it? Embarrassed? Unable to let your fingers type in the number? You spent all that time avoiding it by talking about spatial awareness as it pertains to cupcakes and cake, trying to throw us off like we can't see right through you. I mean, we are your friends here. You can tell us what your number is. Come on. What is it? I'll give you cake, if you tell me. :)

Gaston Studio said...

LOL, your poor mom!!!

Personally, I think you should have fudge cake for your birthday celebration; just saying.

Try having your birthday 10 days before Christmas! Christ on a crutch, I was so cheated on presents!

And I agree that there are definitely very few calories and carbs in cupcakes, but get this... there are NO calories or carbs in fudge cake. Just saying.

Happy birthday! ;-D

Jaime said...

happy birthday

CarrieAnn said...

Happy Birfday!!! Yay!

Smart Mouth Broad said...

Nobody counts cupcakes on your birthday, Silly!

Hope it was great!

Michel said...

Lakeviewer: You're RIGHT! I think it IS the law. You how law-abiding I am right? I've clearly done my part.

Darsden: I am honestly shocked that you did not already KNOW the world revolves around me! How the heck did you think you were still here!? Didn't you wonder why you sometimes have those boring periods where sometimes nothing is going on?? That's because I'm not THERE.... Dooy!

Mrs. K: Oh thank God! You totally feel my pain and can understand why I am mentally scarred. I think that everyone would agree that if you ever leave your hubby that you totally have grounds to do so. I'm sorry I didn't know you sooner. I could have warned you and potentially saved you the pain and anguish.

M81: THREE cupcakes, you say??? I was not aware.

Blognut: I assume that becuase I was heretofore unaware of the full extent of the law, that I have an extension until 13 may to accomplish my entire cake eating? It's only fair and just.

Char: I KNOW! thank you!!! (PS don't encourage Darsden, it leads her to drink)

Deb: HAHA! I would NEVER get married anywhere near any other holiday! It's too risky!! You could totally end up with a "Happy Birthday Happy Anniversary Present." You may need to get re-married so you can have a separate occasion. (and cake)

Bon Don: Thank you! ANd you are right, it is well known!

SHIT THERE ARE A LOTTA COMMENTS! I gotta rest!

Michel said...

Otin: GASP! Did you just call me spacial!?!?

Hit40!: Those were awesome! Thank you!!! haha

Darsden: no words.

Justin: That I am. Would it kill you to write me a note once in a while?!?! I'm just sayin...Liz does. hahah

Helen: Holy shit! I am so sorry for the pain and suffering you have endured. How attached are you to your little brother? I'm just sayin, Darsden knows people. (it's probaby her though, watch out.)

Fragrant: you caught that, huh? Let's just say that I am older than my hubby and that makes me sad. However, for the record, I do NOT recall being 32 OR 33...therefore, I suspect I am younger and simply f'd up the math. It is, (in sum) a number that can never be known.

Shit Jane! You get the Happy Birthday, Merry Christmas Presents. Well, you can't kill God...you may just have to kill anyone who gives you one of those - OR, (and this is easier, mind you) you can do like my Daddy does, whose b-day is 19 Dec and just decree that the christmas crap doesn't go up until after his birthday!

Jaimie and Carrieann! Thank you!

SMB: OMG you are totally right. Why the hell was I counting and (therefore) LIMITING myself. Good point!

Suzy said...

Happy frickin way to make me scroll for an hour. Commenters LOVE that. Who said cupcakes?

Dedene said...

Happy Birthday. I can't believe that you are so selfish, I bet you're making it up!

Eat a ton of mini-cupcakes and enjoy yourself.

Mary@Holy Mackerel said...

Well, a happy birthday to you, chicky!! And your mom reacted that way because she knew it would drive you batty. You can't win with mothers.

Kathy B! said...

I'm a day late and a dollar short!

Happy Birthday :)

Beth said...

I tried three times to leave a comment yesterday morning (because I don't think I can blog at work and keep my job). Apparently, Blogger hates you because it wouldn't let me leave a comment.

But I love you enough to come back and try again. How is that for a birthday present?

Now if only I could remember what I was going to say...

Beth said...

Happy Birthday!

kristin/kwr221 said...

Wow, How did I miss this yesterday?!

HaPpY BiRtHdAy!!!!

Dee-Zigns Handcrafted Jewelry said...

Naturally, I'm the last one seeing this! Happy Birthday girl, I hope you had a great one!