Monday, May 4, 2009

EVERYBODY REMAIN CALM!!!

The Mail came today. (I believe I have mentioned how I feel about mail day before) And I know that I have a tiny tendency to (maybe) overreact to things - to potentially (maybe) think things are either better or worse than they really are in reality (maybe). SOMETIMES.

However, TODAY WAS THE BEST DAY EVER!!

Did you hear me?! I said EVER!

Little Debbie got her Visa!!!

Okay, maybe not as good as my wedding day (although, frankly Little Debbie wasn't invited to that day - I was still trying to fit into my dress up until that particular day -- and yes, as it turns out, it is UNPOSSIBLE to lose 25 pounds in 10 days - write that down for your future planning efforts -- May God Bless the A-line cut.)

So I walk out to my car - unsuspecting, right? because it's Monday (and you know how we've gone over that mail comes on random days at random times, but heretofore NEVER on a Monday) so I totally didn't see it coming...

I open the car door and sitting there on the seat is a box from my PARENTS! (oh thank you God! - and mom and dad) and then I do a little happy dance and jump up into the seat (which you really shouldn't do when you are wearing a skirt and you have black leather seats that have been sitting in the sun...I'm just sayin...for safety reasons, you know) and then I go to reverse out of my parking spot and I notice something out of the corner of my eye ...

THERE ARE MORE BOXES IN THE BACK SEAT.

I'm talking 4s of boxes -- in 4s of different shapes and sizes!!! So I drive home in a happy fog - I barely noticed the jackasses driving on the wrong side of the road toward you because they don't think they should have to go around to a section of road where they can cross to the other side...I barely see the damn Tuk-Tuks just driving across traffic in front of you because they just assume your brakes will work to stop your 50,000 pound, fully armored car that is traveling at approximately 70 mph (because there is no speed limit - FINALLY! Something about which to praise Sudan!) with the sound track to Mamma Mia! playing on your Ipod over the radio -- sure. No problem.

You just swerve, almost hit a truck, take out a fruit stand, you know - same ole, same ole...but hey! It's not your car, right?

No biggidy.

So I rush into my house, realize that the AC is not now, and likely has not been working for the last 8 hours - however, this does not break my stride -- I'm on my way to the kitchen to get a knife and tear open these boxes!

I open my parents' box first - because I KNOW it has got to be good - I SPECIFICALLY requested chocolatty goodness...

They sent mother f'in peeps.

Damnitt DADDY!

Not to be daunted, I remove the layer of brown gravy mixes (don't ask - my dad thinks I need them...) and found cookies! HOORAY! I search a little bit more and there she is...in all her glory...

LITTLE DEBBIE. (My God how I love thee!!)

Someone should contact the company and tell them that they need to put a little halo over her little Debbie head - In fact, I may pop over to the Embassy of the Holy See and demand that they put her in for a sainthood. (You can just nominate someone for that, right? How the hell does that work?? Is there a criteria? ) I can just see it now, Saint Debbie - Patron saint of soft fluffy goodness...her symbol? A little swiss roll you wear around your neck.

I'd totally pray to her for intervention! HECK! let's be honest here. I do that already.

So I contemplate tearing into the box right then and there...but then I pause. stop. think. I should really freeze that shit. I mean, if I open it right now, it'll (a) be all melty and could potentially lose some of the chocolatty goodness on the wrapper (and abomination!); and (b) if they are frozen, I may be able to control myself from eating the whole box at once. Little Debbie does not have a multiple entry visa - she cannot come and go as she pleases (until, I assume, she gets her sainthood) so I must ration these out carefully. Is this worth of a little debbie moment? Is it that special?

(So now I hoard food. Is anyone a psychiatrist? This is normal right?? )

Anyway, but that was not it!! I KNOW! How can one girl be so very blessed? (and so very damn hot in this house?! WTF GSO! get your ass out here and fix this!)

I had a box from HIT 40!!! I am also considering submitting her name for sainthood; however, it might be awkward to explain that I don't actually KNOW her full name...No, actually, your holiness, I'm not really sure what she looks like...How do I know her? Well...it's like this...well...I mean, she puts snotty comments on my blog? What's a blog? Well, nevermind...anyway, she clearly feel bad about her behavior -- so she can't be all bad, right? Plus, the woman knows math. That has to count for SOMETHING right? because God knows you're never gonna use that shit in real life...right??

So God Bless Mom and Dad and Hit 40 at Sane Without Drugs, who coincidentally sends care packages without drugs too...

Actually, I'm hoping the biscotti is made with fresh Adderall....A girl can dream!

24 comments:

Fragrant Liar said...

You so crazy!

blognut said...

Damn. I would totally send you all of this stuff if you send me an address. I am that nice.

Anyway, I'm glad you got your Little Debbie on. :)

marathoner81 said...

And all this time I have been taking Little Debbie for granted. Thank you for putting things into perspective!

darsden said...

Awesome Michel happy you got some happys...LOL at the peeps your parents have a great sense of humor! (wtf happened to you) just pickin chicken..LOL Blognut I am with you I would send goodies to...but she said she doesn't know me :-p happy day to you Michel

Susan said...

I would send you many, many, many cakemixes and gooey chocolate things if you'd email your address. And LIttle Debbie - she should have horns and a pitchfork; she put a roll around MY neck.

Mrs. K said...

well have you gotten your cake mix yet? where's your cake? i wanna see pics.

tera said...

I'm not so much for sweets, and I could probably live without Hostess/Little Debbie...but how are you set on Frito's and Lay's? I would go crazy if I couldn't get my weekly dose of salty potato and/or corn goodness!

(I know, you're probably not speaking to me after the Daniel Craig Incident, but hey, I'd send you a care package anyway!)

Gaston Studio said...

Little Debbie in Sudan! Land sakes alive, I'm about to pass out with a good ole southern swoon!

I'm so happy for you girl except for the peeps of course, 'cause those are nasty; however you might consider using them as bribes in times of great need... like getting a spa appointment for that much needed pedicure!

So, what was in the other boxes?

Michel said...

Fragrant: I know you are, but what am I?

Blognut: Whaaa? that nice? Whaaa? who is this?!?!

Marathoner81: are you allowed to want/have cake?? I think my hubby might have a lecture prepared for you on this subject. (thanks, by the way, for taking a lecture ultimately destined for me...)

Darsden: I can't give you my address - you'd try to send me a flying rodent to make me a better person. It simply is not going to happen. I think we all know this.

Susan: OMG! I have a neck roll too? DO YOU THINK DEBBIE IS BEHIND THIS!? That Bitch!

Mrs. K: YES! I did get them from Penny!!! I have not made it yet though, b/c I'm still in temporary housing and my oven is from 1963 - I'm a-scared of it. I can't take a chance it might get burned. I simply cannot risk it.

PS you do know I can't actually COOK cakes like you can, right?? I'm just happy it has cake and frosting.

ok Tera - I don't know who the hell you are, or where you are from - but NOT LOVE SWEETS!?!? And this is AFTER you visciously malign my loving boyfriend (who doesn't now it yet)?

However, yes, I do love salt too. I do not discriminate.

Jane: The KINDLE 2!!! How could I have forgotten to post about that? Josh got it for me (he doesn't know it yet). I'm starting to think maybe my cake obsession is not actually healthy.

Hit 40 said...

I am so excited that you got my box!!! I didn't want to mail anything that melted. So, I had to ponder the chocolate. I'm hoping you drink coffee for the biscotti. It's still good dipped in milk. You so have to randomly do shit with the little houses and take pics!

I was worried that you wouldn't get it. The postal lady gave me some funny looks. I didn't put on my return address. So... she asked me to write it. I told her I didn't wanna. She said the military wouldn't take it.

So... I said does it have to be the real one. This is when she really gave me a look.

Together We Save said...

I love Little Debbie. Yummy.

Hit 40 said...

I think you need a bag of fruit o lay cheese balls. I have more to say on the big balls thursday!!! Don't be surprised if some big balls show up in the mail for you!

Captain Dumbass said...

I don't think we have Little Debbie in Canada, at least I've never seen it. Does that make us third world? Is that why those guys in the blue jackets with HS in yellow on the back were asking so many questions when I crossed the border this weekend? I dropped your name and I got through. You may be getting a phone call on that one.

I so need a fully armoured car. Can they do that with Dodge Caravans?

otin said...

Hit 40 is really a great person, almost as sarcastic as I am, but still a great person!

tera said...

It's not that I don't like sweets...I do!...but I can't live without my chips!

Char said...

Well crap, someone told me Little Debbie was the Anfel of Death....and you're praying to her?
The best way to eat Peeps is to open the wraper and leave them out for a week or so till they get hard and stale...I swear they're really good that way.

Bon Don said...

Ooh that Little Debbie sure is a gem isn't she!!!

Beth said...

Damn, you are a lucky girl! And you got a Kindle 2?! I've been begging for one for Mother's Day. My hints are not even subtle. But I don't think it is going to happen unless I take the credit card from the man and just do it.

Little Debbie totally should be a saint. I think many people worship her. Can we suggest that she get a new do? Her style is a little, well, um... dated. Maybe the folks at What Not to Wear could help out.

Dee-Zigns Handcrafted Jewelry said...

You are too easy. Little Debbie? Those are like Twinkies, they'll last forever, like when we are all dead and gone. Except for the heat and melting of course. I bet they are delicious right out of the freezer!

Don't like peeps, never have, never will. If it was the last sugar on earth, I seriously don't think I would touch them. Seriously.

Smart Mouth Broad said...

What is it about parents and peeps! I'm a guilty mother too. I can never remember who likes em and who doesn't. Now they all claim to hate them but I swear somebody likes them, Dammit. Yeah I said that on Easter. *sigh*

Kathy B! said...

I love Hit 40! She is a fine and wonderful bloggy buddy, and she also is the one who helped me find you!

Enjoy your saintly snacks. I, personally, say freeze 'em and make 'em last :)

Comedy Goddess said...

Little Debbie is wicked. I can't turn her down. She is such a Bitch.

Lyndsay said...

Dang! I'd be happy to send you some Little Debbie's now knowing the prestige of such sought after snacks. I am thinking she needs to apply for a student Visa or something...

amy said...

You hoard that Little Debbie like a kid at fat camp, girl!