Wednesday, May 6, 2009

Dear GSO,

I am in receipt of your email again today informing me that my air conditioning (AC) has been repaired per my requests of 03 May, 04 May, 05 May and morning of 06 May. I am also in receipt of your emails on those aforementioned days transmitting the same. I am replying because I believe there may be some confusion concerning my request for your assistance.

I would like you to actually fix the AC.

To clarify, the AC in the temporary house in which I am currently staying is not working. Meaning, (in layman's terms) this shit is hot up in this place. I would also like to clarify for the record, that in America (and as technically, you guys claim this housing complex is sovereign US soil and that is why I have to continue to pay my taxes in the State of VA) most houses do not keep the thermostat at 96 degrees.

Now I am not unreasonable. I understand that when it is 118 degrees outside that I probably will have to make some concessions. Therefore, I would like to note that I am not requesting that my house be set at 65 or even 70. I could probably survive at a balmy 76...(as I believe my blood may have now thinned to the point where it may start to seep out of my pores at any moment now), but I would like to also note that I find it difficult to sleep in a pool of my own sweat. In addition, I believe that it may also prove to be a health hazard soon, as it will undoubtedly begin to attract mosquitos to the stagnant water that coats my sheets, my chair, and my entire body.

Yes, I do understand that the house you are in the process of remodeling - that will be available for me to move into by "this weekend" - has an AC unit that functions correctly. I have also walked into that house and I do agree, it is indeed nice and cool. I also further agree that it will be pleasant if/when "this weekend" ever arrives. Please advise what exactly the Sudanese conversion of "this weekend" translate into English, so that I may understand the actual date, as I believe I may be confused on this issue. I have been told that it should be ready "this weekend" since late March. Does "this" mean June in arabic?

I would also like to advise you that I am no longer open to "inshallah" as an acceptable response. I have contacted Allah (via my mother on a conference call on skype) and he has advised me that he DOES indeed will it to be so. Therefore, please inform your staff of this so that they may complete this work order.

Thank you for your further consideration of this ongoing request. Please be advised that if I have to spend one more night in this living hell that is Khartoum without AC, you will not like the results.

Best regards,

Michel

PS: references of former individuals who have offended me are avaiable upon request.

26 comments:

Amanda said...

LOVE IT!

Virginia hasn't hit it's hot spot yet but I can relate as our AC went out in June last year and took 28 days to fix.

Michel said...

Amanda: Shit dude! I used to live in VA before I moved here - I am so sorry for your pain. I am surprised they let you have internet access from Prison.

I'm sorry, I just assumed you killed someone. It would be only natural.

Captain Dumbass said...

No A/C in Africa? That sounds like a lot of fun. Keep that bellybutton clean, don't want any mosquito larvae colonizing that.

Kathy B! said...

Me thinks they better get on this. STAT!

They are really pushing it unless they want you to explode. That's what happens to vapor pressure at high temperatures. And if you explode you'll likely take the whole facility with you. I'm sure a bomb threat would get lots of stuff moving where you're located. Of course, you'd probably end up in jail, but I bet the AC is working in there...

marathoner81 said...

Damn...I would be a raving bitch. I almost feel sorry the repair people. They better higher body guards.

Lyndsay said...

You crack me up, I linked this post on my blog side bar today. All I ask for in return is Allah's number. I've got Skype and I need resolution on some shit.

darsden said...

Hey it me...did you see my blog post today. Wasn't my heart special. It was a wonderful post all about my friends in blogland. How special they are too me. I put a lovely heart award for them at my post, I did today..

What this isn't suppose to be about me....

Well who the hell cares, I have ice sic cles all over me the a/c is soo friggin cold in here.

tera said...

The heck with Sudan. You come to my house. We have air. I will get you chocolate, margaritas (chocolate margaritas?) and all the Daniel Craig movies you want. (See, I'm not so bad!)

otin said...

I hate it when its so hot in the house that you sweat while you are sleeping! And that picture was not that bad!

Hit 40 said...

I liked Kathy B!'s comment. But, Otin's comment got a LMAO.

How awful! I can not be too hot. It causes the worst vertigo ... I am talking puking until I have no more and need an iv from the hospital.

I guess I am just a delicate flower

Michel said...

Capn Dumbass: DAMNITT! DO NOT give me one more health issue to worry about!! I freak out if I have a headache and then immediately check to see if I have a fever - because I'm sure I'm going to get that Lassa Fever shit!

Kathy: That would actually work the opposite if I did that. They would piece me back together and make me go into work to deal with the aftermath - I'd have to go count the american cits in town and make sure they're safe...We need a better option. THINK MAN!

