Saturday, January 31, 2009

When Scotch Goes Bad....

Last night Josh and I went out to dinner with Minoy and her husband Theo, and Liz and her husband Dan at Clydes in Ashburn. I was super excited to go because I FINALLY read the book that is all the buzz these days...Twilight! Previously, I didn't understand what all the hype was about, thought it sounded stupid even....I mean, it was about vampires! How lame is that!?! And, it's a book for TEENS for heaven's sake.

But then Grace loaned it to me and told me that I HAD to read it. I was going to scoff in her face, but then I remembered that everyone has been talking about it. All this blather about Edward and Bella, and I had no idea what they were talking about!! Worst of all, I could not spout my opinion about it!! I gotta tell you though, I really liked it! It was a fab read. WHO KNEW!?

So imagine my disappointment when I get to the restaurant -- all set to start my spouting -- and stupid Minoy and Liz have NOT READ IT! WTF!? What we ended up talking about was the woman who just had octuplets after she already had 6 (was it 6?) kids at home!!! Unfortunately, as all three of us pretty much get our news from the Daily Show or the internet, nobody had the full story and most of our comments were absolutely made up (Note, I can't remember who said what - I was on the martini!!):

Minoy: She has 14 kids! 8 this last time and 6 before that?

Dan: I'll have a Black label, rocks

Josh: She had all 6 kids at once?

Theo: Where would you even PUT all those kids?? WHY would you want them? HOW could you pay for them? WHERE THE HELL WOULD YOU PUT THEM ALL??

Dan: Make it a double!

Me: She could have had two sets of triplets AND, I heard she's a single mom - getting assistance from the state.

Minoy: She's single? NO! I heard she was just poor. OR, it could have been three sets of twins, or one triplet, one twin and one singleton. . . . LIZ?

Liz: Just because I had twins doesn't mean I am an expert on all issues involving multiple births.

WHAT? Of course you are Liz!! As Minoy and I do not have kids, we rely on Liz' experience with twins and a singleton kid (and, as they have not died of neglect yet) - she MUST know this stuff.

However, all was not lost. Last night, Josh illustrated that he has learned to self-correct! When he would throw out some statement that would normally earn him the look, he looked at me and immediately followed it with, "That is NOT right! We have talked about this before many times! We do NOT talk like that!!" That said, when we got home last night, Josh claimed that his tummy hurt and he didn't feel too good. When I pointed out that he had consumed about five glasses of Scotch, he claimed, "the scotch must have gone bad."

Yes, it went bad likely because it was old. It was waaaay past its sell by date. That is EXACTLY what happened. There is no other plausible explanation for not feeling well after 5 scotch rocks with dinner. What is this world coming to when you cannot even order drinks without fearing for your safety!?

Speaking of food (which I usually am) - I just have to throw this out: TAPAS Restaurants PISS ME OFF!!!

Come on!! What the hell is that?! and WHY is it so trendy?! I HATE tapas. Not that the food is bad - it's pretty good actually, but there is NEVER enough!! You can't make a full sized plate of food?!?!?! What really sucks is when you go with a group of people...you get to take like one tiny piece of something and then you have to pass it on....and you feel guilty because the plate is so tiny, so you take this little wee portion and then pray that something else arrives soon. THEN, after like 40 minutes of eating about 7 forkfuls (some not even FULL) of food...you're DONE!? To add insult to injury, they charge you a fortune for it. Like $8 for each little mini-plate. WTF!

Usually when we leave any Tapas restaurant, I beg Josh to stop at Taco Bell so I can actually get something to eat.

Taco Bell: 89 cents worth of dreams fulfilled!!!

Friday, January 30, 2009

Rock, Paper, Scissors

WHY CAN'T I WIN THAT STUPID GAME!?! !

Early on in our relationship, Josh and I agreed that the way to win all "who does the dishes" or other such marital conundrums was to play the best 2 out of 3 of Rock, Paper, Scissors. Rules were firm, no re-do's, no give backs, no pulling out guns, pulling hair or punching Josh in the gut (turns out that is wrong....and I realize that now). Clearly, however, since he left for Iraq, I have fallen woefully out of practice!!!

Just a query for you though: Why and how does paper win over rock?? Even if Paper could cover Rock, couldn't Rock just bust its way out of that? Unless we're talking phone books here, Rock is going to kick Paper's ass. I'm sorry, but this is just a fact!!! I demand a recount!!!

I have no doubt that he has been practicing his skills with anyone he can challenge over there. Since he has returned on R&R, I have been beaten at RPC and forced into cooking and doing the dishes afterward, letting the dogs out, taking the garbage out (which CLEARLY is a boy job, and therefore, Josh should be reported to the proper authorities) and going to get the mail. I can't even guilt him into going to do it with my standard heavy sigh and "No, it's okay. I'll just get all my stuff on and walk out there to the mailbox....no biggidy (SIGH) its not that cold...." He simply says "that's nice dear" and goes back to his Internet research. What is this world coming to when I can no longer manipulate my hubby into doing stuff for me!? Tis an outrage!!

Speaking of outrage (and I do realize this is a totally off subject, but it MUST be said!!) today I was forced to use a public restroom. I do not care to use them, and only do so in the case of an emergency. If I could make it, I probably wouldn't even use them while at work. HOWEVER, everybody knows that there are rules and regulations for public restroom use! In case these rules have been forgotten, or you were raised in a barn, I will provide some of the highlights:

  1. Choosing a stall: Upon entering the bathroom, if there is another person in a stall, you MUST use the furthest stall away from that person. If they are smack in the middle, you need to go the furthest away in either direction. DO NOT under any circumstances take the stall next to that person (especially if it is me, because I will be actively considering whether I should throw something at you over the top or to find a way to lock you in there so you can think about what you have done);
  2. Courtesy Flush: It hurts me that I even have to state this, but please, please, please, poop in the privacy of your own home. I don't need to smell that shit (no pun intended)!! If for some reason you are sick (or have been in Mexico or other foreign location and you are forced to hover for an extended period of time) then take affirmative action to combat any collateral damage! And, if you DO find yourself in this situation, at least have the common courtesy to wait until after I am done washing my hands and have exited to venture out from your stall, or as I like to call it: Ground Zero. I do NOT want to know who you are and/or, GOD FORBID, that you chose not to wash your damn hands after you fouled the public area!!!
  3. Conversation Free Zone: I do not now, and never will want to make friends with you in a public restroom. I do not want to say hello, I do not care how you are, and I probably haven't been outside lately, so have no idea about the weather. I simply want to wash my hands, avert my eyes and never go in there again!! Do not, under any circumstances, attempt to explain your situation (why you couldn't help it) to me or acknowledge your funk in the room. Just let me escape from the living hell you have created.
  4. Flush the Damn Toilet: There is no Toilet Fairy! I shudder to think what the hell is waiting for you at home if you cannot remember that you should flush the toilet in a public restroom (especially when there are witnesses present)! Do what I do: use your foot to flush the toilet. And finally, do not trust that the automatic flusher is going to flush for you. You need to CONFIRM this! #3 above not withstanding, I WILL acknowledge it and call you on it if you do not flush the toilet. If you walk out without washing your hands, I will probably not openly call you on it, but will, however, judge you and point you out to everyone I know as Mrs. Poopyhands....

Only You can prevent public bathroom abuse.

Thursday, January 29, 2009

Generation What the F&%$@

I dread that I am saying this openly....and it saddens me to have to finally acknowledge that I am no longer part of the young, hip, hot, now, wow crowd ...well, maybe the wannabe, warm, maybe later, whoa crowd) HOWEVER, what the hell is up with kids these days!?

What is soooo wrong with only the winners getting the damn trophy?!! I would like to send a warning to you parents out there - you are CREATING MONSTERS for us in the workplace!! What the hell is wrong with teaching your kids some manners and, oh I don't know....a work ethic!?

Seriously (and this is where I get on my preachy soapbox), back in MY day I would never have dreamed of ever speaking disrespectfully to a boss, teacher, policeman, grocery store clerk, or, god forbid -- mom or dad. Why, you ask was I such a saint? Because I knew that my parents would unleash holy hell on me if I acted in such a manner!!!

