So many of you may already know that my life's work to date has been to watch Law and Order. In fact, L&O is where I get the majority of my information about the law, courtroom procedure, their lingo and etiquette, and where I learn about what I can and cannot say to cops. Most importantly, however, I used this knowledge to facilitate my recent crime spree in Ashburn.
Further, in my experience, I have found that a good thing to do is to tell retired police officers (especially the retired NYPD officers) about how police procedure works based on your working knowledge of TV and movies... I have tirelessly explained to them that everything you need to know about legal stuff can be learned by watching TV dramas. Another helpful hint: Watch CSI before you escalate crime spree outside of the Ashburn limits.
Therefore, knowing the above, I was naturally SUPER excited to receive a Jury summons in acknowledgement for my life's work from Loudoun County!! Finally, those countless hours of watching TV really paid off!! (SEE JOSH! I knew it would!!) Armed with the knowledge that I would absolutely be the best juror ever, I began to prepare myself:
1. I told everyone that, heretofore, I would be known as "juror number 6;"
2. I sat on the couch for hours the weekend before I was to report and watched a L&O marathon, risking my health and safety - someday I fear I may actually grow into the couch. I'm not really sure how that happens, but I see it on discovery channel happening to all kinds of people -- clearly, it is only a matter of time -- so that I would be the best juror in the history of Loudoun County;
3. I grilled my retired police detective friends on how to judge the guilt of a defendant. (I was told that the defendant would not be at trial if he were innocent...good thing to know!); and
4. I carefully read the jury summons (well, at least the first part when it told me the time and date. Then it got super boring and it was BOTH SIDES of the paper. I mean seriously! Who has that kinda time!?)
Few points you may not actually know about jury duty...
a. There are about 100 people in their "pool" to choose from. However, I was waaaay cuter than most and I spoke good English. I had a job and non-smelly clothing, AND I brushed my teeth prior to arrival! There was NO WAY I was going to be cut from the pool.
b. There is no water in a jury pool, no floaties, and you should not actually show up in a swim suit;
c. You have to sit in the room full of smelly, non-english speakers for HOURS before you even see a courtroom.
d. The lady at the reception desk does NOT LIKE IT if you didn't cut out your juror badge prior to arrival and you ask to borrow some scissors.
e. The lady who calls the names apparently cannot read. Not only did she mess up my name (which is understandable) she messed up a lady named Anne Ebol -- called her Annie Ebola.... When she corrected her, I admit I giggled; and
f. They PAY you $30 for volunteering for duty!!
Imagine my shock and horror when I am CUT from the jury pool. ME!? Don't they know who I think I am!?!?!? I OBJECT! Not to mention the fact that I could totally tell that guy was guilty! I didn't need to waste time with "facts" or "evidence" -- I could tell just by lookin' at him!! I can judge people like nobody's business!! Its what I DO....its how I roll...it's probably even who I am!
Then, to add insult to injury: they sent me a form TAXING me on their stupid $30!!! So in essence, I lost money on this!
Loudoun County is dead to me.
You know who else is dead to me? JEFF!! He insulted the blog and did not see the validity of the "points" herein (SEE! How great of a juror would I have been?!)
Clearly, Jeff is not aware that I not only hold grudges (this is well known) but I have been known to declare Jihad for no apparent reason. In fact, Minoy and I declared Jihad on a pub here in Ashburn called "kirkpatricks" when they hosted a private party on new years and wouldn't let us in (this was the year of the cloves, as it is commonly known as...) Where is kirkpatricks now you ask? CLOSED!!
Be afraid Jeff!! Be very afraid!
You have two days to buy my affection back. I demand a plan outlined in triplicate, submitted to me, minoy and liz. We will convene a meeting to discuss whether we can forgive this slander.
The Very Best Day
5 hours ago