Sunday, February 1, 2009

Turns Out My Boys are NOT Saints

So today Josh and I took the boys to George Washington National Park for a hike. We met some friends there who brought their two Golden Labs, Dexter and Piper. Since I started this stupid blog, I've been saying how great the boys are - with the caveat that I knew they were spoiled rotten and didn't listen to a word I say, however, they did listen to Josh -- but now, I am saddened to report, it turns out that the boys actually honk.

Jack is cranky and a loner. If he were a human, he would probably be typecast as a serial killer -- white male, keeps to himself, never seems to openly cause any trouble....has bodies buried in the yard....

Kernel is all sweetness and love unless and until he is asked to share a toy. At that point, he goes bat-shit crazy!!! Snarling, biting and flat out mean. Turns out my baby is not only inbred, but also ill bred. This is why we can never have children! Just think of the monster I would raise. They'd either be a budding serial killer, or a bratty bully!!

I'm doing you people a favor by not reproducing!! Would it kill you to write me a thank you card???

Today, Piper and Dexter ran around and played everywhere - in the frozen stream, on the ice, in the snow, and Kernel was right there with them (Jack was with me, he doesn't do "play" or "other dogs.") Until the tennis ball came out - then, apparently, it was every dog for themselves!! Kernel literally bit Dexter when he tried to take the tennis ball from him. I was humiliated. My dog is a menace! Dexter and Piper have been raised to share their toys and to play nicely. Kernel and Poods? Not so much.

Where on earth could this have come from??

Do you think it could be me? Do you think that maybe I am not the Saint I have always assumed myself to be? Could Kernel have noticed that I do not now, and probably never will share my dessert?? Was he ever present for those discussion?s I mean, it took Josh a while to learn, but he eventually did.

I do believe we were at dinner with Liz and Dan and the waiter passed around the dessert menus. Liz and I were studying the menu as if it were a treatise on how to achieve world peace and economic stability - debating whether to order the brownie sundae or the apple crisp....I mean, the brownie sundae was bigger, and more chocolatty, but the apple crisp was warm and had caramel drizzled over it...what to do....what to do....

Off to the side we hear Josh comment, "Babe, do you want to just share something?"


Followed by horrified glances from Liz and I.


Dan just shook his head and said, "You haven't been married that long, have you?"

I don't share dessert. Ever.

Wait, there was that one time I was forced to share with Liz. I believe we still refer to it as "The Day." We were at Clydes, our favorite restaurant in Ashburn. The dessert menu changes constantly there. This time, they had Strawberry Shortcake on the menu. However, Liz and I are both Northerners (technically, she grew up in Hawaii, but I will classify her as Northern insomuch as she is not Southern) and we recently found out that in the Southern States, Strawberry Shortcake is made with a breakfast biscuit, biscuit. Clearly, everybody knows that Strawberry Shortcake should be made with sponge or pound cake. It's in the name!!! It's shortCAKE, not Shortdryunsweetenedbiscuit!! For the love of all that is holy! That is an outrage!!

Armed with this knowledge, we grilled the waiter: "Is your Shortcake Cake? or Biscuit....because it if is biscuit, there is gonna be trouble." The waiter rolled his eyes and assured us that "it was not a dry breakfast had sugar in was sweet. "

I didn't fall for it. Liz did. FOOL! The dessert arrived....and it was a damn biscuit. A biscuit with no sugar.

Liz wanted to punch the waiter. I think I demanded that we not tip him. He rolled his eyes and flat out LIED to us!!!

At first, she tried to just eat around the biscuit, but that's just stupid strawberries and whipped cream - LAME! We can get that at home! Seeing her struggle, I felt so bad for her, that I offered her some of my apple crisp....(good choice, man! good choice!!) She tried not to take it, probably knowing that she would be hard pressed to share her dessert if the situations were reversed, but eventually, she caved and shared my dessert. I'm such a good person. Seriously. I give, and I give, and I give.

This is why Liz (and frankly every one of my friends) are my friends. They know and accept that I do not share...and most of them do not either. We are of like mind. Clearly, I have raised Kernel to be the same.

Friends don't ask friends to share dessert.

Maybe Kernel is just trying to teach Dexter to be a better friend.....maybe.

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