Wednesday, January 14, 2009

And You Are? And I Know You From??

That's right! Our wedding. Turns out I AM married!! NOW I's all coming back to me. . .

I am sooo excited because Josh is going to be home on Sunday! He left for Iraq way back in the day -- the day being about four months ago. Soooo, by my calculations, I have about four months worth of cleaning to do on Saturday. And, I should probably remind the dogs that Daddy is coming home, and once again there will be rules and regulations enforced (for all of us).

However, rules/cleaning aside, I'm super excited. Why you ask? Well, besides the fact that I have not seen my hubby (except in pics - and frankly, he's grown a beard in Iraq that is just freak nasty, or as I like to call it: chick repellent), I have prepared a welcome home list in honor of his return!! I didn't want him to think that we had just moved on and forgotten him...OR, alternatively, a list of things I was either too lazy or too incompetent to do myself! Could go either way:

(1) Lights: another light bulb in the kitchen light fixture is about to go out (its starting to flicker). After the first one went out, I coped. So it's a little dimmer?! I like to think of it as simply mood lighting for the dishes. Airbrushing for the kitchen, if you will. We also apparently have airbrushing going on in the upstairs hallway and basement. Just so we're clear, I'm not a complete idiot, I CAN change a light bulb, but these are SPECIAL light bulbs - and when I say "special," I man the type that is not currently in the laundry room. This type would require a trip to Home Depot -- and THAT, my friends is a bridge to far.

(2) Beeping: SOMETHING is beeping upstairs. I assume it is the smoke detector/radon detector/carbon monoxide detector or "something is going to kill you" detector. WTF!? (a) WHY won't it stop?? Clearly, after four months of beeping (it literally started about 20 minutes after he left), I'm not going to do anything about it - let it go already; and (b) Why on earth did we move into a house that needs to warn us of toxic crap upstairs?!? (Naturally, I now spend most of my time on the lower levels of the house).

(3) Backyard: Somebody should probably pick up the dog poo. I would, but Nature is trying to kill me! -- For those of you who may not recall, last summer I was out mowing the lawn, (I KNOW! Seriously, I AM a good person, aren't I!!) and I noticed some weeds over by the little air conditioner things out back. So, being the saintly wife I am, I went over to go pull out the stuff. WELL, long story shorter than it would be if I were telling you to your face and drinking martinis, turns out those stupid vines were poison ivy. My arms and legs swelled up to about 3x their normal size and the rash spread over 3/4 of my body. Literally, the resulting infection almost killed me!! Therefore, Mother Nature is dead to me. Hence, I am not setting foot in that backyard again. Dead I tell you!!! (and please, no comments or suggestions about wearing protective clothing -- it's picking up dog poo!! I'm just not that interested!!)

(4) Dogs: I have abandoned any and all discipline with the boys. They are fat, they lay on the couch and have no manners. I have to walk them at 0400 in the morning so as not to run into any other well behaved pets. Its getting kinda embarrassing.

(5) Move: We need to move to Khartoum, Sudan in March. Don't think I haven't figured out that Josh decided to take a tour in Iraq JUST SO he wouldn't have to help me on this move. PLUS, I was trying to make the last minute vet appointments to get the boys their international health certificates and was told that most vets in the states have decided NOT to issue those "due to legal reasons." Which one of you sued the vet?! SELFISH!! Now I had to call all over the stupid DC area to find a vet who will do this for us...and naturally they require the dogs to come in for consultations, then THEY have to give them all the shots before they issue the certificate. These dogs are going to bankrupt us!!! I should sue the person who sued the vet and caused me all this trouble.

You know, I was just thinking: If I put as much effort into my work, as I do figuring out ways to justify why I shouldn't have t0 do something, our country would probably be a LOT better off. Hmm....that would have been nice.

However, realistically, its probably not going to happen. Sorry America! You probably shouldn't have hired me.

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