Saturday, May 9, 2009

Are You There God? It's Me, Michel!

Clearly, you are upset so I just wanted to say I'm very sorry for whatever I did that pissed you off -- pissed you off so badly that you felt the need to smote me yet again.

I would like to humbly request that you remove the pox you have put upon me; the vomittey tummy, the throbbing headache (thank you for not sending me a fever so that I would panic and think my internal organs were going to melt within 6 days because I got the Lassa fever). I realize that last night as I was curled into the fetal position begging for death, that you may have taken that as a signal that I wanted to die. Although I stand by my decision at the time (because that shit hurt!), I realize now the stabbing pain and nausea has passed, that I may have been a little bit premature…and perhaps a tad bit dramatic -- because I feel a LOT better now. (So please disregard that last request…)

Once again you have taught me a valuable lesson - I do believe this would be Valuable Lesson Number 8,437; however, in order to ensure that that this one actually takes this time, I would just like some clarification on what it is I actually did to piss you off - because frankly, there is so much to choose from these days.
However, I NEVER EVER, EVER want to go through that shit again! Therefore, I would like to know exactly what it was I did to warrant this punishment:

I recall being flippant. How I told everyone that I was working on my new wonder diet supplement - Glass O'White Nile and its sister product, Glass O'Blue Nile. I see now, where that could be construed as inappropriate, unnecessary and even stupid. From here on out, I will endeavor to do better. To eat less, move more. (I would like to caveat that promise, however, by pointing out that it might be difficult for me now that Little Debbie got her visa to Sudan.) I mean, would it be possible…just maybe… that you could perhaps smote science and make them get on that damn fat pill so that I will not feel obligated to help others by inventing my own miracle diet solution.

What? Oh, okay…Yes, I can see now that was wrong.

And there was that small incident with the French Ambassador. However, in my defense, his mustache looked like a cheap theater prop and I don’t think anyone could have really known that it was real. He looked like Peter Sellers in, “The Pink Panther.” I mean, it was only natural that I would have tried to rip it off and yell Ah-HAH! I really think that most people would have done the same thing when faced with that situation. I mean, I thought he was joking! Plus, I would think that an Ambassador would have handled that better – I speak some French you know, even I knew some of those words and I’m just saying – you MIGHT want to visit a little poop ear on him for that…

Oh yeah, I can see now how that might also be something that might annoy you as well.

And there was that TINY little incident when I was at that party the other night and there was that really annoying woman with the really annoying laugh and how she went outside to smoke -- Smoking is very bad for you, you know that God…If you think about it, I was sort of doing the rest of the people in that party a FAVOR when I shut the door behind her. I was protecting them from the dangers of second hand smoke!

In my defense, I did not realize that it would lock her out there. I mean, if I had known, I never would have walked away to talk to the French Ambassador – we won’t go into that again – but I DID open the door very quickly when I realized she was standing outside in the haboob. She only got a little dirty – well, technically, muddy because she was sweating so much from having been outside in the stifling heat for all that time – but I am really sure that her white dress will be able to be cleaned; and/or it did also look pretty in Khaki. On the bright side, she did think I was from Canada, so at least America won’t get blamed for that (or the Ambassador’s) incident.

And while we’re on the subject, it is not really my fault that everyone assumed I was Canadian because I called that one guy, “You hoser!” And I was not about to correct the assumption after I told that annoying New Age Vegan Lady that my name was Anastasia Beaverhausen. I thought she would have seen the show for heaven’s sake! How was I to know that she doesn’t watch TV because she thinks it is tacky?

What I think is tacky is someone who lectures some poor Canadian girl about how because her blood type is A+, that she should not eat, meat, fish, chicken, dairy, sugar, or fruit. When I pointed out that we were in SUDAN….and that my options were pretty limited – PLUS, I couldn’t even think what was LEFT that I could eat – she didn’t need to get all snotty and tell me that I should eat the lettuce and cucumbers. For the love of all that’s holy – that is what we call the SUICIDE OPTION here at the Embassy. I think my colleagues would call in the medic if they saw me sit down with a big ole bowl of stomach ache and runs.

So anyway, I just wanted to tell you that you do not have to smote me so damn bad next time if you want me to stop. A simple, "Bitch, you're gonna get it!" would suffice at this point. After yesterday’s incident, I honestly believe you.