Back in my day IF I was even allowed to go to the grocery store with my parents (I suspect they wanted 10 minutes of peace away from me -- although WHY, I cannot imagine!? I'm waaay charming dammit...What's not to love!?) I knew better than to throw a fit in the stores or, frankly, to even ask for candy or cookies (which guaranteed no candy or cookies), or run wildly through the aisles. I do recall one outing where I was upset because we couldn't have something other than Corn Flakes or Rice Krispies cereal (Excuse me, but Snap, Krackle, and Pop just ain't gonna cut it...the noise is simply the death song of the crunchiness, rendering the cereal a mushy, tasteless mess). I -- I'm sure politely, and in a quiet manner -- requested Cookie Crisp (MY GOD those are yummy! it's like a bowl of cookies! HOW COOL IS THAT!?). Mom said no. So I might have begged and pleaded a little louder. . . Mom left the cart in the aisle and drug me to the car where she threatened to beat me with a wooden spoon if I didn't behave. She then left me in the car to think about my actions. Even then, even before the day of child snatchers, I was well aware of the dangers of sitting in a car by myself with all the creepy other people walking in the parking lot. (Even though we lived in a small farming town in Montana, population approximately 397, I knew that Old Mr. Howser was a creepy freak and was just waiting to kill me....) I was cured!!! (No wooden spoon was even necessary).

Back in my day if I didn't do my chores or talked back to my parents, they made me go sit by myself in "the Spider Room." Now my parents will probably claim that it was not technically a "Spider Room," but in reality a guest bedroom. However, it WAS a spider room!! There was ALWAYS a spider there. And, it had a scary walk-in closet that my mom put the clown my grandma sent me one Christmas in because I was too scared to have it in my room. (Don't even get me started on how Clowns are evil and are just waiting to kill us all!!) So, the triple threat of Spiders, clowns and alone in the basement cured me but good!!!

Back in my day I was allowed to watch cartoons on Saturday morning -- but only until 0930, and then I had to start my List. Every Saturday, my mom would put two lists up on the fridge of chores, usually starting with "clean your room" and followed by "clean under your bed" which always makes me wonder what the heck I was doing through the week that would necessitate having to clean under my bed EVERY Saturday. However, I do recall hating that list, but LOVING Saturdays. This was BEFORE the age of cartoon network. Back when Cartoons were Special -- kinda like when Charlie Brown or Rudolph was on during the holidays -- that was some exciting times. Knowing that I had a limited window of time, I overcame my inherent laziness and would manage to wake myself up at the butt crack of dawn....running to the basement (amazingly unafraid of the basement on Sat mornings, apparently Cartoons make EVERYTHING better....) to watch the fuzz on TV (yes, TV actually stopped in those days. At what time, I have no idea because my bedtime was 8:00....it was after that) and then, when the rainbow thing came on and they started playing the National Anthem I would leap to attention, cross my heart for about 4 seconds (I was convinced the president would know if you didn't) and then would RUN upstairs to get my daddy, whom I was SURE loved "Hong Kong Fooey" as much as I did. I would burst into their bedroom and shake daddy all the while repeating, "HONG KONG FOOEY'S ON! HONG KONG FOOEY'S ON!!" Then would run back down the stairs so as not to miss the opening song (to which I had created an elaborate choreography). To his credit as a parent, my dad would drag his tired ass all the way to the basement and then pretend to watch Hong Kong Fooey with me while he slept on the couch.

Where was I going with this??

Oh yes, back in my day I had to WORK for my keep. I recall whitewashing the fences during the summer. I had to get up to feed the animals before school...and believe me, gathering eggs from those smelly barely flying rodents called chickens!! God I hated those chickens!! They used to peck your hand if you tried to grab the eggs if they were in the nest and were NOT interested in moving. Being industrious, I quickly learned that if I threw an egg on the floor, ALL the chickens would jump down to start eating the eggs -- it was like The Silence of the Chickens!!! (Little known fact: Chickens will eat ANYTHING! veggies, grain, garbage, pork, CHICKEN, and, undoubtedly, if given the chance -- people. Don't trust them. )

Back in my day if I came home with bad grades, I was punished for them. Maybe I have freakishly hideous parents disguised as mild mannered super sweet people, but my parents NEVER assumed that my teachers were trying to frame me. Frankly, they knew me. They knew I could get good grades if I actually applied myself, but then also knew that when given the option to NOT do my homework and say...watch me some TV...I'd be all over that.

The only thing we didn't have back in my day was having to walk to school in the snow uphill...both ways....that was my parents' day apparently. And they were thankful!

ANYWAY, my point is. Today's kids suck. Do something about that.



Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Costa Rica, We Hardly Knew Ye....

I'm officially in my post-vacation funk. Sometimes I wonder if it is even worth it for me to go on vacation because of the inevitable depression that follows. So let me recount the ways I have to wallow in my bitterness!


This was me PRE-VACATION - on my way TO my vacation....It was such a happy, innocent time....back when I thought life was good, back before I returned to stupid Virginia and snow, and phone calls from work! Uggh!!!! For the record: WORK HONKS! To all you rich people who do not have to GO to work and get to do whatever you want: I HATE YOU.


(In case you were unclear.....just so you know.)




Costa Rica was sunny and 80s or 90s every day....it pretended like it was going to rain on the morning we were leaving, but I think it was just trying to make us feel better about the whole situation. However, Costa Rica is clearly lazy, because it gave up after about 7 minutes and then went back to being sunny and lovely....











Here is a pic of Josh in the rare "still" state, a state not usually found with Josh.....


Let the record relfect that I am not a narcissist - (you will soon note that there are only pics of me here....) Josh just won't let me post any pics of him on this blog. I even had to go back and delete the one that I posted previously. Sorry Josh's family!! You will have to rely on HIM to give you pics of him. I've been denied!!




Here is a pic of the view from our room (which was AWESOME!! Seriously, why on earth would you ever not upgrade to a better room??) However, I'm now frightened because - just like the business class dilemma I am currently facing every time I have to fly and actually pay for my own ticket and, therefore, am forced to sit in coach... (Don't these people know whom I think I am?!?!) Once you have had a kick-ass room, it is UNPOSSIBLE to go back to a regular room with scratchy sheets and no hot tub on the balcony!







Also attached are pics of me in my scuba wear (with the same damn side neck roll, maybe I actually walk around with a side neck roll!! Maybe it's my natural state?? Maybe my mother just gave up trying to take a pic without one?...its kinda sad, really...) Also, note to self: Scuba is not flattering!




And meet my other scuba buddy: We called him Jelly!


I do not like Jelly.


Jelly and his gang of friends stung my face and neck(roll) - coincidentally the ONLY place on me not covered in nature protective gear). I need to go back to check and see if they have some sort of a face protecting helmet for diving.....






And for those of you who saw my wedding photos, I adopted the same stance when faced with an opened bottle of champagne... Charming. However, in my defense, it was an all inclusive resort! i had to get my money's worth!!! We're in an economic slump people!! I can't waste stuff now!!!!



(ummm...Tina! We got some arm work to do here!!! What the hell is that?!?!)






Meet Joe! Joe was our new best friend, probably because I gave him fruit every morning -- which I KNOW I'm not supposed to do, but that first day I had some fruit and Joe was coming right for me....The boy likes his fruit. It was me or the grape...I like me better. Then, after that, it just seemed cruel to deny Joe his fruit.







And for those of you who may think I was still cruel for giving Joe the fruit, here is a pic of Joe when Joe doesn't get fruit!!! There is a REASON Joe wears a mask - he'll flat out take that crap from you if you don't give him what he wants....Seriously! DO NOT MESS WITH JOE!







My one regret on this vacay was that we didn't get to see any damn monkeys!! Every time we were on the dive boat, we'd meet someone (usually Canadian! Seriously! What is up with all the Canadians headed to Costa Rica - as Josh noted, it was nothing but Maple leaves and hockey pucks as far as the eye could see!) they'd comment on how funny the monkeys were and how they were just out there playing in whatever location I was not at that morning. Honestly!! Would it kill them to have the courtesy to show up in the location in which I was currently located?? Can a motha' F-er see a motha-f'in monkey up in this place!?!?!? Alas, no pics of monkeys.


Diving was Stupendous. The dive shop we used was GHETTO!! However, the dive master was fab!! There was this Canadian guy (go figure) Michael we met who had rented equipment for the dive from the shop and it seriously looked like it might have been from Jacques Cousteau's throw away bin. The BCD (vest) wouldn't even inflate. Poor guy had to kick to stay up top! I would have helped him, but he was waaaay over there, and I was concentrating on making sure that Nature was not going to touch me when I wasn't lookin. (he did live though, in case you were wondering....nice guy). Josh and I kept going WWJD? (what would Jeff do - our scuba instructor who was a nazi about rules and regs).


We saw some fab fish and stuff - huge mantas (bigger than the two of us floating over top of him) and all kinds of other rays as well. Tons of fish, Octopus, starfish, seahorse (i didn't get to see the octopus or seahorse, only josh did...he is dead to me!). Even though the shop was ghetto, the dive master was really good and it was not crowded -- which i wasn't truly thankful for until we pulled up to a dive site and saw these other dive boats that looked like a Cuban refugee ship, it was sooo crowded with divers!



There are more photos, Josh will upload them to the Kodak account for you guys. (although, there are certainly a few that will NOT go into that account!! I have a new found respect for anyone who is photographed in a swim suit and does not look like the Michelin man). All in all, we had a great time - and after returning here to a big ole snowstorm, I am more than ready to head out to Sudan!!!

Sunday, January 18, 2009

In the Poo...

Well, remember how I had my big To-Do List?? Remember how I mentioned that someone was supposed to come and pick up the poo in the back yard? (that someone being not me??) Well, THAT was a hint!! NONE of you took it. How RUDE!!! One might question your upbringing....


So, now Josh is home and has declared that We have to pick up poo in the backyard tomorrow before we leave for Costa Rica!! (WHY was I excited for him to come home again??) He went off on some tangent asking how long it was since I picked up the poo, to which I responded, "when was the last time you did it??" Then he asked how I intended to rent out our hovel with a poo-filled backyard. My plan was to just go, "what backyard...that's not ours..." and then run away (and it was foolproof I tell you). What could possibly go wrong!?

Of course, I naturally assume that when he says "we," he means himself and Kernel. I can only assume this because Kernel (pictured above as Exhibit A) is the one who refuses to go #2 on his walk and prefers the privacy of his own backyard. Jack and I do not use the backyard. Why should we be held accountable!?!?


On a separate subject, as you probably gathered....Josh is home!! I picked him up at the airport and we have had a whirlwind visit so far!! Let's see...we went home from the airport -- which, as you may or may not recall, was EXACTLY the fun I had with Mom and Dad when they visited!! (Please make a note to yourself, it is NO FUN to come and visit me. I pretty much refuse to go into DC proper - God help you if you wish to see the monuments or Smithsonian -- you're on your own!)


Anyway, Josh came home and he opened his Christmas gifts from me (I'm waaaay to lazy to mail that crap!) I assume he thinks I am now the best wife ever because I got him the desk Sports Illustrated Swimsuit calendar!! What he doesn't know is that said calendar will mysteriously catch fire before he gets back on the return flight, I don't know HOW that happened....(BRILLIANT) and some sort of GPS thing that Liz' hubby Dan picked out, but I took credit for because I paid for it. (AGAIN, BRILLIANT) So, following receipt of said GPS and mapping CD, Josh has immediately set up at the computer never to be heard from again.... (pic deleted per request from Josh).

I know! Our lives are sooo cosmopolitan trendy. It's like watching an episode of sex-in-the-city, but yet, without any plot or action to speak of.




Saturday, January 17, 2009

Saturday, 17 January....

The day that 2009 was OFFICIALLY RUINED!!

And I had such high hopes for 2009 too. Obama hasn't even been sworn in as President yet, and after all the hype, I finally realized something.

CHANGE SUCKS!!

What the hell was I thinking?! I fear change!!! Everything was just fine when we were pretending everything was fine. Must we change this??

You're probably wondering why I'm in a snit. I had big plans for 17 January...HUGE! As I have mentioned approximately 86 times now, Josh comes home tomorrow morning. So I intended to get up early, clean, do some errands, get my hair trimmed, pedicure -- you know, girl-Spackle... However, I overslept! No biggidy...I'll just clean later.

So I manage to putz around thinking about what I need to do, then head over to the nail salon. (I went to my favorite salon, so I was very excited!! In the summer, Liz and I would shuffle which salon we would go to because we are both sure the ladies are talking about us and how horrid our feet are (they have a point, we gots bad feet)...but we found this perfect one - where the ladies don't even bother to speak to you. They have flat screen TVs, and they play movies whilst you get your toes done. It's perfect!!!)

Its perfect, but it is also busy. I finally sit down in the chair, put my feet in the water and my phone rings. It's work...they've hit rock bottom because they're telling ME I have to come in and help out. CRAP. So I dry my feet off and get up to put my shoes back on. I try to explain to the lady (who doesn't speak English) that I have to go and that I will come back later, but she just seems to be getting angrier and angrier (I can't blame her! I've already put my yucky feet in the water, she's gotta clean that!) So in order to avoid a potential scene, I just make a run for it.

Now I can never go back!!! AND, Now I'm going to have yucky toes in Costa Rica and the locals (and probably Josh) will mock me....because nobody wants to see that shit!! Thanks a lot Jason!!

So, after I finally leave work, I head over to get hair done, and to buy some groceries. Apparently Josh still likes to have food in the house - I hate shopping and tend to buy only things I can eat - which equates to nothing anyone else would ever want.

Question: WHY does the whole damn family have to go to the grocery store?? WHY must mom AND dad go with your three kids in tow? And WHY can't you keep them in the general vicinity of your cart?? For the love of all that is holy...LEASH YOUR KIDS!

A girl who was about 6 (and dressed like she was headed out to go clubbin downtown), was running around with her brother and sister and bumped into my cart. She started to cry. You're such a CRYBABY! However, in my defense, my cart was STOPPED, that kid ran into it. The little biatch started screaming and ran to her mom down the aisle. Then, the smelly pirate ho POINTED AT ME! like this was my fault! THEN, her mom, had the nerve to glare at me!! WTF! I was tempted to take my cart and run them both down right there in the soup aisle.

Would I do time for that do you think?

HOWEVER, now I can't go back to that stupid Harris Teeter because the smelly pirate ho's mom probably had my picture put up on a wanted poster from the security camera footage. BRING IT BITCHES!

So we're not even halfway through the first month of 2009 and I've lost access to both the Grocery store near my house and my favorite nail salon!!! You know I don't like finding new places!!

Anyway, my point is, I just got used to being in my winter-Joshless-rut! Where it didn't matter if my toes were done, my hair was combed, or if I vacuumed up the dog hair tumbleweeds in the corners. WHY MUST THINGS CHANGE?!?!?!

2008 is looking pretty good right now. Remember how great that was?? How I had access to the Harris Teeter right by my house....how I had pretty toes? How I didn't have to go into work on Saturday?? Remember that?

Well. Change is officially here. HAPPY NOW???

Thursday, January 15, 2009

The Day the Tivo Stopped

I must admit, I have gotten quite addicted to not watching commercials because of the blessings of Tivo. In fact, I find I cannot watch a show if I have to sit through the commercials. You know which one is the worst?! I will tell you!!!

First runner up:
Those damn Nutrisytem commercials. Who IS that blond lady that keeps telling us how she is "not your typical girl" because she loves sports (and can apparently catch a football). "Ummm, excuse me ma'am...whoever you are...it's not 1947!" There are LOTS of girls who love sports. Its not just for lesbians anymore!!! Women can do all kinds of things!! We can vote, we can work, we can join the military...wait...Why did we want that again??

However, the worst is:

CashforGold.com

WHAT is that? WHO on earth would ever be so stupid to DO that? And WHY?? At least with Craig's list or ebay you KNOW what you're getting. Seriously, there has to be some mighty stupid people around if they think their Sealed envelope is going to protect their investment?! Send me your gold in an envelope. I will send you an envelope with money (read $7) in it in return. It is safe, reliable and dependable. It's on TV.

This commercial offends me on many levels (I'm going through a list phase, just humor me):

(1) Must they use the stereotypical Jewish grandmother in Florida to talk about how she got so much cash for ALL THE GOLD she'd been hoarding - that she had just laying around?? COME ON!!

(2) The guy that talks about how he got a whole $720 and went on his dream vacation!? Seriously? You DREAM about a vacation that is obviously within driving distance?? Did you take your "winnings" to Foxwoods like that lady who's hubby died after he bought a winning $10 million lottery ticket? (Do you remember that?? When asked what she was going to do with the money her hubby -- after working for a factory for the last 50 years -- bought you right before he died...you are going to take it to the CASINO?) Well, ok. It's good to have goals.

Actually, the last one kinda reminds me of the conversation Josh and I just had about the bonus I received from work. (And we're back to me again...didn't take long, did it?) I was all excited telling him that we were RICH (and by rich I mean, we can pay for the upcoming vet bills now)....and how I was considering spending my bonus money on green contacts, or a bouquet of SHOES, or a pot bellied pig...

Josh (because he sucks) asked if I had, perhaps, considered using it to pay down the mortgage, put it into savings, invest it, or donate to charity.

awkward silence....

OR, maybe I will get Lumineers!!!

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

And You Are? And I Know You From??

That's right! Our wedding. Turns out I AM married!! NOW I remember...it's all coming back to me. . .

I am sooo excited because Josh is going to be home on Sunday! He left for Iraq way back in the day -- the day being about four months ago. Soooo, by my calculations, I have about four months worth of cleaning to do on Saturday. And, I should probably remind the dogs that Daddy is coming home, and once again there will be rules and regulations enforced (for all of us).

However, rules/cleaning aside, I'm super excited. Why you ask? Well, besides the fact that I have not seen my hubby (except in pics - and frankly, he's grown a beard in Iraq that is just freak nasty, or as I like to call it: chick repellent), I have prepared a welcome home list in honor of his return!! I didn't want him to think that we had just moved on and forgotten him...OR, alternatively, a list of things I was either too lazy or too incompetent to do myself! Could go either way:

(1) Lights: another light bulb in the kitchen light fixture is about to go out (its starting to flicker). After the first one went out, I coped. So it's a little dimmer?! I like to think of it as simply mood lighting for the dishes. Airbrushing for the kitchen, if you will. We also apparently have airbrushing going on in the upstairs hallway and basement. Just so we're clear, I'm not a complete idiot, I CAN change a light bulb, but these are SPECIAL light bulbs - and when I say "special," I man the type that is not currently in the laundry room. This type would require a trip to Home Depot -- and THAT, my friends is a bridge to far.

(2) Beeping: SOMETHING is beeping upstairs. I assume it is the smoke detector/radon detector/carbon monoxide detector or "something is going to kill you" detector. WTF!? (a) WHY won't it stop?? Clearly, after four months of beeping (it literally started about 20 minutes after he left), I'm not going to do anything about it - let it go already; and (b) Why on earth did we move into a house that needs to warn us of toxic crap upstairs?!? (Naturally, I now spend most of my time on the lower levels of the house).

(3) Backyard: Somebody should probably pick up the dog poo. I would, but Nature is trying to kill me! -- For those of you who may not recall, last summer I was out mowing the lawn, (I KNOW! Seriously, I AM a good person, aren't I!!) and I noticed some weeds over by the little air conditioner things out back. So, being the saintly wife I am, I went over to go pull out the stuff. WELL, long story shorter than it would be if I were telling you to your face and drinking martinis, turns out those stupid vines were poison ivy. My arms and legs swelled up to about 3x their normal size and the rash spread over 3/4 of my body. Literally, the resulting infection almost killed me!! Therefore, Mother Nature is dead to me. Hence, I am not setting foot in that backyard again. Dead I tell you!!! (and please, no comments or suggestions about wearing protective clothing -- it's picking up dog poo!! I'm just not that interested!!)

(4) Dogs: I have abandoned any and all discipline with the boys. They are fat, they lay on the couch and have no manners. I have to walk them at 0400 in the morning so as not to run into any other well behaved pets. Its getting kinda embarrassing.

(5) Move: We need to move to Khartoum, Sudan in March. Don't think I haven't figured out that Josh decided to take a tour in Iraq JUST SO he wouldn't have to help me on this move. PLUS, I was trying to make the last minute vet appointments to get the boys their international health certificates and was told that most vets in the states have decided NOT to issue those "due to legal reasons." Which one of you sued the vet?! SELFISH!! Now I had to call all over the stupid DC area to find a vet who will do this for us...and naturally they require the dogs to come in for consultations, then THEY have to give them all the shots before they issue the certificate. These dogs are going to bankrupt us!!! I should sue the person who sued the vet and caused me all this trouble.

You know, I was just thinking: If I put as much effort into my work, as I do figuring out ways to justify why I shouldn't have t0 do something, our country would probably be a LOT better off. Hmm....that would have been nice.

However, realistically, its probably not going to happen. Sorry America! You probably shouldn't have hired me.

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

Disillusioned....Disappointed...

Dismayed...Disgusted.....and Distraught!

And my day started out so good too!

After Tina left this am (and her training session didn't even suck! There was pain, yes....but it was over in what seemed like a relatively short period of time - so I count that as good!) I hopped into the shower and was belting out a particularly splendid (if i do say so myself) rendition of Caty Perry's "Hold and Cold" - doing a little happy dance in the shower. (NO! I did not fall and have to call 911! I'm not 72!)

I was shaving my legs and somehow managed to drop the razor onto my foot. (I am now considering expanding the laser hair removal to my legs. Its simply not safe for me to shave.) I am not sure why I thought it was a good idea to do a happy dance and sing whilst I shaved my legs...But in my defense, it really SEEMED like a good idea at the time!

The razor somehow managed to shave off a what appeared to be a Utah sized chunk of skin off the top of my foot!! AND, it wasn't even one of those really scary straight razors that everybody knows barbers use to kill people when we're not looking. It was a stupid Venus plastic razor. Through some miracle of fate, it dropped at the perfect angle to slice off Utah from the top of my foot.

Naturally, I stood very still and stared at it, because I could SEE that something was not right with my foot, but it all seemed kinda fine, just some skin gone....I figured that if I just held perfectly still, my foot would forget ole Utah, and just go on as we were. Nobody really likes Utah anyway....However, my foolproof plan to "Ignore it and Hope it Goes Away" did not pan out!! Just like Old Faithful, the blood welled up and started to flow.

It was like a scene from Psycho! Naturally, all I could think about was the stupid stories my friends who are retired police detectives tell me constantly about how all the dead people they found in their career were always naked. That's right!! You heard me: NAKED.

My two biggest fears: Being found dead naked and/or dying in a food related incident.

Seriously! I would rather die in a shootout during a gang related drug bust on national TV than be found naked, or even worse yet, because I choked on a piece of fruit (oh who am I kidding! I would never choke on fruit) -- inhaled whipped cream up my nose while I was eating pie. And worst of all -- being found dead naked BECAUSE I inhaled whipped cream up my nose while I was eating pie....

I would also like to avoid having to go to the emergency room in that situation as well. Doctors (no matter how cute they appear to be on TV) are NOT nice to you if you've inhaled whipped cream into your lungs. Likely they would think you're trying to do whip hits and you're just an idiot and frankly, your death would be simply culling the herd...which is, in my opinion, better than them realizing that you are just a big pig who talks and laughs with her mouth full.

HOWEVER, that was not the worst part of my day!! After putting a Montana sized piece of toilet paper on my foot to stop the bleeding, I headed into work. Where later in the day it was pointed out that if we were on Gilligan's Island, I would NOT be Ginger...I would be stupid Maryanne. But then, if that was not bad enough...when we switched TV shows (your tax dollars at work, you must be so proud)....they did NOT think I would be Pam on the Office (as I was thinking they would) I would be Angela! Now granted, I am bitchy! I will give them that....but ANGELA?! Come on! Phyllis would have been better! Seriously!? ANGELA!?

I guess I should just be thankful I was not Mrs. Howell.

Monday, January 12, 2009

Save the Polar Bears...

It is officially mid-January. And once again I am bombarded by yet another outrage: Christmas lights!! It is time. Nay! Past time, for you people to take your Christmas lights down (you know who you are!) Although I fully understand, and fully back laziness (both in myself and others), Why....FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY, WHY must you still turn them on!?!?!?

Here is a helpful hint you may not realize: if you do not plug the lights in, people may not notice your laziness, and other people (who will not be named here, and who are totally not me if it ever happens to you...) will not consider toilet papering your house to send a silent message of protest over your extended holiday spirit.

Everybody knows the holidays are OVER. We're already sick of our presents, most have been returned for store credit. There is no more good will toward men. It's January. The month of crabbiness and resentment. (Crabby because we ate so much over the holidays that our clothes no longer fit properly, and resentment because we just got the AMEX bill for the gift we got you and realized we're now unsure whether we actually liked you a whole $72-worth....)

I feel so strongly about my post-Christmas etiquette, it overcomes my inherent laziness! Our decorations come down on the 26th; however, I will grant everyone a grace period until 02 Jan (because I'm a kind and giving person). After that, it is your civic duty to take down those damn lights!!!

If my personal outrage is not enough (and frankly, I cannot imagine how that could possibly be...) did you see the national geographic (or was it discovery channel) special on the polar bears who are dying because of the global warming?? It was sooo sad... there is this poor baby bear they show sinking under the water. It was awful. (I am still a little bit traumatized by that.) After we saw that special, Josh would accuse me of killing the polar bears if I left a light on upstairs....I gotta tell you; it worked! (Note to Self: accuse Josh of causing mental anguish, create list of presents that will alleviate my pain).

So people, if not for me (and the safety of your non-toilet paper covered trees and house) then for goodness sake: Do it for the Polar Bears.

Sunday, January 11, 2009

My Life Would be Perfect if it Weren't for Grace!!

Grace!! She is my arch nemesis and the person upon whom I heap all blame. (The Blame Canada thing was not working, blaming Grace is much more satisfying). Grace is Liz' daughter. She is thin, smart, athletic, pretends to be sweet and respectful, and likes to eat healthy.

I seriously hate her. Stupid Grace!! Therefore, I have decided to devote this entire entry to blog-mock Grace!!!

