Wednesday, June 10, 2009

And the Smoting Stopped and God Smiled Upon Me....

So remember how I was bitching?? HAHAHA! Bitching.......wait! Of course you do. It's WHAT I DO! -- Of course you remember.

ANYWAY, So get this: I've been told I need to be back in the States in July - NO EXCUSES! YOU ARE COMING BACK!!

Ummm...HELLO!!!! I wasn't going to give an excuse - I was going to suggest I leave right now so that I am adequately prepared for any event you may host for me in the States.

I'm just saying - my brows??? They need work . (There should be two).

I'M COMING HOME!!

Home! Where ALL the AC works....HOME! Where the pizza is what is publicly accepted as "Pizza" ... not hot dog slices on a piece of flat bread with some kinda red sauce that was not made with any tomato product in it, and "cheese" that has nothing resembling what we would call "cheese" anywhere near it...

You heard me CONUS - CONTINENTAL U.S!

And so I'm all excited right? So I think - I should get hotel reservations - I mean I have like 30 days to make them, but it would be rude to delay for some silly reason, right? So I go online to look, and I think to myself, "You know what would be SOOO cool?? (and make my life totally complete right now) If the RITZ CARLTON had a USG rate...Now that would be fab!"

But that's totally an urban legend right??

I submit to you that it is NOT!

They totally accepted me!! At the same rate as if I were staying at the stupid Comfort Inn-- LESS ACTUALLY! All they need is a Federal Gov't ID...

Oh, I'll give you an ID!! Whatkinda ID do you want? I'll make what ever mother f'n ID you want if that's what it takes. Make no mistake about that!

What is your policy on IDs made with Crayon?

So I'm coming home - and I'm staying at the Ritz Carlton in VA. (I assume I have many, MANY more friends right now - I back that though, I'd totally be my friend right now if the situation were reversed! And yet, if I were staying at the Comfort Inn, I'd totally break up with myself -- unless of course it was adjacent to a Cheesecake Factory -- WHICH THIS RITZ CARLTON TOTALLY IS!!!)

OMG! I KNOW, RIGHT?

God totally loves me right now.

SHUT UP! Don't say ANYTHING. I don't want to upset this fragile balance....

However, with any great high, there is also a great low. And here you have it:

We have figured out that I am currently referred to what is called "Khartoum Beautiful." Similar to "Baghdad Beautiful," in that in the sheer absence of women, what would normally be "Ehhh?! I guess she's okay," turns into "HOLY SHIT! She's HOT!" in Iraq -- Very similar situation here.

How do I know this, you ask??? Why! I was TOLD! That's how...(because no day is complete here without some sort of lasting humiliation for me)

Me: Holy Shit! Did you just take my picture?? Was it full body?! YOU KNOW the USG regulations State explicitly that pictures of women diplomats must ONLY be taken from the chest up - NO ASS-THIGH photos (of me) are allowed! This is clearly outlined in USG regulation 7.6.124(7) -- (Good rule of thumb - when in doubt and trying to make a point, it's always good to confuse others with numbers. Works every time!)

Sudanese Male: (thinking he has committed some horrid cultural faux pas - which he clearly has!) I'm SORRY! ? What? Why?

Me: Don't you know, the camera adds like 72 pounds??

Sudanese Male: What?!? You're not fat....

Sudanese Male: in Khartoum....

Sudanese Male: I mean, you MIGHT be in America.....I don't know about AMERICA...

Sudanese Male: but in Khartoum....you're NOT fat...*per se* (implied)

Me: Good day Sir.

Sudanese Male: But... I mean....

Me: I SAID good day.

30 comments:

Beth said...

The smoting is over? Seriously?

Beth said...

See if you can get moved to the club level at the Ritz. They have fantastic drinks and food! I could just graze all day...

SuburbanCorrespondent said...

Time for a bloggy get-together, perhaps?

Those last three lines remind me of Teri Garr in Tootsie.

♥ Braja said...

I don't see any indication that smoting has stopped...you're a big fat liar. Not in Khartoum, though....

Gaston Studio said...

