Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Damn Vet!!

On Valentine's Day I took Poods and Kernel to the vet to get their international health certificate - which is kinda like their visa to move to Sudan with me. (Unfortunately, Little Debbie's Visa was denied. Alas, there will no tasty treats in Sudan!!! I suspect Tina had something to do with it, but I can't prove it.)

I believe I previously ranted about how there was only ONE vet in all of Ashburn who would still issue these health certificates because of legal reasons -- well, it has gotten WORSE! Not only do I have to pay $125 per dog for a piece of paper, that charge does NOT include charges for visit, blood work, vaccines, and meds! SOOO, since I was already going to write them a bad check for the visit, I threw in a toe-nail trimming!! For some reason that totally creeps me out. Their nails are sooo thick. (GAG! I think I might have just throw up a little bit.) Literally, $900 later, I was issued a health certificate - only to find out that it is STILL not valid.

I now have to FedEx this certificate to the USDA in Richmond - and for VA residents, ONLY the Richmond office will do this (apparently there is more than one?? who knew!?) -- where they will STAMP that this is valid (please! they weren't there!!) and they will return FedEx the certificate to me. THEN, I have 10 days to get out of the country before the certificate expires. I assume that they think that on the 11th day the dogs will be let outside to wallow in a puddle of rabies and Brucellosis, with a pinch of mad cow disease sprinkled on top.

I mean honestly! We're going to SUDAN. Do you really think my pampered boys - the same boys that I force Josh to pack extra blankets and dog beds when we camp so they don't get cold - are going to be the cause of Pestilence in Sudan??? Methinks that perhaps that might be the least of Sudan's worries....or so I've heard.

The most hideous part of this visit was that the vet was going over their blood work with me and told me that Poods' Kidney functions were on the verge of abnormal. Meaning - the higher range of normal levels. Naturally, I went into panic mode and started thinking about what dog owner I knew that I could con into donating a kidney for my precious baby boy...then the vet told me that they don't actually DO kidney transplants on dogs (and never would on an 11 year old dog). So I asked him what I was supposed to do.

His response: There is nothing you can do.

My response: Then WHY the hell did you bring this up!!!

He then instructed me that I should probably have Poods' blood work checked every 6 mos to monitor him in case he has renal failure. Naturally, I again asked what I was supposed to do.

His response: there is nothing you can do really.

So WHY would I check!? Frankly, I do not want to know. I will simply worry, and then force you all to read a blog about how my dog is sick and for God's Sake people, DO SOMETHING.

Vet indicated that "We could put him on a Rx diet for kidney failure." Then he casually mentioned that it costs circa $100 per 15lb bag of food (I assume this is not available at the local market in Khartoum, but I'm just guessing, so go ahead and add in shipping costs). I also assume that Josh would go into renal failure if I were to casually mention that I was going to put Poods on a diet that would pretty much cost the same as if we put him on Nutrisystem or took him out to a restaurant every night. I'm just guessing that his answer will be NO. But I can't be sure....

So in order to deal with this, I have decided to believe that the tests were wrong. That Poods didn't fast prior to the blood work (because he totally takes after me and he LOVES his food). I am going to go with my fail-safe method of dealing with ALL my problems: Ignore it and hope it goes away!!!

Poodies is going to have to suck is up and use his other kidney!!! Isn't that why we were given TWO poods?!? Stop being selfish!!! There are starving puppies in Sudan who would be THANKFUL to have me making you a low-protein meal of rice and chicken broth for dinner!!!

I should have had kids. I suspect it might have been easier.

1 comment:

Braja said...

Poor Poodie. Stupid human. Not you love, the other guy :)