So, yeah... work kicked my ass today. I should have called in sick. Seriously...You guys have no idea!
KICKED MY ASS.
I suspect God smoted me....but for WHAT!?! I was good. I pretended to be nice to ALL KINDS of people! For example,
(a) there is an ass-wipe guy who lives in our compound who is mean to the puppies; I did not have him killed and believe me, I totally wanted to do so -- WHO IS MEAN TO A PUPPY!?
(b) I answered 752 retarded emails from people asking idiotic questions about stuff I don't care about and/or was already answered in email #234; I did not send back a snotty assed response for them to do their own work and look it up you lazy ass....No, I simply forwarded email #234 to them with a "let me know if I can be of further assistance." Which, in diplomatic speak means, "I would totally leave a flaming bag of poop on your desk if I were closer to you."
(c) lunch arrived today and I ate approximately half of my "chicken" sandwich before I noticed that there was MAYO on it! As such, I probably have about 7 hours left to live;
(d) I listened patiently while people paraded into my office (i.e. my private napping place) to tell me why they couldn't do this or that -- OBVIOUSLY, that is MY LINE people...get your own F'in catch phrase! and
(e) There is a chronic shortage of tonic in Khartoum!! There is none to be bought in town; our embassy stores are out of it; and people are now hoarding it in their residences!! I, however, was not informed of the upcoming embargo on the sale of tonic and I didn't know that we were supposed to hoard it -- NOW WHAT THE HELL AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WITH THIS STUPID GIN!?! Gin is disgusting if you do not have tonic!!! Plus, I was pretending to use it to cure malaria!?! NOW WHAT!
THANKS SUDAN -- now I'm going to have to add malaria to the other assortment of diseases I am relatively sure I have.....
Dear God (and/or his administrative assistant Braja),
I think there has been a mistake. Now I understand that you never make mistakes, but I do believe that you may have been MISINFORMED by some administrative assistant concerning recent events here in Khartoum. Please be advised that was NOT MY GOAT and therefore, I should not be smoted. Please remove all smotee-related smite and set my people free.
PS at your earliest convenience I would appreciate some Adderall and Valium to help me make it through this tour.
PPS And maybe Daniel Craig
PPPS And some tonic water because I think Daniel Craig is British and I think it is required to serve British people (especially in their former colonies) tonic water when they visit
PPPPS And also, if it is not too much trouble, could you please break our computers at work and/or in DC. Either option is fine with me. I'm not picky.
PPPPPS nevermind, I'm done.....
Sometimes? I'm Judgmental. Also, Seattle!
13 hours ago