Wednesday, June 3, 2009

UNCLE!!!

So, yeah... work kicked my ass today. I should have called in sick. Seriously...You guys have no idea!

KICKED MY ASS.

I suspect God smoted me....but for WHAT!?! I was good. I pretended to be nice to ALL KINDS of people! For example,

(a) there is an ass-wipe guy who lives in our compound who is mean to the puppies; I did not have him killed and believe me, I totally wanted to do so -- WHO IS MEAN TO A PUPPY!?

(b) I answered 752 retarded emails from people asking idiotic questions about stuff I don't care about and/or was already answered in email #234; I did not send back a snotty assed response for them to do their own work and look it up you lazy ass....No, I simply forwarded email #234 to them with a "let me know if I can be of further assistance." Which, in diplomatic speak means, "I would totally leave a flaming bag of poop on your desk if I were closer to you."

(c) lunch arrived today and I ate approximately half of my "chicken" sandwich before I noticed that there was MAYO on it! As such, I probably have about 7 hours left to live;

(d) I listened patiently while people paraded into my office (i.e. my private napping place) to tell me why they couldn't do this or that -- OBVIOUSLY, that is MY LINE people...get your own F'in catch phrase! and

(e) There is a chronic shortage of tonic in Khartoum!! There is none to be bought in town; our embassy stores are out of it; and people are now hoarding it in their residences!! I, however, was not informed of the upcoming embargo on the sale of tonic and I didn't know that we were supposed to hoard it -- NOW WHAT THE HELL AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WITH THIS STUPID GIN!?! Gin is disgusting if you do not have tonic!!! Plus, I was pretending to use it to cure malaria!?! NOW WHAT!

THANKS SUDAN -- now I'm going to have to add malaria to the other assortment of diseases I am relatively sure I have.....

Dear God (and/or his administrative assistant Braja),

I think there has been a mistake. Now I understand that you never make mistakes, but I do believe that you may have been MISINFORMED by some administrative assistant concerning recent events here in Khartoum. Please be advised that was NOT MY GOAT and therefore, I should not be smoted. Please remove all smotee-related smite and set my people free.

Best regards,
Michel

PS at your earliest convenience I would appreciate some Adderall and Valium to help me make it through this tour.

PPS And maybe Daniel Craig

PPPS And some tonic water because I think Daniel Craig is British and I think it is required to serve British people (especially in their former colonies) tonic water when they visit

PPPPS And also, if it is not too much trouble, could you please break our computers at work and/or in DC. Either option is fine with me. I'm not picky.

PPPPPS nevermind, I'm done.....

32 comments:

darsden said...

I KNEW you would cry UNCLE after Braja got through with you...rotflmfao...

geaux team braja

darsden said...

pretending to work...MY goodness woman what means will you go to...to pretend you aren't wearing an orange jump suit on a chain gang!

rxBambi said...

You are so funny! And you totally should have killed the guy being mean to a puppy! If you can't find any tonic try pineapple juice. Not quite the same, but at least you'll get your gin. Or switch to vodka (that would be my first suggestion).

mo.stoneskin said...

WHO IS MEAN TO A PUPPY!?

Ass-wipes. You summed it up. You just have to hope that the puppy grows up to be a big strong dog and then chases him for miles before mauling his leg.

Did I just say that?

Michel said...

Darsden: You might need valium too. I do feel like I'm in a chain gang right now.

RxB: I clearly must listen to you because you are pharmacist. Dear pharmacist, please send me drugs. besties. michel

Mo: That is EXACTLY what I am banking on; however, because I don't have that kind of patience, I may simply pelt him with eggs I have left outside for an extended period of time in the heat from my roof. Whatever. I'm not picky.

blognut said...

Dude! A, B, and D TOTALLY happened to me both yesterday and today. These morons are going to find out what it's like to do their own work next week, and then they're going to double my salary when I get back, right? They will, won't they?

Oh CRAP! What d'ya wanna bet that they just take away the rest of my vacation time instead? (Where vacation time = my reason to live.)

I think God and Braja are planning to smote me, too.

blognut said...

And when I said that A happened to me, I meant that a neighbor kicked one of my dogs this morning.

I'm not sure where we're going to hide the neighbor's body when I'm done with him, but maybe I'll start mailing you a series of strange packages and you can dispose of it there.

Michel said...

Blognut: please find us another job besides the ones we have and preferrably one where we don't have to "work"

Be a lamb and get on that - tut suite!

Michel said...

or tot suit. whatever.

Optimistic Pessimist said...

Why would someone be mean to a puppy? He must be one of satan's helpers.

Is there really a tonic shortage? I don't believe it...can in this day and age (even in third world countries) there really be a tonic shortage? How do people drink their gin???

