Thursday, June 18, 2009

I Totally Suck...and Here is Why...

However, I called Paul today at work in DC and ensured that he was FEELING MY PAIN. So that made a lot of the below much, MUCH better!! Because he knows that I suck and has now realized that he probably shouldn't have left me in charge! That was poor planning on your part, mister!

However, may I state right here for all you US cits out there - foreigners may go get a snack for this lecture - just because you are a US citizen does not mean you have the God given right to tour the closest US Embassy. I gotta tell you that I cannot recommend that you storm up to the local guards and start demanding to be let in because "You're a US Citizen damnitt! And you have your rights!!"

You just might get me for a POC....(and I think we all know what that means) Newsflash! You actually don't have any rights in Sudan...write that down...

But THIS is not why I suck - this is why my job sucks. (Two totally different things)

Reasons I suck:

(1) I totally promised to help out Hallie so that I could get (God)credit for being a better person by relying on YOU GUYS being the better people...and then I immediately forgot to post it! (because I'm obviously not a good person --DOOY! KEEP UP! Would you?!)

So anyway, Hallie is doing a fund raiser - And before I go on with this, PROMISE ME NOW!! Nobody tell Josh there is $600 worth of camping equipment up for grabs or he will enter the raffle 722 times and claim he won. Seriously, the man thinks he wins shit on eBay - no matter how many times I point out that he is just the idiot that was willing to pay the most for it...(methinks the guy who sold it won...)

ANYWAY, it's for a great cause - so if you CAN - and you have the TIME - and you are not a hollowed out shell of a human being, bitter, broken and dead inside, fit only to walk the streets at night when nobody else is around, you should go to http://www.firstgiving.com/hallietwomey and help her out. Her dad received a new heart and this is her way of giving back. PLUS, she claims (and I cannot verify these claims because I'm too lazy to do so) that prizes totaling over $3,000.00 are up for grabs!

Wait....on second thought - never mind... I'm sure someone more deserving who may or may not need to head over there and go win that shit -- and then promptly sell it on eBay to pay for their last shopping spree in Dubai -- will likely be a shoe-in for the prizes. It's probably not worth your time to join the raffle; You should just go donate to the cause and call it a day. I'm just saying, I'm here for you.....

Damnitt! I DO suck.

(2) Remember how my blinds were all freaking me out because they were moving? Well, I figured out what it was - and it is reason number 2 why I suck and why you should NEVER trust me with anything you cherish.

Okay, so I'm babysitting Papaya, right? He's the stray kitty of a guy here at the Embassy who went on leave, but Papaya is pretty much feral and runs away in terror whenever I would come near him. So basically, my duties are to (a) put out food; (b) give him water; (c) tell housekeeper we have a kitty for next three weeks, so clean that litter box biatch; and (d) try to pet said kitty.

I totally forgot I had a kitty!

It was the KITTY behind the blinds (they are vertical to the floor) chasing after them because the AC was moving them - then kitty starts them flapping. So of course I assume that Satan is in my house (WHICH I TOTALLY CONTEND IS A NATURAL ASSUMPTION) and grab my 'puter and lock myself into my bedroom.

It totally could have happened to anyone.

However, I now think that kitty might be a bit traumatized because he is acting all friendly now and making it known that he is in the house. Nobody panic and please stop googling the number for PETA - kitty did have food, water, and kitty box! Plus, I "found" him this morning before I went to work when he attacked me as I walked down the stairs (kitty's a little bit of an ass). And, we have a housekeeper whom I PAY to remember that I have a kitty... So...it's all good....right??

Right KITTY??

I gotta tell you, now that he is not running away in terror, kitty is kinda cute now - but he is SERIOUSLY a bad kitty!! He's into everything -- and I don't even HAVE anything! Honestly, he might be a little bit crazy and/or Satan's Little Helper:




This is not camera lighting - his eyes are glowing right now - okay, so he's napping in the chair now, but he WAS shredding it with his claws just a minute ago and I was kinda too scared (and guilty feeling) to stop him....there is that....




If you don't hear from me again, you'll know its because Kitty totally ate my computer connection. Seriously... I wouldn't put it past him.

Sheesh! Kitties hold such grudges! It's frankly unattractive.

22 comments:

Hit 40 said...

This chick also left a note under my comments about her giveaway for a good cause a couple days ago. I am such a pessimist that I just assume that the person is full of it. Now I am going to have to go check out her giveaway to see what is up.

I'll be back..

Hit 40 said...

Ok.. it does look legit. I am just so jaded!!!

