Friday, February 20, 2009

Milestone Event

Today, was significant. In fact, I'm writing down today. (what is today?) ANYWAY, I had my final physical at work so that the "doctors" can declare me medically cleared to go to Sudan. Work makes you do this because they don't want to have to fly your ass back home if you get sick. (You'd think if the government were REALLY serious and wanted to save the money of a potential medevac, they'd make you go see your own doctor to get your medical tests done because I gotta tell ya, they took my word for a lotta things!!!)

Example, "How many cups of coffee do you drink a day?" Me: one (pot)

"Have you ever used tobacco products" Me: no (unless it is New Year's Eve and I'm starting a new hobby, like I do every year)

"Have you gained or lost 10 or more pounds not on purpose?" Me: No (I totally planned to gain all that weight at Christmas. Its reverse psychology....my body will get it....any minute now....)

"Have you ever had an attitude related illness?" Me: ummmmm??

Seriously! That was a question on my survey! What the hell is an attitude related illness?! I mean, I have a bad attitude, but I didn't know that was technically an illness!!! Could I have been taking SICK LEAVE ALL THIS TIME?? Am I technically disabled!? Am I AttiCapped??

ANYWAY, that is not why today is significant. TODAY was significant because this was the FIRST time (since I started working for the USG) that the "doctor" did not tell me that I could (or should) lose weight!!! I suspect it was because this was the first time I have ever had a "doctor" who was under the age of 72 and was a girl. (Plus, she was a bit chubby, so it probably would have sounded hypocritical.) Literally, even when I was a LOT skinnier and 10 years younger, the "doctors" would tell me that I was perfectly healthy, but could stand to lose a few pounds. WOW! Thank you House! I never realized I was carrying extra weight...is that what that is around my ass?!! WHO KNEW!?

So, I was all excited - and then reality punched me in the face.

I also had to stop in the badge office and get some visa photos taken. Naturally, because I'm shallow like that, I stopped in the restroom to make sure my hair and makeup were still as I left them when I left the house. I swear I looked fine!!! It is literally 8 steps from the restroom to the badge office. I sit down, they take the photos and then you wait approximately 47 minutes while they "print" your pictures.

Now, I realize that they are uploading my photos onto that new website that you have to pay them to take the humiliating photos down....because I get them and .... WTF!?!?! One eye looks like it is larger than the other, and higher up on my face, once again I'm holding my head in some distorted fashion and my hair is engaged in some unauthorized activity....NOT TO MENTION my head took up the whole photo area!!

This is totally humiliating. Now I probably won't get a visa because the Sudanese Embassy here will take one look at my photos and will deny it outright because they don't want me coming to their country and frightening their children!! "NO! You keep your disfigured, plate faced, floating head! Our children will not be able to sleep at night!!!"

How can this be?? I look in the mirror and I honestly didn't realize I was physically deformed. Combine that with my attitude related illness and I just HAVE to be disabled! I should apply for social security and disability payments!!! I'd totally get it.

Its like a lemon on a toothpick! I have the pictures to prove it.

1 comment:

Mrs. K said...

this made me laugh- it's like those psych tests they give you before a job interview:

'if you got really angry at them, you would:
a- shoot them
b- strangle them
c- ask them to lunch to discuss your differences.

duh- why would i choose the real answer and show my hand right away? That's like going on a first date and saying "I WANT 10 KIDS and THEN I want to divorce you and sue you for alimony, child support and keep your home and cars!"