She looks like a little mini-Liz, but is apparently the Anti-Liz. She and her friends have started this contest to see who can eat the most salad over the year. Its like some sort of freakish cult, like the Moonies or Old People. Plus, she is constantly demanding that Liz do things for her, claiming that as her mother she should: Feed her; drive her to soccer; go to her school functions; and take her shopping for new clothes. I mean, we all know that having kids is at least a five year committment, but COME ON. When will this end?!? She is 13 already!! Why when I was 13 I was already working 40 hour weeks and owned my own house and car. (well, if you get techincal about it, I didn't exactly own, so much as I would put up for sale signs in front of the house to try to sell it when my parents were at work...) Grace, you should really think about becoming more independent.

So you know how Josh is coming home next week right? (I'm super excited because I have his R&R all planned out in my head - how he comes home from Iraq with flowers and spouting compliments and love....sigh...my life will be just like a movie. I'm sure this will happen exactly as I imagine it. What could possibly go wrong??) Anyway, remember how I mentioned that I wanted to lose 162 pounds (give or take 142) before Josh returned?? well, by my calculations (and admittedly MATH IS HARD) I think I have about 172 pounds to go. You know why? I'll tell you why: GRACE!

You know how I went to Liz' house for Christmas, right?? Well Grace was telling this story about how she was learning all kinds of neat stuff (please! Learning is dumb) in French class...and was going on about how they sample french pastry. She started describing the Buche De Leone (or something like that) and how it was this chocolate cake with whipped creme on top and then they roll it up and frost it with fudge...and how fabulous french desserts were.

(A) french desserts are in no way, shape or form Fabulous! Their pies are "tortes," which apparently means that sugar is exposed to the fruit, but never actually comes into contact with it; and

(B) that is a HO HO Grace!!! It doesn't matter what fancy name you give it, 'tis simply a Ho-Ho.

(disclaimer: I must give the french credit for the croissant. And may God bless the man who first decided to put chocolate in the middle!! )

So after I mocked Grace's foray into expanding her cultural knowledge, I then really wanted a Ho-Ho. You can't describe that chocolatty-whipped creamidy goodness and not want one!?

Therefore, the only person who is clearly to blame for my ass and thighs is GRACE! Grace is evil incarnate. So Grace, may you age as I did: as your years expand upwards, may your butt expand outward.

Saturday, January 10, 2009

Food Court Drama

Okay, so last night we had Minoy and Liz over for dinner. Dad made totally yummy lasagna! However, I then caught him red handed giving Kernel Beef Jerky instead of the dog treats. When I called him on it, he explained that "Kernel likes it better." Yes, Daddy...and I like Pie better than veggies, but that doesn't mean that I should be given pie. Please see Tina for further clarification!


Everything was going swimmingly, until we figured out that Josh and I previously decided to throw out the extra stools (because they didn't match!! I didn't want to be THOSE people in our stepford community!! I am already lacking here: I am not a Redskin's wife, I do not have fake boobs and a perpetual tan, and I have to work in order to heat our house and keep Kernel in Beef Jerky) so poor Dad had to sit in a camp chair with a TV tray -- how ghetto is that!?






HILARIOUS!
My parents took approximately 438 pictures in order to get just the right one of Liz, Minoy and I. We were all relieved when mom finally said, "THERE! that's perfect!" and put the camera down. Naturally, being skeptical of my ability to photograph well under any circumstances but in black clothing and in black light, I took a look at the pic.
Apparently, my mother thinks that the photo of me with a SIDE NECK ROLL is the most flattering picture that could ever be taken!! I'm not even sure how I managed to get a neck roll on the side of my neck. It not under the chin (the usual suspect); rather, twas below my ear and above my shoulder. Clearly, I had to work at being that distorted to create that effect. I truly have a gift.
Luckily, my parents live in rural Washington State and still rely on Dial up. Therefore, there is a snowballs chance in hell that those photos will end up online to humiliate me. And for that, I am truly thankful.
And, I have just one minor complaint to lodge. (Its clearly not an entry if I'm not bitching about something.) This afternoon, Liz and I went to the mall because every store in the mall has almost 70% off their stuff (how cool is that?!?!). Little known fact though: if you buy 10 items, it STILL turns out to be expensive??? I will NEVER understand math!!
However, Liz and I are minding our own business, headed to the food court for lunch, and some family is having a HUGE birthday party for what appeared to be 72 children. Okay, (A) Who has a birthday party in a mall food court??; and (B) a MALL FOOD COURT?? (it had to be said twice because WHAT!?) If I were that kid, I'd be totally pissed. Not only were OTHER (read non-invited) kids running around in and out of their "party," but, more alarmingly, Liz and I were shamelessly staring, and sitting right smack in the middle of it!!!

So then! The mother brought out the birthday cake -- which brought any and all conversation between Liz and I to an immediate halt!! Naturally, we were enthralled and then immediately offended. We'd been staring (and sitting in) that birthday party for 10s of minutes and they couldn't even offer us a piece of cake?? SELFISH! Everybody knows if you're going to have birthday cake, you'd better bring enough for the whole food court!! HATEFUL!


Now I want cake. However, in the interest of avoiding another side-neck roll incident, I will abstain.




Friday, January 9, 2009

Blame Canada

Now that I have had a night to think about it, I realized that I may have inadvertently discovered the key to fobbing off all of my shortcomings (of which, my friends, there are many!!) What is this key you ask??

BLAME CANADA.

In the interest of time, I have listed all the reasons why for you:

(a) Are they a real country? They still ask the queen for stuff, but they're not part of the UK? (or are they? Wow. I actually have NO idea...that's pretty sad. Although, I'm moving to Khartoum soon and, frankly, can barely spell it, let alone pretend to know anything about where it is, what is claims to do, or what the issues are. Look! I didn't hire me!! I cannot possibly be blamed for this one...Who's the dummy here??)

(b) They totally f'd up bacon. Canadian bacon is NOT bacon. It's gross, its floppy, unpossible to make crispy..NOT bacon. End of argument. gag

(c) A whole section of their country speaks a different language - granted, sometimes I think people from the South, and Texas in particular may also be borderline, non-english speakers, but still...at least we didn't go french.

(d) Celine Dion.

Not that I have officially identified a fall-guy/fall-country, I will feel more free to just let loose!

In fact!! My most FAVORITE thing to do is to casually tell unmarried boys girley stuff. The look on their faces is priceless...and well worth any humiliation that may follow...For instance, I have recently signed up for laser hair removal. (seriously, how cool is that? Finally, someone listened to my copious complaints of having to wax and shave...for the love of all that is holy...When will it end?!)

BUT, as I have probably mentioned to you all approximately 82 times, I am moving to Khartoum soon...I was terrified that there would not be the same number of salons available to me for waxing and pedicures. Honestly! Do you think Sudan imports the same number of foreigners to run their salons?? I can't have just anyone doing my brows! my god man! I'm not a heathen!! SOOO, I decided to take matters into my own hands.

Now this may shock you; however, there is nothing naturally cute about me. I need layers of Spackle, plucking, tweezing, blow drying and probably some air brushing -- and this is pretty much just so I don't scare small children. Knowing this, and accepting my fate. I signed up as soon as I found a sale. (I am, however, naturally cheap -- I know! I'm a riddle, frankly).

Anyway, my point is that I LOVE to tell unmarried men that I am headed in to "get my laser hair removal on for my Mustachio-bashio..." The look of shock and awe is a sight to behold.

They sit there in utter silence for approximately 3 minutes while they try to determine if what I am saying is not what they think it is, hoping against all hope that perhaps they have just misunderstood me......This is then followed by a small squeak and stutter while they try to say something that will not be offensive to me (give it up boys! there is NOTHING you can say that we cannot turn into an insult in our heads. You would be better off just yelling "LIAR!" and running away.)

You can see every emotion on their face. What makes it even MORE hilarious is that they are clearly thinking that I am the monster -- that I have some sort of carnie freak disorder that would force me to have to seek treatment.

clearly. Because I am the only girl in the world who has to wax.. My God! I am such a freak that they have opened salons in every strip mall in America -- under cover as seemingly benign nail salons, however, they offer waxing services -- on the off chance that I might be in the neighborhood and should ever decide to come in...They're READY!

Yes, your significant other is different.

I wish these men well in their future marriage or relationship when they realize that I was not a super freak....only just an inappropriate share-er. The true carnie freaks would be the ones who have NOT visited those nails salons with the "waxing" neon light in the window.

That said, perhaps you boys might want to consider that it just might not be prudent for you to actually CALL your significant other on her need to wax. Not that I am naming any names Josh, but perhaps like say, coming home and adopting a french accent while you pretend to twirl your mustache curls and going "Oui Oui! Bon Jour!!" and/or referring to it as our "molestache"...I'm just saying....use your best judgement here. And when I say "best," I mean think of what you would do, and then do the opposite.

Good rule of thumb to live by: It's funny when I say it....not so much when you do.

Thursday, January 8, 2009

Earthquake in Costa Rica!! Do NOT panic!

