Tuesday, January 13, 2009


Dismayed...Disgusted.....and Distraught!

And my day started out so good too!

After Tina left this am (and her training session didn't even suck! There was pain, yes....but it was over in what seemed like a relatively short period of time - so I count that as good!) I hopped into the shower and was belting out a particularly splendid (if i do say so myself) rendition of Caty Perry's "Hold and Cold" - doing a little happy dance in the shower. (NO! I did not fall and have to call 911! I'm not 72!)

I was shaving my legs and somehow managed to drop the razor onto my foot. (I am now considering expanding the laser hair removal to my legs. Its simply not safe for me to shave.) I am not sure why I thought it was a good idea to do a happy dance and sing whilst I shaved my legs...But in my defense, it really SEEMED like a good idea at the time!

The razor somehow managed to shave off a what appeared to be a Utah sized chunk of skin off the top of my foot!! AND, it wasn't even one of those really scary straight razors that everybody knows barbers use to kill people when we're not looking. It was a stupid Venus plastic razor. Through some miracle of fate, it dropped at the perfect angle to slice off Utah from the top of my foot.

Naturally, I stood very still and stared at it, because I could SEE that something was not right with my foot, but it all seemed kinda fine, just some skin gone....I figured that if I just held perfectly still, my foot would forget ole Utah, and just go on as we were. Nobody really likes Utah anyway....However, my foolproof plan to "Ignore it and Hope it Goes Away" did not pan out!! Just like Old Faithful, the blood welled up and started to flow.

It was like a scene from Psycho! Naturally, all I could think about was the stupid stories my friends who are retired police detectives tell me constantly about how all the dead people they found in their career were always naked. That's right!! You heard me: NAKED.

My two biggest fears: Being found dead naked and/or dying in a food related incident.

Seriously! I would rather die in a shootout during a gang related drug bust on national TV than be found naked, or even worse yet, because I choked on a piece of fruit (oh who am I kidding! I would never choke on fruit) -- inhaled whipped cream up my nose while I was eating pie. And worst of all -- being found dead naked BECAUSE I inhaled whipped cream up my nose while I was eating pie....

I would also like to avoid having to go to the emergency room in that situation as well. Doctors (no matter how cute they appear to be on TV) are NOT nice to you if you've inhaled whipped cream into your lungs. Likely they would think you're trying to do whip hits and you're just an idiot and frankly, your death would be simply culling the herd...which is, in my opinion, better than them realizing that you are just a big pig who talks and laughs with her mouth full.

HOWEVER, that was not the worst part of my day!! After putting a Montana sized piece of toilet paper on my foot to stop the bleeding, I headed into work. Where later in the day it was pointed out that if we were on Gilligan's Island, I would NOT be Ginger...I would be stupid Maryanne. But then, if that was not bad enough...when we switched TV shows (your tax dollars at work, you must be so proud)....they did NOT think I would be Pam on the Office (as I was thinking they would) I would be Angela! Now granted, I am bitchy! I will give them that....but ANGELA?! Come on! Phyllis would have been better! Seriously!? ANGELA!?

I guess I should just be thankful I was not Mrs. Howell.


Suzy said...

I do what you do, stare at it because I think staring will stop the inevitable blood flow.

Middle Aged Woman said...

But Maryann was so cute!

Michel said...

The key point I forgot to add in my post that came up during the Gilligan's Island discussion was that our intern was overheard telling another 20-something in the office that "There is no such thing as being 'hot' after 30." Of course, she will be looking for a new internship soon....goes without saying!