Monday, February 16, 2009

I think I might be a victim of a cult scam!!

So remember how I have been trying to accomplish some stuff, but can't seem to do it because I'm so wrapped up in this stupid Twilight series?? I finally read the back of the book cover and Stephenie Meyer is a Mormon. Now I'm not going to get all slammey on the Mormons, but after not being able to put these books down -- books I might add that are EACH well over 700 pages -- and I read them in like TWO days???? -- I think there might be something fishy going on!!!!

I suspect cheating, but I can't prove it!!!

Why am I so suspicious, you ask?? Well, let me just list the reasons:

(a) I actually read and enjoyed a series of TEEN books about vampires and werewolves. I mean seriously! TEEN?? VAMPIRES??? come on!

(b) Embarrassed of my addiction to the teen series, I would attempt to hide the title when reading the books in public. (And believe me, I DID read these in public...I read them on the plane, during my pedicure, while waiting at the doctor's office, and even in my bunk in group housing during the action guy training...) However, whenever I did happen to look up - and believe me, every time I would look up, I was confused and disoriented because when reading, you lose all track of where you are or what you are doing - I would notice that OTHER middle-aged women were ALSO reading these books. (you can tell by the disoriented look on their faces when you finally catch their attention)

(c) Each book has over 700 pages, and yet I have read all FOUR (and math is not my strong suit) but that is basically (7x4=??) 2,800+ pages - I could have read the BIBLE in that amount of time (but yet, never can seem to make it past 2 pages in that book!!! Perhaps if they had gone into greater detail about how dreamy Jesus was, and a little less detail about who begat whom, I would be a bit more enthralled...)

NOW, combining ALL of those, coupled with the fact that I have the attention span of a three year old, and am inherently lazy -- HOW ON EARTH did I manage to stick with it to finish all four books?? I'll tell you how!? IT'S A CULT. AND I FELL VICTIM TO ITS METHODS!!

So then I started thinking: Stephenie Meyers is a Mormon, She is pretty....Do you think maybe Mormons are VAMPIRES!? I mean, think about it: ALL the vampires in the books are pretty. Have you EVER met an ugly Mormon?? NO! You haven't. They're all beautiful people. They all have that shiny, happy, people look to them. PLUS, aren't they all very patient, kind and nice people?? They don't swear, they are nice to others, they never seem to get mad at their co-workers and are always patient with me - listening patiently for me to finish my tirade and then pointing out how we can move on without resorting to violence -- how we could just do something different, instead of having them killed to prove my point.


Either way, I don't think they'd let me in. If I had the ability to squash someone like a bug, I'd have to be destroyed within five minutes of arriving at work. As I have mentioned previously, I was born without the empathy gene. In fact, I'm now starting to question if I really belong in my family!!! I do not help people and have pretty much never been nice to anyone in my life. What's up with that?? husband also appears to be some sort of freak of nature. Do you all know what he did on Valentine's Day?? (and NO! It was NOT pining away for me as I assumed) he decided to run the full marathon that the Marines hosted in Fallujah! He pretty much decided this on a whim. WHY you ask?? because someone at work insinuated that he would not be able to do it; and then bet him $40 he wouldn't finish under 4 hours. So Josh, being contrary as normal, not only finished -- he came in SECOND, finishing in 3 hours and 22 minutes (or something like that, I pretty much wasn't listening after I heard there was no cash prize involved). Josh has this uncanny ability to force himself to do stuff, pretty much just to prove people wrong.

So what I have learned today: Mormons are vampires and my hubby can perform miracles if told he cannot do something!

Therefore, I have just one thing to say:

JOSH, you will NEVER EVER be able to win over 10 million dollars in the lottery and then give me half. UNpossible!!!


Anonymous said...

I am on the last book in the twilight series after REFUSING everyone's insistance that I would love them. I finally caved and read the first one that a neighbor lent me. I was HOOKED. Like something had sunk it's teeth into me and I couldn't help but run to target and buy the next three, even though I DO NOT BUY BOOKS, I am a library girl because I am not made of money.
It's addicting, what will I do when I no longer have Bella and Edward to keep me company, will I have to start listening to mormons since you have pointed out this undeniable proof? really, what will I do?
oh, and congrats to Josh, I'm pretty sure I could bet him 40 bucks that he won't win 30 million in the lottery and give ME 10 million of it...I'd even bet 50 bucks for that one :-)

kwr221 said...

I finished reading Breaking Dawn on the plane on Sunday. I read Twilight at Christmas and then 2 and a half weeks ago a friend gave me the other three to read and I've finished them all.

I could have written your post.

I don't like teen romances, I don't like vampires.... so how and why was I totally, completely sucked in to this series?

And why isn't there another book for me to read!?

Everybody tells me I would like Harry Potter too, and I've resisted. I wonder if there's any truth to that, too.