So you know how I mentioned that I was a professional diver now because I personally own all my own matching dive equipment, right?? Well.....I probably haven't told you over and over (like I have everyone within speaking distance) that Josh and I are going on a dive vacay in Costa Rica this month...

See Title.....See above para.....

NOW DO YOU SEE MY WHY I JUST MIGHT PANIC!?

However, initial reports indicate that there was not extensive structural damage, which I take to mean that the bottles of booze at the all-inclusive resort were spared from this tragedy. Now when I asked my mom the pointed questions concerning the safety of my vacation destination, she seemed to imply that I was being a little bit self-centered....However, internet research has proven once again that I am not the most hideous person on the the planet -- Canada is!!!!

So this is the actual headline that comes up when you google "Costa Rica and Earthquake:"

No Canadians killed in Costa Rican earthquake
Canwest News Service January 8, 2009 6:04 PM

There were aboot two children killed in a landslide during the quake, but THANK GOD, eh, they were not Canadians!!! I was aboot to panic until I noticed that the kids were listed as locals or as the Canadians call them "acceptable loss."

Thank goodness I was here to call Canada out for this!!! Its one thing to be un-PC, but really?? do you have to title your headline so obviously??? (Plus, the "e" in earthquake should have been capitalized...not only are the Canadians prejudiced, they're sloppy!!!)

SOOOO, now that I have brought you up to date on the latest international news, let's get back to me and my vacay!!! Naturally, I was dreading the swimsuit portion of the vacation as it has been winter (i.e. tan fat looks better than pasty white winter fat! this is well known!!) and Tina apparently does not have magic superpowers (even though you'd think someone who is in cahoots with Satan would frankly...). However, I have great news to report that assuaged my panic!!

There are homeless people in Reston Town Center!!! Why is this great news you ask? (a BETTER question would be how on earth do they manage to avoid the town center riff-raff patrol...I swear they give ME the evil eye when I go there to shop!!)

ANYWAY, it is great news BECAUSE, the other day when I was walking in the Town Center (toward the fountain, in case any of you want to try to recreate my experience) and I heard a loud whistle -- kinda like those stereotypical construction worker whistles? you know the one?? Well, naturally, I turned around (hoping) and this guy who is obviously homeless, or alternatively, simply has really poor personal hygiene, yells "You're HOT!"

Go on...I'm listening....

Then, he held out his hand for money!! That, my friends, earned him FIVE WHOLE DOLLARS!!!

God bless the homeless of America!!! Helping people feel better about themselves before vacations for Fives of Dollars since 1965.

Wednesday, January 7, 2009

The Public Has Spoken...



And by public, I mean my family (pretty much the only people besides Justin and Minoy who actually read this blog -- and frankly, I'm not so sure Minoy reads it)....Anyway, as I am sure you are all riveted to hear about the the exciting visit that Mom and Dad are having - I thought I should update you on our progress to date:





Dad made life-long friends with Kernell he now regrets this decision.











  1. We went to dinner at Clydes in Ashburn. However, it was a school night, so we had to be home by 8. In case you were wondering, Clydes has a black walnut Cannoli with pear cream filling that is to DIE for (Not that I had it or anything, I mean, it's what I heard...that's the rumor on the street, yo); there were no run-ins with the law (that anyone can prove):
  • I made them dinner at home;- was awarded the "Best Cook EVER" award; found out there was no monetary value attached to that award....I made them do the dishes; we watched a movie. (I had to go to bed after about 15 minutes. ) No adverse effects from dinner were reported. Award still stands...and still no money.

  • Brought my mom to the shoe store. Mom "bought" two pairs of shoes (I cannot confirm that she actually PAID for the shoes -- well, I mean...she IS my mother, I had to have gotten my penchant for crime from somewhere...). She produced a receipt for said shoes, but I cannot vouch for its authenticity.

  • We went to Anothai (YAAAY) with Minoy. Those of you who may not know it, Anothai is the BEST THAI RESTAURANT EVER!!! Waitstaff humiliated us by informing my parents that we didn't require menus anymore, that we likely had them memorized.

As my parents were a captive audience at the restaurant, Minoy and I decided to publicly unveil our new money making/marketing plans. Although they pretended to scoff, I do believe my parents were impressed with our business acumen (pls note that these business plans are the sole property of minoy and michel. Liz may not steal these plans):

  • DoughGum. Donut flavored gum (Glazed-raised, DOOY! Arguably the best donut ever made. Who wouldn't want that!? I would totally chew the hell outta that. We were hoping my parents might want to actually INVENT our gum so that we could market it and make the profits....

  • Vodka-n-Diet Diet. Our newest miracle diet wherein all you drink is vodka (either straight or in martini form) or Diet soda. No food allowed. However, one day a week you may mix vodka and Diet soda as a special treat.

  • DoughTini. With the likely success of DoughGum, the DoughTini is the natural next step. Vodka with a sugar glaze, and a raised donut around the edge of the glass. HOWEVER, as with the key lime martini - which is, for all intents and purposes, LIQUID PIE, it is probably not advisable to drink 3 of the martinis and then order a donut on the side. This is a valuable lesson Minoy and I learned upon ordering a piece of key lime pie to go with our key lime martinis. Turns out you CAN have too much pie....

    I KNOW! I was just as shocked as you were!!

I should probably let you know, as I have frequently been asked (that one time) what the status was on our DoughGum project -- that it is still in the research and development stage, or as we like to call it, the "talk about it, but don't actually ever DO anything" stage.

We will advise if/when DoughGum becomes available. Blog followers may be entitled to a discount, but I kinda doubt it. However, we are currently accepting applications for investors.

Today is Recycling Day....

For safety reasons, and just to be sure I put out the cans and bottles in an unmarked, nondescript plastic trash bag. I'm still not so sure that the Great Bin Fiasco of last Wednesday was an accident.

I suspect cheating, but I cannot prove it.

Tuesday, January 6, 2009

Law and Order....

So many of you may already know that my life's work to date has been to watch Law and Order. In fact, L&O is where I get the majority of my information about the law, courtroom procedure, their lingo and etiquette, and where I learn about what I can and cannot say to cops. Most importantly, however, I used this knowledge to facilitate my recent crime spree in Ashburn.

Further, in my experience, I have found that a good thing to do is to tell retired police officers (especially the retired NYPD officers) about how police procedure works based on your working knowledge of TV and movies... I have tirelessly explained to them that everything you need to know about legal stuff can be learned by watching TV dramas. Another helpful hint: Watch CSI before you escalate crime spree outside of the Ashburn limits.

Therefore, knowing the above, I was naturally SUPER excited to receive a Jury summons in acknowledgement for my life's work from Loudoun County!! Finally, those countless hours of watching TV really paid off!! (SEE JOSH! I knew it would!!) Armed with the knowledge that I would absolutely be the best juror ever, I began to prepare myself:

1. I told everyone that, heretofore, I would be known as "juror number 6;"
2. I sat on the couch for hours the weekend before I was to report and watched a L&O marathon, risking my health and safety - someday I fear I may actually grow into the couch. I'm not really sure how that happens, but I see it on discovery channel happening to all kinds of people -- clearly, it is only a matter of time -- so that I would be the best juror in the history of Loudoun County;
3. I grilled my retired police detective friends on how to judge the guilt of a defendant. (I was told that the defendant would not be at trial if he were innocent...good thing to know!); and
4. I carefully read the jury summons (well, at least the first part when it told me the time and date. Then it got super boring and it was BOTH SIDES of the paper. I mean seriously! Who has that kinda time!?)

Few points you may not actually know about jury duty...
a. There are about 100 people in their "pool" to choose from. However, I was waaaay cuter than most and I spoke good English. I had a job and non-smelly clothing, AND I brushed my teeth prior to arrival! There was NO WAY I was going to be cut from the pool.
b. There is no water in a jury pool, no floaties, and you should not actually show up in a swim suit;
c. You have to sit in the room full of smelly, non-english speakers for HOURS before you even see a courtroom.
d. The lady at the reception desk does NOT LIKE IT if you didn't cut out your juror badge prior to arrival and you ask to borrow some scissors.
e. The lady who calls the names apparently cannot read. Not only did she mess up my name (which is understandable) she messed up a lady named Anne Ebol -- called her Annie Ebola.... When she corrected her, I admit I giggled; and
f. They PAY you $30 for volunteering for duty!!

Imagine my shock and horror when I am CUT from the jury pool. ME!? Don't they know who I think I am!?!?!? I OBJECT! Not to mention the fact that I could totally tell that guy was guilty! I didn't need to waste time with "facts" or "evidence" -- I could tell just by lookin' at him!! I can judge people like nobody's business!! Its what I DO....its how I roll...it's probably even who I am!

Then, to add insult to injury: they sent me a form TAXING me on their stupid $30!!! So in essence, I lost money on this!

