So remember how I was bitching?? HAHAHA! Bitching.......wait! Of course you do. It's WHAT I DO! -- Of course you remember.
ANYWAY, So get this: I've been told I need to be back in the States in July - NO EXCUSES! YOU ARE COMING BACK!!
Ummm...HELLO!!!! I wasn't going to give an excuse - I was going to suggest I leave right now so that I am adequately prepared for any event you may host for me in the States.
I'm just saying - my brows??? They need work . (There should be two).
I'M COMING HOME!!
Home! Where ALL the AC works....HOME! Where the pizza is what is publicly accepted as "Pizza" ... not hot dog slices on a piece of flat bread with some kinda red sauce that was not made with any tomato product in it, and "cheese" that has nothing resembling what we would call "cheese" anywhere near it...
You heard me CONUS - CONTINENTAL U.S!
And so I'm all excited right? So I think - I should get hotel reservations - I mean I have like 30 days to make them, but it would be rude to delay for some silly reason, right? So I go online to look, and I think to myself, "You know what would be SOOO cool?? (and make my life totally complete right now) If the RITZ CARLTON had a USG rate...Now that would be fab!"
But that's totally an urban legend right??
I submit to you that it is NOT!
They totally accepted me!! At the same rate as if I were staying at the stupid Comfort Inn-- LESS ACTUALLY! All they need is a Federal Gov't ID...
Oh, I'll give you an ID!! Whatkinda ID do you want? I'll make what ever mother f'n ID you want if that's what it takes. Make no mistake about that!
What is your policy on IDs made with Crayon?
So I'm coming home - and I'm staying at the Ritz Carlton in VA. (I assume I have many, MANY more friends right now - I back that though, I'd totally be my friend right now if the situation were reversed! And yet, if I were staying at the Comfort Inn, I'd totally break up with myself -- unless of course it was adjacent to a Cheesecake Factory -- WHICH THIS RITZ CARLTON TOTALLY IS!!!)
OMG! I KNOW, RIGHT?
God totally loves me right now.
SHUT UP! Don't say ANYTHING. I don't want to upset this fragile balance....
However, with any great high, there is also a great low. And here you have it:
We have figured out that I am currently referred to what is called "Khartoum Beautiful." Similar to "Baghdad Beautiful," in that in the sheer absence of women, what would normally be "Ehhh?! I guess she's okay," turns into "HOLY SHIT! She's HOT!" in Iraq -- Very similar situation here.
How do I know this, you ask??? Why! I was TOLD! That's how...(because no day is complete here without some sort of lasting humiliation for me)
Me: Holy Shit! Did you just take my picture?? Was it full body?! YOU KNOW the USG regulations State explicitly that pictures of women diplomats must ONLY be taken from the chest up - NO ASS-THIGH photos (of me) are allowed! This is clearly outlined in USG regulation 7.6.124(7) -- (Good rule of thumb - when in doubt and trying to make a point, it's always good to confuse others with numbers. Works every time!)
Sudanese Male: (thinking he has committed some horrid cultural faux pas - which he clearly has!) I'm SORRY! ? What? Why?
Me: Don't you know, the camera adds like 72 pounds??
Sudanese Male: What?!? You're not fat....
Sudanese Male: in Khartoum....
Sudanese Male: I mean, you MIGHT be in America.....I don't know about AMERICA...
Sudanese Male: but in Khartoum....you're NOT fat...*per se* (implied)
Me: Good day Sir.
Sudanese Male: But... I mean....
Me: I SAID good day.
Sometimes? I'm Judgmental. Also, Seattle!
13 hours ago