Thursday, June 4, 2009

I've Got it ALL Worked Out Now....

Okay, so Liz is moving to Naples soon. I'm thanking GOD right now (mostly so he won't smote me again, but also because then Liz can be on the same stupid timezone and I'll have someone else to harrass on the instant messenger when I am pretending to work. PLUS I won't be forced to actually DO work due to sheer boredom while I wait for 2:00 to roll around and you lazy asses in Washington to show up at work) because.... wait...where was I going with this..???

OH YEAH. I'm a GENIUS!

So you know I told you all that Liz is married to an orthopedic surgeon right?? Therefore, the way I figure, she pretty much doesn't care if she works or not (she's just like me, only she won't end up homeless in a cardboard box if she gets fired), SO by my calculations, she will have plenty of time on her hands, therefore, to figure out what it is I want to BE when I grow up!

So far I have narrowed it down to "Rich" and "Akin to Unemployed." I mean, I've pretty much done her work FOR her here.... How hard could this be??

The rich part is where I am getting stuck. I may have to engineer some kind of internet scam and/or turn to a life of crime....However, I've been considering my options:

(a) Walmart Greeter. I'm not sure they would actually hire me because I'm not so greetey or welcomey. I'm kinda more hatey. As such, this might not work...

(b) Pharmacist. I totally like to self medicate and I'm a whiz at Web MD...why I've dignosed myself with COUNTLESS maladies and diseases. Don't I just have to kinda stand at that raised podium thing with all the bottles and boxes in a white lab coat with my name embroidered on it? Also, is there a free sample section? Because I think I'd like to run the sample section. Will they accept an English degree in lieu of medical training if I have over 4,000 hours of web Md experience?? I figure I'm pretty much internet certified right now!

(c) Professional Blogger. Who are all these people that are ALLEGEDLY making money on this shit? How are they doing this and who on earth is paying them? And do they owe me money already??

(d) Little Debbie Professional Consultant. Does anyone even appreciate Little Debbie these days?? She obviously needs some help with her marketing strategy (and, frankly her hair-do)...If I were there, I would help her to target the diplomatic community. She's missing out on a cash cow here. Let's just say that little bitch wouldn't know what hit her. She obviously needs me....

(e) Crazy Pet Lady. Will someone pay me to be the crazy pet lady? Is this a job?? Because I like pets..and I am pretty much almost crazy right now - give me 2 more months here and my training will be complete.

(f) ColdStone Creamery Tester. Let's just say I'd test the shit outta that stuff.

(g) Business Class Travel Rater. United? You got some 'splaining to do!! Why the hell is it that the ladies on Emirates Air manage to be pleasant even to the people in coach (I KNOW! I didn't even think that was even a possiblity!) -and Royal Jordanian gives you lay flat seats, hot fudge sundae's AND a free gift when you leave?? -- Because I'm a USG employee (because no one else will hire me until liz figures out my new career) I am, therefore, required to fly US flagged carriers when I go back to the states -- so I will accept you guys simply not being openly hostile to me... OR

(h) Pirate. It's clearly trendy once again and I've always like those puffy shirts and would totally love a job where I am praised for my ability to swear and pillage. I'd make a seriously awesome pirate. Plus, I'd probably have a kick-ass tan. (and tan fat looks better than white fat -- it's well known).

Anyway, Liz should be there in a few weeks and I figure she'll get right to work on this. Soon the doors will be open for me. You guys can all say you knew me when I was in my starter job as a....what is it I say I do again?

Otherwise, Liz and Dan - by my calculations Sudan should throw me out of the country within the next 4 mos (tops); I'm going to need my new career settled by then. If not, you should probably plan for your new houseguest. I am goin to need my own guest house with private entrance and exit. You may also want to plan for room for Josh too - on the off chance he doesn't leave me when I'm homeless and unemployed....

You may call me Cato.

26 comments:

blognut said...

Cato, Dude!, I think that you should totally be a blogging pirate who travels from place to place testing Little Debbie snacks and Cold Stone Creamery ice cream. You are too young, (but not too crabby, as I do not believe this measured for that job), to be a Walmart greeter. Also? That pharmacy thing?

You don't really want to stand at the high counter and count pills all day. You'd lose what's left of your mind.

Michel said...

Blognut, you raise a valuable point. Besides, as a blogging pirate I could just jack all the valium and adderall I wanted, right?

otin said...

I like eating Little Debbie....Oh wait! You are talking about cake! LOL!

Middle Aged Woman said...

Have you considered professional sidekick? You could be hanging with the likes of Bruce Wayne.

rxBambi said...

OMG you cracked the secret pharmacist code! Now everyone is going to want to stand up on the podium thing and go to webmd. And don't forget that all we do is count by 5s anyway!
Oh well, welcome to the land of druggies!

Deb said...

interestingly, you have similar goals to my 15 year old son. you are welcome to join his international car theft ring he is planning to organize. he has most of the details worked out (i'm so proud), so really, you'd just need to show up.

Hit 40 said...

I pick blogger and crazy pet lady for you!! Your could blog about the crazy pets for us!!! We all seem to love animal pics and stories!! I am a sucker for both.

