Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Shit!

Okay, so I'm sitting here commenting on everyone's blogs - You know, normally, I would say, Sitting here, minding my own business - but I think we all know THAT'S not true -- Anyway, so I'm sitting here and the stupid blinds are all flapping - and it is starting to annoy me. So after like 10 minutes of this, I get up to turn off the ceiling fan and IT IS NOT ON.

SO WHAT THE HELL IS MAKING THE BLINDS FLUTTER LIKE THAT?!?!?!

Damnitt! Now I'm really going to have to move!!! Again. This shit has asbestos and is apparently haunted!! (and/or has ginormous spiders that flutter the blinds - also a viable option) So since I have wireless in the house - I have moved into the bedroom and locked myself in for safety.

Seriously!?!? WTF!?!?

Where the hell is Josh? Where is poods!? I can't handle these types of situations alone! We don't even have any Marine Security Guards here I can react to come check out the house. I'm utterly alone!!!

When I was in Algiers, there was this HUGE spider in my kitchen drawer - you could seriously see each little hair on its legs, and it hadn't seen a razor in quite a while! So naturally, I did what any professional would do -- I called the marine at Post One and told him that I was in mortal danger and needed help.

The guy went through the requisite SOP they'd established for dealing with calls from Michel:

Marine: Hello Ma'am

Me: GASP! How DARE you!?!

Marine: I mean, Michel...Hello, "Miss."

Me: I can hear your air quotes! Do you have any idea how rude that is!?

Marine: Did you need something??

Me: I'm in imminent danger!!! You must send a battalion to my house. Oh, the danger is in my kitchen.

Marine: Michel, we've been over this. The marines are at post to protect the Embassy and classified material. Not the personnel.

Me: Oh really!? You don't care if I die then?

Marine: I'm sure someone would be sad. But I cannot react the marines to protect you from the danger in your kitchen.

Me: What if I told you I had wrapped myself in classified material I found laying around the Embassy and now the CLASSIFIED is in imminent danger.

Marine: I would have to write you up for a security violation for improper handling of classified material.

Me: JOSH! You suck so bad!

Marine: Sigh. I'll be over when I'm off duty. Just stay out of the kitchen.

Me: But I'm hungry!

Marine: (click)

Why the hell did I marry that man!?!?

20 comments:

Medora said...

Spiders are hideous - but not as nasty as centipedes. I can't breathe if I see a centipede - the same reaction I have to midgets and ketchup.

Pseudonymous High School Teacher said...

So. You are not going to figure out whatis making your blinds bang? You might not be brave, but you are funny.

tera said...

"JOSH! You suck so bad!"
hahahahaha!
You completely crack me up.

I say hire an exorcist to come excise the damn spiders, ghosts of spiders, whatever is going on. Or get a spider eating cat. Mine works wonders!

Hit 40 said...

I would be on that blind thing!! I can fix about any thing. I cooled the whole temperature at my high school by putting a hot plate over a thermostat!!!

....but I would have to agree it is a ghost. Who is haunting you??

Vancouver's Enviro Girl said...

I totally get the need for a marine to fix the spider thing. I had a bug land on me this morning on the bus and I thought that perhaps I might actually lose my mind until the helpful gentleman beside me brushed it off. Yes, it was a bug the size of my fingernail (the white part of it), but it felt like King Kong.

dizzblnd said...

LMAO! Too funny.. realy.. what good is a Marine if he can't help a damsel in distress?

kristine said...

Your blog is hilarious! It would be helpful to me in so many ways not to get stuck reading post after post after post during my working hours when I technically kind of have a busy day - BUT it is hilarious. I'll be back.

Beth said...

Just out of curiosity, what would Poods do with the spider? I'd be packing to move if a big spider were in my house. We have an extra bedroom, if you need.

Wonderful World of Weiners said...

I am so spider phobic that just reading this makes me want to curl up in a fetal position, suck my thumb and whimper.

Seriosuly.

Whimper..

Hallie

casa da poesia said...

"Negema wangu binti"

Smart Mouth Broad said...

Awwwww, a love story!

rubbish said...

If your husbands a marine don't you have any guns in your place? Shooting spiders, could become an Olympic sport.

Otin said...

HaHa! Josh knows how to handle you! I just killed a black widow nest behind my back door!

Fragrant Liar said...

Are you having a heat wave? Because I'm sure a heat wave could generate enough of a, um, wave to flutter your blinds. Kind of like a tsunami of heat. Cuz things expand in the heat and that is most likely what your blinds were doing: expanding. And they would naturally make a little noise when they expand, cuz I certainly make noise when I expand (not saying what kind of noise), and I'm betting you and your blinds do too. If not, call the Marines again.

Comedy Goddess said...

Can it be Little Debbie haunting you?

blognut said...

You know how I feel about spiders.

And you married that man because he refuses to be sucked into your personal spider storm and he sounds pretty friggin' cool to me.

Plus, you probably love him.

Pastor Sharon said...

Well. . . you must have been praying loud! I heard you over here! Those blinds got you spooked? Listen, been there! And sorry about that 5-day weekend thing! Forgot it was already Wednesday!
Back to the blinds. If you really can't find anything causing the motion, email me. I can tell you what to do. . . but it is classified. . . you know, God's business. It's happened to me. I can help! Trust me on this! Seriously!

rxBambi said...

Funny, funny stuff! I love that you're there surrounded by who knows what kind of danger and youre afraid of a spider! Very classic.
Was it still in the drawer when your husband got home?

Gaston Studio said...

LMAO!!! You definitely got me on that one, and it's one of your absolute bests!!

Optimistic Pessimist said...

Spiders are dangerous...they really should have sent someone over to protect you. how dare they????