I don't understand. I think my head is going to explode...I need to go lie down.

Hit 40 said...

I did not send tonic. However, I did send...

Cheese balls - I need a picture of them in a bowl by your tv watching...

DVDs - Unrated movies !!! with your

Bag of Big Marshmallows - I saw that you posted that you could stuff more marshmallows in your mouth than anyone else. Game on. Lets see it!! Maybe a VLOG of the marshmallow stuffing?

Or...

you could just chill with your snacks and movies :-) Sounds like you need a break from all you gardening.

Hit 40 said...

OH SHOOT!!! I forgot to look for the fart machine!!! If I find it....

it is in the mail!!

Pastor Sharon said...

Clearly, I need to explain the Triple A program to you while you are in the joint.....

A-Amoretto, A-Ambian, A-Ativan= Life is Good!

Now, go re-order your meds from the pharmacist and see if that helps out. . .
Meanwhile, I'll go talk to God and his Administrative assistant to see if I can help get you off the chain. . . . . :)
Off the chain. . . but wait, Michel, you are always "off the chain" with your blogging! Hope your evening is more pleasant. We'll will see about getting that tonic ordered in via water lines at your place! (cell block)

As for the dog getting hurt by a neighbor, when you hurt a sweet animal out a pure meaness, I am sure that is an automatic voucher for a front row seat in hell!

otin said...

Let me know if God comes through with any of those requests, it may make me reexamine my religious position!
Hit 40- I am stranded in North Carolina, and you didn't send me a damned thing!!! LOL!

CarrieAnn said...

I am making a list of people to leave flaming bags of poop for.

Lorrie Veasey said...

Just popping by (nice place ya have here by the way) to let you know that Jane! from Emptying The Nest will be guest blogging tomorrow--and I know you will have missed her as much as I have.
Her guest post will be here:
www.ournameisblog.blogspot.com
please come and say hello to her-maybe we can get her to come back like blogging. Kind of like bringing a box of wine to the intervention.

Fragrant Liar said...

You must hold the world record for smoting. Have you talked to Guinness? Maybe you can start getting a discount from the Big Guy because you've earned so many smote points. Kind of like frequent flyer miles. I think you've probably earned some freebies. But I still hope your day gets better. Or are you asleep right now? I mean, you ARE on the other side of the world.

Reddirt Woman said...

For whatever it is worth, trust me when I say that orange juice does not mix well with gin.

Just sayin'...

Helen

Gaston Studio said...

When your Josh gets home, I hope you point out the man who was mean to the puppy and if he doesn't do something about it, I'll send over my very physically fit son!

And Blognut, you're a helluva lot closer so if you need any help you let me know too! And I hope you called the police to the neighbor; kicking an animal is abuse.

I wish a lot more than mere leg mauling as stated by mo.stoneskin, although I realize he's also British and perhaps a bit more conservative than I am. I wish for the man to be boiled in oil, for just a few minutes.

Hit 40 said...

Otin - What does a man need in North Carolina? I would guess they do not sell blow up dolls.

Suzy said...

Your posts just make me want to be there with you. xxoo

Hit 40 said...

Wow - what happened to Darsden? I think she wore herself out? I will go check on her.

Char said...

Oh hon, I'm sorry you couldn't find anything to bitch about. Maybe some of your ppps request will be answered. Sleep tight.

lakeviewer said...

Mean to a puppy? Isn't that cause for war? I know I saw it down among those other causes that cannot be ignored. What's with poisoning our best with unrefrigerated food?

Heidi said...

It is extremely tiring to pretend to be nice to people. I do it all the time to my patients at work. They'll never know how much I don't care about their whiny selves.
What about sprite or some type of lemon-lime soda for your gin?

Tee aka The Diva's Thoughts said...

Isn't being mean to a puppy automatic grounds for the firing squad? I'm just asking.

Hit 40 said...

Char - I drank the gin straight up! I will be out for a while on the bathroom floor. Thank you.

Lakeviewer - Your right!! "Mean to Puppy" is a reason listed in our secret reasons to go to war handbook.

Heidi - No sprite here either? Mail me some.

Diva - I will get the guns for the firing squad! Good idea

Hit 40 said...

:-)

Captain Dumbass said...

Hopefully ass-wipe gets malaria. Or ebola. Whatever.

Michel said...

Wow this is fab - Hit 40 responds to all my comments - so I don't have to do so. It's WIN WIN!

lakeviewer said...

Who's this guy/gal that answers your commentaries? You have people; IMPRESSIVE.

Smart Mouth Broad said...

Forget the un-smoting. I think after oozing all that goodness, you must be up for Sainthood. Please report the the Vatican embassy PDQ!