Or... you could waterboard occasionally at an embassy but blog the rest of the day!!

lakeviewer said...

I can't believe you're not going to Naples. Didn't you earn a promotion by now, with all that entertaining and kissing up and super-duper memos explaining how things ought to go from now on.

You got to tell Hit40 to arrange this.

Nanc Twop said...

I vote 'pirate'. Swag rules.

The Peach Tart said...

I agree with the Little Debbie sampler then you could figure out their marketing strategy....they definitely need to update the hairdo, maybe come out with a few more decadent sweets you could consult with them on..

Suzy said...

Definitely pirate.

Elizabeth said...

You know that I have been supportive of nearly all your job ideas, and would volunteer to be your sidekick during your "work" as Coldstone taster (I don't just "like it," no, I "love it!") or Little Debbie consultant. However, since I have been living with no furniture or kitchenware for 3 weeks, I can tell you that the hobo life 'aint for me. Therefore, we must check into the remuneration for any career options prior to selection.

And I hesitate to say this since you have a pharmacist blog fan (what the hell are the chances of THAT?!!), but you don't want to be a pharmacist. While you would excel at being snarky to customers, counting pills involves MATH and this is not your strong suit ("This bottle contains somewhere between 7 and 70 pills - It's a number that can't be known"). Plus the lighting in CVS is unflattering and I know for a fact that you would wear sweats under the white coat every day and that would make Josh most unhappy with you.

They say that the happiest workers are those who do work related to an interest or hobby. So, I think we need to explore career choices in the areas of sugar, booze, and TV - or, even better, all three at the same time. We should consider the possibilities over a piece of cake and a martini while we watch Law & Order (preferably the old ones with Benjamin Bratt)

tera said...

Obviously you are at LEAST 60 years too young to be a greeter at the Walmarts.
Personally, I like blognut's suggestion. In fact you can add "crazy pet lady" to your blogging pirate/cake taster occupation, because you will obviously be the pirate captain (duh) and you can bring along whomever/whatever you want. Just keep any cats separated from the talking parrots.

Hit 40 said...

Look at that!!! Tera is helping us with the comment moderation!! Excellent.

My BFF from HS - Medora made a real post!!! PLEASE GO MAKE A COMMENT TOMORROW!!! You can find her under my comments to click to!!! OH PLEASE!!

Comedy Goddess said...

I thought you were being all you can be.

Is Cato blogging yet?

Jaime said...

nice...i pirate professional blogger. i think you're on to something!

Pastor Sharon said...

Okay. . . as much as you love those pooches in the backyard. . . I'm going with crazy pet lady. . I have a couple of friends who have opened pet daycares here and they are making a fortune!!!!!
No joke!
One little white fluffy guy named Jazz comes in every morning at 7:30am and sits in front of the TV watching Disney movies. When they are done, he barks so my friend knows it's time to change the movie.

Pastor Sharon said...

Think about it, Michel. . . you would never be "God-smoted" again!!! It would be just like Noah's Ark. . . you, 'crazy lady' loving all those sweet animals during the day. . . and leaving at like 5pm to head off for a nice Chocolate Martini somewhere. . . oh no wait, Bacon Martini somewhere, with cake and sweets, and little Debbie's and oh the bliss.
I bet Darsden would even help you plant flowers, not plastic, in your new back yard!
I can market your business. . .cause that was my past career. . . and I will boast that I was AMAZING at it. . . and then you will be like the "Queen of Everything".
And then you can write to all of your friends in prison and tell them how you have rehabilitated and it will just be grand! Whataya say?

mo.stoneskin said...

Crumbs, lots of great ideas. I would say don't go with pirate - they're cracking down on pirates again. Devising an Internet scam seems to be a great day.

Got it!

Pretend to be a retired orthopedic surgeon. Charge for consultancy all from the protection of a website...

Michel said...

Hit40: You're obviously falling behind on my comment moderation - This is kinda shoddy work, I mean...I've been paying you literally 0s of dollars to assist me and this is the type of work you put in?

Liz, I'm glad you're actually thinking about this! Please get to Naples so that I can visit you immediately! no seriously, Dan would want me there.

Everyone has such wonderful suggestions, but I think actually MO might be onto something. I pretend to be an orthopedic surgeon - I con liz' hubby dan to write down a list of big words for me to use and I "consult" which I take to mean tell people what I think about what they ask or say.

I charge old people who are in pain money for my services knowing full well I won't help them...

Wait. That's gonna get me a smoting, isn't it?

DAMNITT!

Pastor Sharon said...

You are gloating for a smoting, aren't you?

Gaston Studio said...

OMG, you're going to start charging me, AN OLD PERSON, for a fake consultancy?! I'm going to text God right now, via Authorblog who definitely has the text number, and boy, is he going to put a smoting on you!

Gaston Studio said...

Even Sharon won't be able to help you with all her ministry and marketing skills!

Smart Mouth Broad said...

I'm voting for pirate. Yo ho ho and a bottle of rum!

Kate said...

Well, if you are going to be a pirate, or a Walmart greeter, that will cut into your time to "I'll have someone else to harrass on the instant messenger when I am pretending to work" though, if you really are that lazy, pirate may not be a good option. They always keep moving.

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