Loudoun County is dead to me.

You know who else is dead to me? JEFF!! He insulted the blog and did not see the validity of the "points" herein (SEE! How great of a juror would I have been?!)

Clearly, Jeff is not aware that I not only hold grudges (this is well known) but I have been known to declare Jihad for no apparent reason. In fact, Minoy and I declared Jihad on a pub here in Ashburn called "kirkpatricks" when they hosted a private party on new years and wouldn't let us in (this was the year of the cloves, as it is commonly known as...) Where is kirkpatricks now you ask? CLOSED!!

Be afraid Jeff!! Be very afraid!

You have two days to buy my affection back. I demand a plan outlined in triplicate, submitted to me, minoy and liz. We will convene a meeting to discuss whether we can forgive this slander.

Monday, January 5, 2009

My Life of Crime in Ashburn

Okay, so remember when I told you how I was an unfortunate victim of crime? How I was wronged and how Ashburn honked?? WEELLL....I decided to take my hood back!! I was going to Jack someone ELSE's recycling bin. To pay it forward, if you will....

Okay! So No shit, there I was!!! This morning at approximately 0437, I brought the boys out for their morning walk per our standard operating procedure (SOP)...On the return I noticed an unattended recycling bin. I made the decision and went for it!!!

Now you may or may not know, this is not my first foray into the dark side! However, this was not Tampa, and this was not sunglasses, and this was not a mistake! (see Liz for details). This was SERIOUS! My crime spree had escalated to trash bins, and not just regular bins -- LABELED trash bins! What is next for me is anybody's guess...I could, frankly, go either way at this point! Best bet is by next year I will have escalatied to the candy section of the nearest 7-11...

I quickly formulated an elaborate plan: I would jack the bin, take it back under cover of darkness to my garage, seal off all the entryways, and then, using my kitchen blowtorch (rated for creme brulee's), burn off the address of the real owners and write "Michel's BIN" in magic marker, or, more likely, crayon.

It was foolproof.

Not wanting to be caught red handed (or in this case, fuzzy mitten handed) I made my way nonchalantly in the direction of the unattended recycling bin. I used my dogs as scouts, sending them in first to ensure the bin was not an elaborate trap (which I also considered setting, but was too lazy to follow through with this one). I checked to ensure there were no lights in the townhouse....And I made my move! I grabbed the bin and ran in a serpentine across the street, back to our house!!

Shoving the dogs into the house, I quickly entered the garage, locked the doors and turned on the lights....

I KNOW! how exciting is this story!?

Turns out, I might have overreacted and may have slandered my hood needlessly. As it so happens, it was our bin. Even had our address written on it. Josh is very conscientious...

How could I have been sooo mistaken you ask?? As it happens, last time we put out the recycling, there was a HUGE wind storm...and apparently, the people who pick up the recycling put MY recycling bin - over at the neighbors house!! Now clearly, there was NO WAY this could have ever been known (to me) -- it was unknowable.

Now Liz (who likes to post comments as anonymous and is not fooling anyone) will likely comment that she TOLD me to go check the bin that was sitting out on the corner in front of the for sale sign for about 4 days...Naturally, like yourselves, I assumed this was crazy talk...

Liz is not crazy after all.

I should write a strongly worded letter to the people at AAA Recycling so that they fully understand the implications of their actions. How a quiet suburb could be labeled a hood and residents needlessly turn to gangsta rap....But, I think we all know by now that won't happen.

Sunday, January 4, 2009

Indians and Indians

Okay, so my lovely hubby FINALLY logged on to read the blog -- and then called to tell me: "Anybody can read that shit! Don't use my name!"

Okay Josh! I hear you Josh. You win Josh. I will not mention your name, Josh, in the blog.

Josh is truly a saint because he puts up with me -- and has not left me yet....yet. However, in my defense, there is no way he didn't this one coming!!

So mom and dad are here and we are having an EXCITING time here in Virginia! So far, we've driven home from the airport....And dad is "defraging" the old 'puter. Naturally, I told Josh it was broken, but turns out it just had 2 million stored temporary cookies. Frankly, I'm shocked that I allowed ANY cookies to store unattended! It's simply not my way.

My neice Amanda has indicated that I need to have a Facebook page...but I think that might be pushing my technological limits. Its pretty much touch-n-go every time I plug in my iPod in to recharge and download new songs. It could go any day now and then Josh would have to pay for a new one. Naturally, Liz' 13 year old would push a button and fix it, and then we'd have two iPods, like we now have 2 'puters. Stop being so wasteful Amanda!! SELFISH!

Speaking of Amanda....Manda is my neice and I refuse to say her age because it makes me feel hideously old, which would then make Laurie and Brandy bummed out...and we're just not going to go there. However, Manda is recently engaged to Darren and they are both in Spokane, WA.... Now, here is where it gets interesting:

My family, and therefore, Amanda is part Indian (Casino, Not Slurpee)
Darren is Indian (dot, not feather)

WHAT WILL I CALL THEIR CHILDREN!? (7-11 IN the Casino??)

Now before you get all high-horsey offended...I am not racist...I'm just ill-bred. PLUS, I'm part Indian (reservation, not Gandhi), so i have the right to offend my people and clearly the race of people who have the misfortune to want to join our family. Best of luck to you Darren.

Okay, So while I am on the subject of Indians (Arrow, not Ganesh) -- I'm going to run out of those, so will have to give up pretty soon -- While I was driving to work the other day on (rte 7) I noticed that the road is TOTALLY trashed with old plastic bags, somebody's lazy boy chair (what!? You can't use Craig's List people?), and some random cans and bottles (never diet soda, by the way!! I'm just sayin.....wasn't me!)

What we NEED is that Indian to come and stand by the side of the road and cry. Remember that one?? where he looks at the trash and a single tear runs down his face??

However, we're short on Indians (Teepee, not Taj Mahal) here in VA! Minoy is part, but I think people might just mock her or I if we stood by the road and cried. They'd think someone stole our coldstone (because that WOULD be a reason to cry people). What we need is to import an older male Indian (wigwam, not Bollywood)! Mom! Go see what Grandpa is doing. I gots a job for him!!!

Now that I have probably offended many, many people...most of whom are members of my or Minoy's family...I will bid you adieu. However, I will leave you with a topic for discussion:

I saw an Asian Lady Driving a PT Cruiser Last Night!!!

Yes, I know. I am going to hell.....but still! it kinda freaked me out!! I have only ever seen Asian people in Honda's, Toyota's or high end cars like Mercedes, Jags, etc. NEVER a Chrysler or (God forbid) Chrysler or Ford! COMBINED with the fact that PT cruisers really make me angry (not sure why, don't care enough to find out) - it threw me off.

SO! Discuss amongst yourselves!! And while you're doing that! Wish Qorn's wife Barbara a happy birthday!!!

Saturday, January 3, 2009

Mom & Dad Are Coming!!!

And amazingly enough, Josh is out of town! Coincidence??? I think not.

In fact, I've figured it out; he PLANNED the whole tour in Iraq so he would miss this. Not the parents, as far as I know, he actually likes my parents (he'd totally tell me, right?? OF COURSE!) He didn't want to be here for the cleaning. I can't have mom and dad see how we REALLY live -- and they certainly cannot see how I live when josh is out of town!! Good God man! That's crazy talk.

However, I stopped my frantic cleaning because Liz and I solved America's problems this afternoon and I figured everyone would want to know.... I HAD to stop cleaning. You know how I feel about America! I mean, I am a patriot! I work for the government and whenever there is a situation where I would have to choose sides on a particular issue, 2 out of 10 times I would totally side with America.

Anyway, what we figured out is how to get the critical information from terrorists without resorting to water boarding or other non-Geneva Convention type things: We BLEACH THEIR TEETH!

Because OMG!!! WHAT THE HELL IS THAT!?!

Honestly, WHAT IS THAT!? And WHY does my dentist hate me that much?! I Brush! I flossed that one time! I am not even sure it really bleaches your teeth!! But it SURE bleaches your gums. Ladies, I have found a miracle diet. Bleach your teeth and you will be unable to chew food. (I've copyrighted this! don't steal it Minoy, Brandy, Laurie, Amanda...LIZ! I'm onto you guys!!)

Then, for the most hardened of criminals who are not broken by the teeth bleaching...we feed them Captain Crunch! Do you remember that?? Remember how it totally cuts up the top of your mouth?? But you still eat it because it is so damn yummy??

THEN, if those people that always ruin stuff because they care about people, the environment, humanity, etc...whatever!! ... If they start to raise a fuss that it is cruel and unusual (because it kinda is...I've been through both!) we simply tell them that we were only HELPING the terrorists. Once the do-gooders set them free, they will be able to return home with sparkling white teeth (and bleeding gums).

I Miss Marley!!!!

