Pharmaceutical Bailout

Hey Science! What's the status on the creation of that fat pill? I am frankly sick and tired of those stupid ads on TV where they rub it in that there is no easy fix to weight loss. How they condescendingly point out that we didn't put on those extra pounds overnight, so why should we expect to lose them overnight? I'll tell you why: because this is America...and because we live in an age where microwaving crap takes too long... because when you say that, the terrorists WIN!

How insulting is that to you science? Are you going to take that?? Are you going to let the terrorists win!?

I was thinking....(and I'm sure this will be super helpful to you) in case you're in a bit of a slump with regard to new ideas: You know how there have been all these people yammering on and on about all the side effects of Ambien or those other sleeping pills I've never tried because I can never remember to look up some symptoms to pretend to have so my doctor will give me some?? How people are waking up (well rested mind you) to find out that they drove around town, baked a cake or sent all these emails to people (usually humiliating and/or bitchy -- which, clearly, are the best kind)? WELL, how cool would it be if, rather than those lame things, Ambien made you go to the gym or get on the treadmill while you were sleeping!?!?!?

HOW AWESOME WOULD THAT BE!?

It combines a natural solution to the inconvenience posed by my arch nemesis (exercise) with my most favorite hobby (sleeping)!!! Its WIN WIN science!!

Think about it: Lifetime Fitness is open 24/7, they'd probably even fund your research!! They have that "Team Weight Loss" thing...they could call it "Sleep-it-off," the lazy pill poppers solution to structured weight loss.

It's BRILLIANT!!! It would stimulate the economy, create not only sciencey jobs, but also the gym, pharmaceutical and even the drug dealer industry. Not only would America be back on its feet economically - we'd be pretty too!

So come on Science, let's get a move on. If we can turn poop and garbage into energy, we can certainly harness the side effects of sleeping pills. You just need to focus. Stop being distracted by all these calls to end disease, world hunger, and poverty. That's dumb!!

In these troubled times, we need to focus on what's important: finding a solution to our current economic crisis and a solution to the inconvenience of me having to be awake for exercise.