Friday, January 30, 2009

Rock, Paper, Scissors


Early on in our relationship, Josh and I agreed that the way to win all "who does the dishes" or other such marital conundrums was to play the best 2 out of 3 of Rock, Paper, Scissors. Rules were firm, no re-do's, no give backs, no pulling out guns, pulling hair or punching Josh in the gut (turns out that is wrong....and I realize that now). Clearly, however, since he left for Iraq, I have fallen woefully out of practice!!!

Just a query for you though: Why and how does paper win over rock?? Even if Paper could cover Rock, couldn't Rock just bust its way out of that? Unless we're talking phone books here, Rock is going to kick Paper's ass. I'm sorry, but this is just a fact!!! I demand a recount!!!

I have no doubt that he has been practicing his skills with anyone he can challenge over there. Since he has returned on R&R, I have been beaten at RPC and forced into cooking and doing the dishes afterward, letting the dogs out, taking the garbage out (which CLEARLY is a boy job, and therefore, Josh should be reported to the proper authorities) and going to get the mail. I can't even guilt him into going to do it with my standard heavy sigh and "No, it's okay. I'll just get all my stuff on and walk out there to the biggidy (SIGH) its not that cold...." He simply says "that's nice dear" and goes back to his Internet research. What is this world coming to when I can no longer manipulate my hubby into doing stuff for me!? Tis an outrage!!

Speaking of outrage (and I do realize this is a totally off subject, but it MUST be said!!) today I was forced to use a public restroom. I do not care to use them, and only do so in the case of an emergency. If I could make it, I probably wouldn't even use them while at work. HOWEVER, everybody knows that there are rules and regulations for public restroom use! In case these rules have been forgotten, or you were raised in a barn, I will provide some of the highlights:

  1. Choosing a stall: Upon entering the bathroom, if there is another person in a stall, you MUST use the furthest stall away from that person. If they are smack in the middle, you need to go the furthest away in either direction. DO NOT under any circumstances take the stall next to that person (especially if it is me, because I will be actively considering whether I should throw something at you over the top or to find a way to lock you in there so you can think about what you have done);
  2. Courtesy Flush: It hurts me that I even have to state this, but please, please, please, poop in the privacy of your own home. I don't need to smell that shit (no pun intended)!! If for some reason you are sick (or have been in Mexico or other foreign location and you are forced to hover for an extended period of time) then take affirmative action to combat any collateral damage! And, if you DO find yourself in this situation, at least have the common courtesy to wait until after I am done washing my hands and have exited to venture out from your stall, or as I like to call it: Ground Zero. I do NOT want to know who you are and/or, GOD FORBID, that you chose not to wash your damn hands after you fouled the public area!!!
  3. Conversation Free Zone: I do not now, and never will want to make friends with you in a public restroom. I do not want to say hello, I do not care how you are, and I probably haven't been outside lately, so have no idea about the weather. I simply want to wash my hands, avert my eyes and never go in there again!! Do not, under any circumstances, attempt to explain your situation (why you couldn't help it) to me or acknowledge your funk in the room. Just let me escape from the living hell you have created.
  4. Flush the Damn Toilet: There is no Toilet Fairy! I shudder to think what the hell is waiting for you at home if you cannot remember that you should flush the toilet in a public restroom (especially when there are witnesses present)! Do what I do: use your foot to flush the toilet. And finally, do not trust that the automatic flusher is going to flush for you. You need to CONFIRM this! #3 above not withstanding, I WILL acknowledge it and call you on it if you do not flush the toilet. If you walk out without washing your hands, I will probably not openly call you on it, but will, however, judge you and point you out to everyone I know as Mrs. Poopyhands....

Only You can prevent public bathroom abuse.

No comments: