Saturday, January 3, 2009

Mom & Dad Are Coming!!!

And amazingly enough, Josh is out of town! Coincidence??? I think not.

In fact, I've figured it out; he PLANNED the whole tour in Iraq so he would miss this. Not the parents, as far as I know, he actually likes my parents (he'd totally tell me, right?? OF COURSE!) He didn't want to be here for the cleaning. I can't have mom and dad see how we REALLY live -- and they certainly cannot see how I live when josh is out of town!! Good God man! That's crazy talk.

However, I stopped my frantic cleaning because Liz and I solved America's problems this afternoon and I figured everyone would want to know.... I HAD to stop cleaning. You know how I feel about America! I mean, I am a patriot! I work for the government and whenever there is a situation where I would have to choose sides on a particular issue, 2 out of 10 times I would totally side with America.

Anyway, what we figured out is how to get the critical information from terrorists without resorting to water boarding or other non-Geneva Convention type things: We BLEACH THEIR TEETH!


Honestly, WHAT IS THAT!? And WHY does my dentist hate me that much?! I Brush! I flossed that one time! I am not even sure it really bleaches your teeth!! But it SURE bleaches your gums. Ladies, I have found a miracle diet. Bleach your teeth and you will be unable to chew food. (I've copyrighted this! don't steal it Minoy, Brandy, Laurie, Amanda...LIZ! I'm onto you guys!!)

Then, for the most hardened of criminals who are not broken by the teeth bleaching...we feed them Captain Crunch! Do you remember that?? Remember how it totally cuts up the top of your mouth?? But you still eat it because it is so damn yummy??

THEN, if those people that always ruin stuff because they care about people, the environment, humanity, etc...whatever!! ... If they start to raise a fuss that it is cruel and unusual (because it kinda is...I've been through both!) we simply tell them that we were only HELPING the terrorists. Once the do-gooders set them free, they will be able to return home with sparkling white teeth (and bleeding gums).

No comments: