Now, I realize this may come as a shock to many of you, but I was a TAD possessive as a child and my parents were known as My Daddy and My Mommy respectively. I would frequently inform my sister that these were MY parents and she could go get her own (GEEZ MEL! DOOY!!!)
My father was a PUSHOVER. I knew my mother would insist on proof of illness, so I would wait until mom had to leave for work and then run up to dad and say, "I don't feel so good" and he would immediately ask me what I needed. I would (of course) ask him what was available.....
"No, not that....No...Keep going....maybe, we'll come back to that later. YES! PUDDING! That is EXACTLY what I need for my - what did I say I had again?"
So I pretty much could have whatever I wanted from him. (And really, isn't that what good parenting is all about?? )
I kinda feel bad for my mom now....
However, a few discrepancies have come to light in recent years and now I question his parenting certification!
(a) I asked why gas was more expensive at Grandpa Harold's house than it was at our house; my daddy told me it was because the price of gas was determined by the distance from Kansas City. I believed this until I was circa 30 years old and found out (naturally) at work via public humiliation.
(b) When I got my driver's license I was so excited to drive the car. He told me that I needed to go change the summer air to winter air in the tires. He gave me $20 to do so. I kept that $20 for punitive damages. He probably still owes me $50 for that humiliation.
(c) When I was posted in Peshawar I was driving with a big-wig from Washington in the car showing him the sights and we came upon a line of camels going through town. The guy pointed out a dromedarie, and I was like, "WHAT!? That's a camel!" And then proceeded to spout off about how camels have two humps if they are going on a long journey across the dessert, because that is where they store their water...so you can tell if a camel is going far if it has two humps of water for the journey...."
I trailed off as I saw the look on his face (which was familiar to (a) above's reaction) and I remembered the source of my info - MY DADDY! However, in my defense, WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU LIE ABOUT THAT!? And it's not like camels were going to come up living in Montana!
WTF DADDY!?!
Now I'm not so sure if he's my daddy or my arch nemesis! However, as you can see from below, he fully accepted his granddog Kernel, therefore, I have to let it go.
To this day, I live in fear that I will find yet another big fat lie he told me as a child. Problem is, even HE doesn't remember all the nonsense he has spouted over the years! At least I now know why he always seemed to be laughing during my younger years. He was plotting his revenge!
Well played My Daddy....well played!
Happy Father's Day!
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23 comments:
The first comment!!! WOW I STALK WELL!!!
My dad had me believing that chocolate covered turtles were REAL TURTLES!!! So he could keep the candy all to himself.
And all to his own fat ASS!!!
Your daddy sounds like a hoot.
Did he also happen to mention that if you pee in someone's pool the water around you will turn red thereby identifying you as the pisser?
Wait. Just my dad?
so i had to look up the difference between the camels and found this: http://www.thehatchreport.com/information/camel-one-two-hump.html
i had no idea but cannot blame my stupidity on anyone else. i'm just stupid.
and comedy goddess....i saw a movie where someone peed in a pool and the water turned dark blue leading me to believe there is a product that does exactly what your dad described. i have never peed in a pool since. once again, my own stupidity.
Paybacks can be a "mother"... however in this case a daddy!
Now we know where your sense of humor and irony come from... you came by it 'natural'.
Helen
I think I'd like your dad a whole lot-- I'd love to hear your moms point of view.
On a more serious note, today I have been focusing on my husband (daddy of 4, but father figure to 6) because its his day. But after reading your post I'm thinking an awful lot about how funny my dad was and the jokes he'd pull on us - I assume you've been sniper hunting? Anyway, even though the laughs were about your dad, thanks for making remember my dad as well. He'd have laughing out loud at the outrageous things your dad has told you.
thanks again, as always, for brightening my day.
Look at you, all snotty and pointing an incriminating finger of poo at your pure unsuspecting father. (And that's where you get your "pure.") I wonder if he's read this today? Is he going to comment? Cuz I'd like to hear his side of things...
I like your daddy. :)
Was he the one that told you cake was a nutritious dietary supplement?! LMAO!
this post tells me a lot!! one you were probably adopted so he is faking his memory! you were you even way back when and I almost hurt myself laughing how gullibull HAHA you were.. nowonder you get into smoting!
great picture of your dad and the pooch
I must remember those for my Daughter.
Spent the last hour readng all your blog. Some great posts. All the best.
If we sat on our Dad's lap he would straighten out his legs immediately and say "Elevator Down."
At the time we thought it was funny.
Well. . . so it's "Your" Daddy that we owe the sharp tongued, wit and sense of humor to for this blog! And to think I have been giving you all the credit. . . but NOOOOOOOO. . . it goes to "YOUR" Daddy! Ha. . . he sounds like a lovely guy!
Okay, so maybe I'm not the brightest...but I don't understand why gas would be more expensive at Grandpa Harold's. The Kansas City thing makes total sense to me!
My dad once told me that I could get pregnant from a toilet seat - yep. I peed standing up in public toilets for the longest time... Aren't dads grand with their big fat lies... but you gotta laugh!
I love your blog - you always make me laugh out loud!
Love,
Kelly
Your Daddy sounds a lot like my Daddy...I'm sure they would get along famously.
When I was little my Daddy told me I was Norwegian, and a direct descendant of Eric the Red and Leif Ericson. I totally believed this and proudly told all my friends whenever this kind of thing came up (history class, recess, whatever.) It was not until I was probably, oh, a freshman in high school, that I realized he had no way of knowing that, seeing as how I WAS ADOPTED!
Although, he also told me I was a "gift" to them, and special. So it's all good. :)
I am crazy about my daddy - I am his mini-me and my mom can't stand either of us. We are just a couple of hicks watching car races and hollering about stupid liberals - I don't know what I'd do without him. He is the first person to tell me when I am doing, or about to do, something stupid, though, and he never sugarcoats anything, so I know he's telling me straight. He does like to kid around with my kids, who know that Grandpa Bob is full of it and they don't believe anything he says. He also has a belt and he knows how to use it, so no one messes with him. Hey, I am starting to wonder why he never warned me about marrying the moron I ended up with - I am sure he knew it wasn't the best deal for me - then again, maybe my mom held him back so I could "learn the hard way." She is not my biggest fan, so I could see that happening.
Oh that's too funny! Well, maybe not for you at times... ;) Now I wonder what trauma my husband will cause the Princess Nagger when she gets older with the wild stories he tells her about different things as an explanation...I guess only time will tell...and at least it's him telling her those fantastic facts and not me...much. ;)
Your dad sounds a litte like my own. He would give me all sorts of whacky explanations for things disguised as truth and then I'd walk around repeating it all... looking like a fool...
Poor Michel!! Have a good nap. We will see you soon :-)
God bless your daddy! I parent like this too. My kids have been filled with so much nonsense, they are humiliated daily as they attempt to impart their well-learned wisdom to others. Bwahahahaha!
I LOVE your daddy and if he wasn't married to your mommy, I'd want to be introduced. Anyone with a sense of humor like that AND is good looking.... whooo-wheee! Of course, I'd be an older woman to him....
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