So today Liz and I went to see Marley and Me at the theater. I'm always super excited to go to the real theather because I NEVER go - not only is it expensive to go, it's not that close to my house and I cannot seem to go to a movie without popcorn and milk duds.

Today, however, I was strong...I went dud-less. Not really because I have any sort of willpower, but because I have to go to the dentist again (I IKNOW, right!?!! Me willingly go to the dentist?! It totally shocked me too!) My appointment is next week and I don't want him to yell at me for having a layer of dud surrounding and coating my teeth. AND, as everyone knows, the dud can withstand pretty much everything -- heat, cold, solvents -- and is also capable of bonding so tightly that you have trouble opening your mouth!! Honestly, I've had some dicey moments where I was sure that I was going to pull out a tooth trying to chew those things!!

However, THIS is not my point. My point is -- I totally underestimated the sadness of the flick and my personal sappiness!! Liz, alternatively, did not. Armed with napkins and Kleenex, we watched the show. To her credit, Liz did tell me that it was probably not a good idea for me to go - pointed out that I tend to lean toward the drama, and am borderline bat-shit crazy when it comes to my pets. (Tis true, she has a point).

I gotta tell you, it was a GOOD movie. Better book.

BUT, you should probably also be warned...the book had me sobbing; the movie took the same sadness and then overlaid a montage of happy Marley memories over top. IT GOT UGLY!! Frankly, it took all I had in me not to put my head down in my hands and sob!! But I was stronger!! I simply snuffled, hiccuped a few times, and blew my nose multiple times.

I'm not sure how I will go on. I really loved Marley. It seems like I only had him for such a short time, almost like he wasn't actually my dog....

Friday, January 2, 2009

I Gots Me A Present!!

So, you know how I am into Gansta' Rap??

(Not really, I'm just trying to up my street creds so I can assimilate into my new crime ridden hood....)

Just so everyone knows, I have the BEST HUSBAND EVER!!! (And no, Minoy, I did not remarry.)

Why? You ask?? Because he bought me PRESENTS!!! A REGULATOR, dive computer, and all those other critically important dealey-bobbers for our upcoming scuba vacation!! Now I will not have to be ghetto fab and rent equipment!

For your background, my in laws (Mark and Debbie, in case you forgot which ones you were) sent me a gift certificate for our local dive shop (THANK YOU!!) - so I went in to get me some diving gloves!!! I totally need those!!! Remember how I said that I loved Nature?? Well I do, but I kinda don't want nature to touch me -- so you can see the NEED... Coincidentally however, the shop had a sale on the BCDs (the vests that hold your tank on so you don't die) so I HAD to get one. I didn't want to DIE, and also it totally matched my wetsuit!

Unfortunately, however, the BCD and the gloves (there was no way I was not getting the gloves....NATURE!!! remember?!) well, combined they were a little bit more than the gift certificate. I mean, just a tad.....but it was a SALE! And the economy is bad!!!! Do you want our economy to fail? DO YOU HATE AMERICA! I am doing my part to save the economy....would it kill you guys to write me a thank you card!?

Well, I felt kinda guilty - seeing as how my wonderful, generous hubby is working 18 hour days, 7 days a week in Iraq and I was at home doing a half-assed job of cleaning the house (because Josh is not here to call me on it! FOCUS people....) -- and I fessed up. BUT I pointed out that I did not purchase the regulator and dive computer because I can only push my selfishness so far (mostly because my mom would like find out and call me on it, not really because I am a good person).

I am, however, suspicious. Josh is not known for his good deeds!! I suspect this stems from when I informed him of my new technological savvy and he mocked my blog! (I KNOW!! I was aghast too!) BUT, when i pointed out my cutting edginess, and informed him that he was just jealous because I like to try new things - he said "Yes, if by 'New Things' you mean the new Doritos that just came out -- then Yes! You DO like to try new things..." Naturally, I could not let this blatant slander pass, and informed him that THIS was going in my Blog!!!

He was scared.


Luckily for Josh, I am a forgiving, saintly wife and my affection can easily be bought with a cookie or new stuff... Thank you Josh! I love you!!!


SOOO, moral of this story? I am now a scuba pro: I have all my own equipment, and it totally matches!

I am currently accepting sponsors.

Thursday, January 1, 2009

Crime on the Mean Streets of Ashburn

I am a victim of CRIME!

Its official: we live in the ghetto. Somebody viciously and cruelly stole my trash recycling container thing!!

What am I supposed to do with my cans and bottles now!?!

Where would you even FIND another one. When I was younger, and first married, I assumed that the recycling fairy brought each house their bin...now, I'm not so sure. I am no longer that naive and now just think that houses are built with one in the garage.

One smartass pointed out that the number of the recycling company is on the side of the bin and that I should just call them -- WELL, if i had a BIN to get the number from I probably wouldn't need to call them!! Now would I???

I will simply leave my cans and bottles on the sidewalk in a neat little pile and hope that the recycling fairy brings me a new bin.

THIS IS WHY WE CAN'T HAVE NICE THINGS ASHBURN!!!

Introducing The Boys!!!











These are my babies. What makes this post sooooo funny to me is that my husband is cringing right now that I am publicly calling them our babies!! In the interest of fair parenting though, I feel I must give a shout out to little N'Golo whom we sponsor in Mali, I gotta tell you -- these boys frankly spend more time with me. Would it kill you to write me a letter N'GOLO!?
The Rottweiler is Kernel. He is the baby of the family. Jack, aka "Poodies" came with me into the marriage. Poods is going on 11 years old. I rescued him while posted to Peshawar, Pakistan. However, he doesn't know he is Pakistani, so I would appreciate it if you didn't mention it to him....
Jack and Josh have a love-hate relationship. Okay, well, maybe more of just a mutual hate. They are basically each others' arch nemesis... Jack is unsure why I let Josh and Kernel continue to stay in our house, and Josh claims Jack is not a real dog (hence the overcompensation with the purchase of a Rottweiler!!!) Although to be fair, Jack is an old man. He has certainly earned his right to be cranky and lay around. Josh, when you are 77 we'll see how friendly you are.....
Kernel? He loves everyone. Sometimes too much. Please ask Liz if you have any questions about Kernel's loves....he really really loves her!! She left here today with a greater appreciation of her dog, Kona!! (You are welcome Dan!) Sometimes an aloof dog is not the worst thing in the world.
Speaking of Liz: We had a sleepover last night for New Years! (I know, you're all jealous of our big city lifestyle!!) Her hubby, Dan let her come stay with me since Josh is still in Iraq. We watched girlie movies and ate pizza (PLEASE DON'T TELL TINA!!!) However, I gotta get this out! Did you watch Dick Clark's Rockin New Year's Eve?? WHEN DID IT GO SO WRONG!?
Okay, (a) Dick clark just made me uncomfortable. It kinda seems like they were exploiting him!! It was just sad and wrong.
(b) Who is kellie Pickler and why did they let her come to New York?! And while I'm on the subject of country....WHY was the show FILLED with country music, 80s has beens, and disney channel freakshows? They couldn't get anyone else!?!?!; and
(c) Did anyone else notice that NOBODY was there?? they kept claiming that the crowds were huge despite it being bitterly cold....however, when they panned the crowd there were a few huddled there, but then you literally saw a large open street in the back. That's just sad.
Also, I've always been confused by the whole Times Square on New Year's thing...WHY do people want to go there? What on earth is the draw?? if it was the free music, then methinks there are some VERY disappointed people....but here are some key points:
  • There are usually thousands of people standing in the streets. To go, you would have to get there very early and stand around and wait for something to happen!! Key point there being STAND! (Please refer to my laziness posted previously) Why would anyone want to STAND for hours on end in a mass of PEOPLE... And if you are not getting my point with the caps...these are OTHER PEOPLE. People you don't know, and (if its me we're talking about - and let's face it! It's my blog! we're always talking about me and my issues!! Its a fascinating subject!!) I tend to HATE people I don't know. Okay, maybe I don't hate them, but I can guarantee that I do not like them and certainly don't want to stand near them, OR, God Forbid, make conversation with them!! For heaven's sake, I fake some emergency crisis that forces me to search for something in my purse in church during the part where they force you to say "peace be with you" in mass!! I'm certainly not going to make chit chat in a crowd with someone when there is clearly no God points to be earned ...
  • You cannot DRINK in Times Square. Needs no explanation! What is the point; and
  • Where would you go to the Bathroom? I have to give Minoy credit for this one! She pointed out yet another reason for this posting!! Its not like the stores would let you use their restroom. OR, porta potties? PLEASE!! All those other people (whom we already established that we HATED) use those porta-potties! there is NO WAY...plus, can you imagine what kinda STUFF (yucky medical disease sounding stuff) is in there ??

I think I just threw up a little bit in my mouth after that one.