WhooooHoooooo! A stateside visit and at a Ritz! By God, the smoting must be over and maybe you've been overly smoted because He was leading up to this! How cool would that be of Him?

♥ Braja said...

Not really big.

♥ Braja said...

Definitely not fat.

♥ Braja said...

In Khartoum....

Beth said...

Hey! Does the Cheesecake Factory serve breakfast?

rxBambi said...

Congrats on coming back stateside! that is how you say it, right?

Comedy Goddess said...

That's why I love the blogationships I have with everyone because we all extend the courtesy of believing that all the women are 5'9", size 2 geniuses and the men are all either Clive Owen or Daniel Craig. Oh, just me doing that?

Comedy Goddess said...

Keep eating at the Cheesecake Factory and it might be hard to look sexy even in Khartoum.

Pastor Sharon said...

YEA!!!!!!!! You are comming home!!!!!! You totally rambled all over this post. . .could it be the hype of coming home? Love the whole conversation with the camera guy!

Pastor Sharon said...

Can't they just use your blog pic, for ID?

otin said...

Maybe I'll take a ride to virginia and torment you in person lol!

otin said...

Oh, I meant to ask, is this a visit or a prelude to moving back?

Char said...

Good for you? Is it only for a visit or are you moving back! Whichever, have a safe trip.

Optimistic Pessimist said...

What time should I meet you at the Ritz and when will be going to the Cheescake Factory???

Kathy B! said...

Cheesecake Factory.... yummmmm! I'm not that far from you, you better be careful or you'll have a bunkmate and a dinner companion... The lengths you would go to to get stateside? I'd go to similar lengths for a kid free weekend ;)

tera said...

I know other people have asked, but I'm going to ask it anyway...are you actually moving back? I thought you were in Sudan for a couple years? (I will totally bite my tongue if needed.) In any event, yea! Hopefully your package will get to you before you leave. How long does it take to get your mail there, anyway?

lakeviewer said...

Now do you expect me to believe this? My tax money is paying for you to mediate at a Ritz-Carlton? No wonder we can't afford upgrading our schools.

Reddirt Woman said...

When my younger brother was in the Air Force he was stationed in Brindisi, Italy for about 2 years. When he found out that he was scheduled to come back to the good old U.S.A. he wrote to mom and dad that they were coming back to the land of hot and cold running water... and, of course, AC.

Did you make the Sudanese man delete the photo? Or did you just confiscate his camera...

Hit 40 said...

How long did you get to visit the air conditioning and cheesecake??

My sister lives in Richmond, Virginia!! She is always trying to get me to visit. And, we have other High School friends there. I never wanted to go that far.... but if your in town. The drive is tempting!! Plus, the beach is nearby. My boys love the beach.

Congratulations!! I wonder what color your hair will turn after the poopy dirt air is washed out???

darsden said...

awesome girl...dang and I am gonna miss you by just a few weeks...dude I soooo seriously would have driven over to see you and actually bought you a gin and tonic! dammit...who knows maybe I will fly back to see ya...Lord knows I will never make that drive again...LOL Congratulations wonderful news to hear for you and your family and friends.

Hit 40...I am currently in Barhamsville...right next to Richmond yes Virginia Beach is 45 minutes away I spent the summer of 76 there!

Deb said...

oh i know the hotel of which you speak. 15 minutes from my house, to be exact. maybe i will drop by, but only if you get a suite.

bernthis said...

I was so hoping you were coming home to CA. Damn! nice going citing the old diplomat codey thingy. I'd have crapped my pants that is for sure

Mrs. K said...

wait do you have a home to come home to??? that's great news!

Smart Mouth Broad said...

And your suite sleeps how many? Did someone say complimentary cocktails? Will there be cake? The A/C will be working, right? Count me in!

blognut said...

Shit! I think I'm f'ing HAWT in Khartoum then.

Anonymous said...

viagra free sites computer find negative effects of viagra marijuana and viagra buy sublingual viagra online viagra rrp australia effects of viagra viagra cialis free sample viagra viagra vs cialis viagra jelly generic viagra india viagra pharmacy viagra uk cheap purchase buy viagra suppliers