M81: yes, yes they should. I've been remarkably nice so far - becuase I'm frankly scared they'll f up my new house...

Lyndsay: That was COOL! I totally love validation by others. AND, for the record, I back anyone who hates exercise too. We need to bond b/c we are a dwindling race...everyone's getting on the "Science can't cure your fat ass" kick...but I know (in my heart) that is wrong.

Darsden: ummm...I saw it, but I totally got sidetracked because I realized that I HAD DONE MORE THAN 100 damn posts and I missed a potential cake type of celebration. That said, I see it now and i thank you...you are a good blog-friend!....and yet I hate you at the same time. we all have our crosses to bear...

Tera: Why do I feel like this is a trap - where you lure me in for chocolate margaritas (That does sound f'in yummy, fyi) and I get there and it is hot, there is salad and an exercise video? WHY TERA!?

Otin: That picture was traumatizing. I'm still creeped out by it. I am considering flagging your blog. You are very lucky that all my options across the top are in Arabic here and I run the risk of flaggin my own....

Gaston Studio said...

I TOLD you Sudan is an IBM country but you wouldn't listen to me!

You just know that because they're planning on relocating you anyway, they're just stalling. I suggest stripping out of your clothes the minute you get home, soak a large towel in cold water and wrap it around you. Do this again before you go to bed and wear it while you sleep. You may catch pneumonia but that's better that heat stroke. Isn't it?

Michel said...

hit 40; how the heck did you sneak in there when I wasn't looking. I can only assume witchcraft.

Jane: you DID tell me this. WHY DO I NEVER LISTEN!? I have decided to try to look on the bright side. It is like I am LIVING in a hot yoga (what is that, Bikram?) class....Braja would be so proud of me.

Yeah, I'm Still Here... said...

You are a riot! I'm having a hard time imagining 118 degrees! HOLY CRAP! Give me the low 80's, a slight breeze on a white sand beach and a drink with the cute little umbrella. Ahhhh....

Whoops, sorry, just dreaming here.

Mrs. K said...

if you make the sangria make sure you let it sit with the fruit in it for at least 24 hours...the fruit helps out the process! let me know how it goes!

Beth said...

And we have to wear jackets, sweaters, and coats all through the hot months because the powers that be don't feel that teachers and administrators should be allowed to operate AC units. It is sad that we can't be trusted with having access to the controls.

Apparently, this is the trend. They'd rather us put in a work order for the maintenance men to come make adjustments (there are too options - cold and colder than shit). If only the maintenance guys were hot (you know what I mean).

I feel for you! I can't sleep in hot weather either.

Elizabeth said...

Now you know how I felt every time I had to ride in the car with you! It was like a damn sauna! (AND it made the Milk Duds melt!)

Smart Mouth Broad said...

Do they really make an a/c unit that works under those conditions? Good Lord! Tell me, again. Why are you there? Certainly there must be a way to do this job remotely?

amy said...

"this weekend" is like washer time. despite being denoted by finite calendars or timers, these things never arrive on schedule.

That probably doesn't make sense, but it does in my head.

Fragrant Liar said...

My brothers were landscapers in Phoenix for oh about 20+ years. They have a few t-shirts that say, "I survived 118^" (that was a degree sign). So you seem to have earned the "I survived . . . " t-shirt. Then, if you do as Gaston says and get it wet to stay cool, those repair guys will get a nice surprise when they come over. Hell, I'm just trying to forget that our a/c is out here in Buda/Austin, and it's 85^ in our house right now and I'm about delirious. And I'm also trying to get my mind off of penises.

blognut said...

Michel, if you are living in bikram yoga conditions, you should be practicing your postures. Are you?

Don't forget 'camel' because that's the one that always make me come THIS close to passing out... literally. However, after I recover from the swimming head syndrome, I feel like I just hit a bong. (Not that I'd know.) :)

And take a shower or something, will ya'? Geez. You're gross over there with all that shiny sweat on you.

marathoner81 said...

p.s. I've tagged you for an award

Hit 40 said...

I assume the air is still broke :-(

I like to screw around with the temperature at work by hanging a bag of ice or a candle warmer on the temperature control. I have cooled the whole floor of my high school or raised it a few degrees with this trick!!!

marathoner81 said...

Oh no Michel...Hit40 just told me that you had a rant about awards awhile back...I'm new, please forgive. It's just that...well...I have a crush on you. Are we still friends?

Kelly's Ideas said...

Great... You said it...

Dee-Zigns Handcrafted Jewelry said...

Inshallah, hell, that's what they say for everything!
I feel for you bigtime, I cannot deal with the heat! 80 degrees would feel like heaven to you! I'm behind on reading posts, so I hope to hell you are comfortably cool by now ;).