Thursday, February 19, 2009

Jihad Has Been Declared....

You didn't think I could just post something that LIZ wrote did you? There was NOTHING about me in there!! How can that possibly be interesting to you?? I mean, I do agree with her point and all, but with no mention of me, it can't be good enough. Therefore, let's get back to me and my issues. FOCUS people!!!

I believe last night I alluded to the hateful people at NW/KLM...Well, thinking I could use my superior girley manipulation skills (they totally work on Josh!) I called them back. Trying to see if I could find SOME WAY (read how much would it cost) to get my precious baby boy on that flight.

This time the rep at NW was at least nice. AND, she did point out that NW would allow him on the plane (they don't discriminate against dogs unless they are over 165 pounds -- we're not so judgey as the stupid DUTCH). However, KLM would not budge. So my begging and pleading did not get me anywhere. JIHAD!!! KLM HONKS!

I frantically checked other flights going into Khartoum. Turns out -- and this may shock you -- there are not that many airlines that actually GO there, seems that most people don't want to go there either?? Why?? What's going on? What have you heard??

My alternate options: Lufthansa or Sudanese airways. Sorta like how I don't trust docs who work for the USG because I think they couldn't get a job in the private sector, I suspect that Sudanese airways is flying the planes that United and Delta put out on the curb. And, when you combine that with the fact that I do not wish to die in a fiery plane crash -- We are left with Lufthansa.

Good news: Germans tend to LOVE dogs;
Bad news: Germans use the metric system;
More Bad News: they are GERMAN

So I reserve a ticket on United (masquerading as a Lufthansa flight) and call them up to work my magic. I am informed that Lufthansa does not have a max weight limit (Germans love fatties too), they have a max SIZE limit, but it is listed in centimeters. WHY DIDN'T I PAY ATTENTION THAT WEEK WE HAD THE METRIC SYSTEM SCARE AT SCHOOL? (Remember that? When everyone thought we were going to switch to the metric system because the rest of the world did?? And then I think we collectively (as a country) realized that we were too dumb to figure this out and just gave it all up??)

Clearly, I wasn't going to figure it out. I had to wait to get to work to find someone smarter than me to tell me how to convert my inches to cms. Naturally, I'm in tears all night long because I am freaked that I won't be able to get Kernel on a flight with me - and then what? I hate to admit this openly, but I am just bat-shit crazy enough that I would tank my career and refuse to go to Sudan, effectively ensuring that I would work in some basement office for the rest of my days. That would not be enough punishment for work though. I think they deny you access to the Starbucks as well.

My friend Bobby helped me do the conversion by showing me that you can google that shit (who knew?) So, I called Lufthansa. My crate was THREE CENTIMETERS over the specs. The guy initially wasn't going to budge, until I started sobbing into the phone about how the Sudanese hate dogs and would probably allow him to die at the port of Sudan if I tried to ship him cargo - he relented. (I suspect it was more to just get me to stop calling him and crying in his ear. ) However, he caveatted that the approval COULD be denied at the counter if they got out their measuring tape and measured the crate.

SERIOUSLY!? THREE CENTIMETERS!? Although I have no reference for CMs, I think i recall they are smaller than inches (right?) DAMN THOSE GERMANS AND THEIR STRICT RULES AND REGS.

My plan: (a) try to fit Kernel's fat ass into a smaller kennel, its a choice of 16 hours of discomfort or potential death by cargo; (b) try to sweet talk, bribe, or otherwise cajole my way onto the flight with the agents at Dulles airport. I assume THEY are not actually German citizens. Maybe I will luck out and get a lazy, uneducated American just like me. Maybe that guy will have no idea how to convert inches to cms either!?!; and/or (c) I call Bobby to meet me at the airport with a damn belt sander and I shave off 3 cms right there at the ticket counter. F U GERMANY!

OH!, and don't think I have dropped my jihad against KLM! THEY ARE DEAD TO ME! I do feel bad because my father in law has been a loyal NW airline employee for over 30 years, and my Jihad may potentially impact him, but I am sorry, once declared, a jihad cannot be stopped. The Dutch honk. NW should probably distance themselves now, before it hits them.

In the interim, I will continue my anti-dutch/anti-KLM crusade!! I fully intend to litter at their ticket counter and will instruct Kernel to potty on their scale. HE IS NOT FAT! He is big boned.

I've always hated those guys!!! (PLUS, all my miles are on United, why the hell was I considering KLM in the first place? They're not Star Alliance?!)

PS...Kudos goes out to my boss Jason for knowing enough to walk out of my office and not force me to talk about work until I solved this problem. He is either super understanding and a great boss, OR, he realizes that I am bat shit crazy and was afraid for his life. Could go either way.

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