Sunday, January 11, 2009

My Life Would be Perfect if it Weren't for Grace!!

Grace!! She is my arch nemesis and the person upon whom I heap all blame. (The Blame Canada thing was not working, blaming Grace is much more satisfying). Grace is Liz' daughter. She is thin, smart, athletic, pretends to be sweet and respectful, and likes to eat healthy.

I seriously hate her. Stupid Grace!! Therefore, I have decided to devote this entire entry to blog-mock Grace!!!

She looks like a little mini-Liz, but is apparently the Anti-Liz. She and her friends have started this contest to see who can eat the most salad over the year. Its like some sort of freakish cult, like the Moonies or Old People. Plus, she is constantly demanding that Liz do things for her, claiming that as her mother she should: Feed her; drive her to soccer; go to her school functions; and take her shopping for new clothes. I mean, we all know that having kids is at least a five year committment, but COME ON. When will this end?!? She is 13 already!! Why when I was 13 I was already working 40 hour weeks and owned my own house and car. (well, if you get techincal about it, I didn't exactly own, so much as I would put up for sale signs in front of the house to try to sell it when my parents were at work...) Grace, you should really think about becoming more independent.

So you know how Josh is coming home next week right? (I'm super excited because I have his R&R all planned out in my head - how he comes home from Iraq with flowers and spouting compliments and life will be just like a movie. I'm sure this will happen exactly as I imagine it. What could possibly go wrong??) Anyway, remember how I mentioned that I wanted to lose 162 pounds (give or take 142) before Josh returned?? well, by my calculations (and admittedly MATH IS HARD) I think I have about 172 pounds to go. You know why? I'll tell you why: GRACE!

You know how I went to Liz' house for Christmas, right?? Well Grace was telling this story about how she was learning all kinds of neat stuff (please! Learning is dumb) in French class...and was going on about how they sample french pastry. She started describing the Buche De Leone (or something like that) and how it was this chocolate cake with whipped creme on top and then they roll it up and frost it with fudge...and how fabulous french desserts were.

(A) french desserts are in no way, shape or form Fabulous! Their pies are "tortes," which apparently means that sugar is exposed to the fruit, but never actually comes into contact with it; and

(B) that is a HO HO Grace!!! It doesn't matter what fancy name you give it, 'tis simply a Ho-Ho.

(disclaimer: I must give the french credit for the croissant. And may God bless the man who first decided to put chocolate in the middle!! )

So after I mocked Grace's foray into expanding her cultural knowledge, I then really wanted a Ho-Ho. You can't describe that chocolatty-whipped creamidy goodness and not want one!?

Therefore, the only person who is clearly to blame for my ass and thighs is GRACE! Grace is evil incarnate. So Grace, may you age as I did: as your years expand upwards, may your butt expand outward.

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