Peace Out!

DAMNITT! I mean,

AMEN.

24 comments:

Beth said...

Well, at least it IS a good start to a diet. Puking sucketh!

I hope you feel better.

Beth said...

Besides, you can't run in haboob's. Even I know that.

I think you should eat extra Little Debbie cakes today.

jb said...

Michel, may god help you on your path to wellness or NOT!!!!! I just pissed a little in my PJ's...thanks a bunch shitter....

God, has a wicked sense of humor. I do hope you feel better and next time you even try to rip the mousse tache off the french sir I'd think twice cause a whole lot of shit came down on you lady!!!!!

Take good care of yourself and God love ya!!!!

Huggs
JB

darsden said...

You are so friggin funny.. and after 8436 lessons ya still need one more and still on quest for more.. Amazing.. R U from Mississippi by chance? Oh and while I am rolling on the floor myself..at your pain you are in..Hope you feel better xoxodar

otin said...

Maybe its like a biblical thing, yesterday a sand storm, then the plague, If people start smearing animal blood on their doors, maybe you should hide LOL!

marathoner81 said...

Did you really learn your lesson...I usually do well for a month and them revert back to my old ways, until I'm put back into place for another month!

MereCat said...

Dreadful. But in a funny way. I hope you feel better!

Hit 40 said...

Maybe.. the smoker slipped you a little something extra in your wine?

Or, the real canadian in the room passed you some bad cheese?

Or... maybe everyone at the embassy is plotting against you?? The party was just a fake ploy to poison you?

Are you in the new place that "they" promised you this weekend? If not, have another little debbie.

Hit 40 said...

Must go clean toilets!!! My bathrooms smell worse than a gas station restroom.

Pseudonymous High School Teacher said...

I think I want to go out partying with you. I'm just saying.

Deb said...

are we talking zebra cakes or marshmallow pies? either would be worth repeated smote-ings. swiss rolls or star crunches, i could give up.

hope you are feeling better!

ps: surely God approves of smoker lock-outs. i think you can scratch that one off the list.

Gaston Studio said...

Is your front door blue? Because you know blue doors ward off evil so maybe they also stop or deter bibical smotes?! Paint the damn door blue Michel!!!

And while you're at it, paint the window trim blue too! Can't be too careful here. Come to think of it, maybe you should also hang blue ribbons on your car doors, and your office door and DEFINITELY wear blue when you're going to a party where the French ambassador will be along with the smoker lady! Don't want to run into them again.

Sorry that you are/were so sick and truly hope that it was just a 8/16/24 hour thing.

Mrs. K said...

damn girl...stay off that weird meat.

Justin said...

So that is how Paul has lost all of his weight...

Smart Mouth Broad said...

You are so clever. Next time I do something foolish, I'm going to pretend to be Canadian too.

bearer of three said...

funny and sad at the same time..lol..i hope you feel better

Hit 40 said...

Happy Sunday!!!!!!! I just had to pop by. Glad to see your taking the day off too.

lakeviewer said...

This is seriously funny, and irreverent to boot. Good stuff. I will be back.

Fragrant Liar said...

I think God, in her infinite wisdom and kickassness, has given you plenty of chances to straighten up and fly right there, missy. In fact, I think she's just resorting to serial smoting with you. You know what's next, right?

Well, I don't either, but I wouldn't take chances with a serial smoter. You better do the sign of the cross and quit making confessions.

Suzy said...

Was that me who yelled at you? If it was I apologize. I once got so sick like that in Corsica that I thought I was dying. I am SERIOUSLY changing the name of your blog in my Google Reader to Sudan because I get all forgetful on who's who and miss entire sections of my punishment.

I am following the political crisis in Darfur so does that count?

Char said...

They still smote in Sudan? OMG!

Yup, you have to be very careful what you ask for, cause sometimes you get it.

Hope you're feeling better.

Captain Dumbass said...

I think you covered yourself pretty well there.

Kathy B! said...

I swera I already read and commented on this. Maybe I just drank lots of wine and read it and forgot to comment?! I'm very confused!

Mary@Holy Mackerel said...

Glad you're feeling better...

And you'd better behave yourself for the next while, if you can. I hear god is very powerful.