I need to quit reading the newspaper. It is full of scams that folks pull.

Hit 40 said...

And... you are feeding the kitty???

tera said...

So you DO have a cat! Now you just need to train it to eat the spiders! Of course, if you can convince it to do so, you may not want to give him back when the time comes...

blognut said...

I got the blog comment from Hallie, too. I didn't promise her anything, but I didn't DO anything either.

I might suck just a little bit more than you do for that shit.

I'll check her out. I really will. I SAID I WOULD. GOD, GET OFF MY BACK, MICHEL!

blognut said...

Oh, don't call PETA on me or anything, but cats really aren't my thing.

I won't be mean to one, but I'm not letting one move into my house for three weeks.

See how badly I suck?!

lakeviewer said...

Gee, you just pricked my balloon here. I thought I could show up at any U.S. embassy and you all jump up to my assistance. It's our tax money, right? And you are there to protect us, right? And you are probably the expert on how to get us out of trouble, right?

Wait. Never mind. I remember now that Sudan is not on my itenerary. You got screwed, you know? You should be promoted to Rome or Paris for all you do for world peace.

Vodka Mom said...

okay, so i WANTED to read the post, but it was so damn long and I am SO DAMN TIRED after my LAST DAY OF SCHOOL that i decided to go right to comments, say SOMETHING and then make a drink.

Come on over. The vodka is FRESH.

darsden said...

OMG that sweet lil kitty just wants some attention...just put the me mirror down and pet that lil fella... I am calling somebody.. I don't know who yet..But I think another summer in Sudan is just what your need!!!

Wonderful World of Weiners said...

Wow - y'all are a tough crowd!! I guess I am still not totally jaded cuz I had no idea that people would think I'm running a scam! Seriosuly. It's all real. My Dad got a 19 years old heart for pete's sake! (who the hell is pete btw?) What kind of person would I be if I didn't actually do what I said?

Plus my name and address and wiener dogs are all over my blog and what kind of person would post pics of their adorable wieners and NOT be honest!!

Seriously people, I hope you consider donating and entering my raffle. The prizes have started coming in and are amazing. And if you don't believe me, I'll give you my Dad's number and you can call him yourself!!

Hallie :)

Pseudonymous High School Teacher said...

I love that Josh thinks he wins stuff on Ebay.

dizzblnd said...

BREATHE woman. For the love of God.... breathe.

OK. I used to think I "won" on EBAY too.. then hubs had to keep reminding me that until I paid for it, it was not going to be sent to me.


Alas I can not donate, but I WILL pray.. I am not THAT hollow.

The kitty is way cute and I can't believe you forgot you had him. That's hilarious


I can't remember everything you just rambled on about.. but I covered what I remembered

SuburbanCorrespondent said...

You forgot you were babysitting the kitten?

Reminds me of when my daughter was in charge of taking care of the neighbor's cats while he was away. Most important of all was to make sure the cat was inside at night to get fed and stay warm. She forgot. 3 days in I asked, "So, how's the cat-sitting going?" I wish I had had a camera for the look on her face - you could tell she was picturing dead, frozen, starved kitty on the neighbor's doorstep.

It was all right, though. Cat must have had some of its nine lives left.

darsden said...

vodka mom-she can get breathie when she's talking about her self..!

otin said...

I have never even been on ebay, it does not interest me. I think you are getting attached to the kitty!!!

Jason, as himself said...

I hate it when I forget that I have stuff, like cats, and sons.

Pastor Sharon said...

Oh mercy. . . the cat did it! Well, that explains a lot! WHEW. . . I thought I was going to have to fly to Sudan and perform and exorcism!

Fragrant Liar said...

Okay, pay close attention. Stop what you're doing and step away from the cat. I saw satan in his eyes and I'm not kidding, when satan extends his mighty hot sharp claws into your furniture, your head will spin. When he uses them to climb up your leg, you will scream satan's name. I'd watch it if I were you. And I'd feed him. Little Debbies.

♥ Braja said...

i like cats.

What?

Jeez....

Gaston Studio said...

I agree with Fragrant, the kitty is Satan and you were right to close yourself in your bedroom but be careful when you leave said bedroom or else Satan kitty may be on the top of the nearest door and jump on your back... that will really make you call out Satan's name!

P.S. And I really love kitties but when they're Satan, that's another story.

Medora said...

Cat friends!!!!

I love kitties!

Suzy said...

""and you are not a hollowed out shell of a human being, bitter, broken and dead inside, fit only to walk the streets at night when nobody else is around""

Man, did you describe me or WHAT?