Do NOT Panic....We're Going In...

Today, I have agreed to drive Liz into Downtown DC. Liz claims she needs a visa because she has a short notice business trip coming up soon. Naturally, I assume that she is simply stalking the poor consulate officer, but I will support her stalking. Even though she claims that she didn't have enough time, it is clear to me that Liz was simply too lazy to go to the embassy during the work week! However, in this instance, her laziness makes me uber proud! Why you ask: Because it is not like we have to venture out on our own, work will provide you with a car AND DRIVER to take you to the Embassy. Personally, when I use them, I like to sit in the back and ask what my inflight movie will be, and demand a Gin and Tonic!! I think that deep down inside, they think it is funny. Seriously. It never gets old.

Meanwhile, I'm still waiting for that Gin and Tonic!

However, I do actually understand how this could have happened. Yes, we can request a driver to take us, but the sticking point is that you have to FILL OUT and SUBMIT a form to request this driver and, the form has to be signed by a supervisor prior to submission. You have to explain to a higher up why you need someone to drive Miss Daisy and then, once they have signed the form, you submit it to the proper "authorities," you have to make an appointment with the Embassy for your visa processing. It's frankly more work to request someone to help you than it is to just con your friends into taking you. I see her point, and will expect her to do the same when it comes time for my visa to Sudan (SUCKAH!)

Liz and I agree on this kinda stuff..therefore, I suspect that she knew that I would feel compelled to drive her downtown (she also lives outside of DC) as we both have "issues" driving in the city. WHY, you ask, would two clearly cosmopolitan ladies of the world refuse to drive into the city? I'll tell you why! It's because they let other NON-COSMOPOLITAN people drive there. In fact, they let ANYONE drive there.

Now, I realize you guys are going to think that I am going to launch into one of my slams on how foreigners do not actually understand that the lines go BETWEEN the cars, and are not actually put there to serve as a guide for your car. However, I kinda see where they get this now after having used that GPS thing in the car, where the woman lectures you and tells you where to go in her snotty voice. You car is literally a triangle that drives along a line/path thing ...God help you if you miss a turn or she is wrong (she'll never admit it, FYI) She gets all uppity impatient, screaming "RECALCULATING" and I swear she enunciates that word so that you can hear every letter so that you fully understand how annoyed she is with you...I get it! Shut up, you smelly Pirate HO!)

No! It's not the foreigners, its the AMERICAN TOURISTS!! God I hate them!!

People from other states who have driven to DC in their mini-van with approximately 52 kids shoved in there - kids who are usually watching "Finding Nemo" instead of looking at the monuments, etc. These "tourists" cannot drive, do not understand the rules of the circles in DC (although, I can't really call them on that, those things are hideous), and are constantly stopping in the middle of the road to look at buildings or things they see -- now don't get me wrong, I do remember when I first moved to the DC area from Montana and I was super excited to see things like the Treasury Building or the State Department with all the diplomatic vehicles outside of it from other Embassies, but do you see?? I have been inside those buildings!!

I've seen the water spots, the furniture from the late 50s stacked in the halls with a sign that says, "for turn in" like a sad, government Craig's List. I've met the employees (who are not as cool as you would think, fyi - with the exception of me and my friends, of course - we're waay cool) so my point is, MOVE ON PEOPLE...I've got places to go!!!

Clearly, I have acquired the stereotypical east-coast rudeness. It really is time for me to leave here and travel to a foreign country where I can be the face of America. Where I can utilize my skills and be rude in a foreign language -- the ugly American, if you will. I know, you guys are thankful for my efforts. I do appreciate that.

In return, I will try not to run over anyone and/or create an international incident. But I'm not making any promises.

Seriously, I am such a good person.