Okay, so Liz is moving to Naples soon. I'm thanking GOD right now (mostly so he won't smote me again, but also because then Liz can be on the same stupid timezone and I'll have someone else to harrass on the instant messenger when I am pretending to work. PLUS I won't be forced to actually DO work due to sheer boredom while I wait for 2:00 to roll around and you lazy asses in Washington to show up at work) because.... wait...where was I going with this..???
OH YEAH. I'm a GENIUS!
So you know I told you all that Liz is married to an orthopedic surgeon right?? Therefore, the way I figure, she pretty much doesn't care if she works or not (she's just like me, only she won't end up homeless in a cardboard box if she gets fired), SO by my calculations, she will have plenty of time on her hands, therefore, to figure out what it is I want to BE when I grow up!
So far I have narrowed it down to "Rich" and "Akin to Unemployed." I mean, I've pretty much done her work FOR her here.... How hard could this be??
The rich part is where I am getting stuck. I may have to engineer some kind of internet scam and/or turn to a life of crime....However, I've been considering my options:
(a) Walmart Greeter. I'm not sure they would actually hire me because I'm not so greetey or welcomey. I'm kinda more hatey. As such, this might not work...
(b) Pharmacist. I totally like to self medicate and I'm a whiz at Web MD...why I've dignosed myself with COUNTLESS maladies and diseases. Don't I just have to kinda stand at that raised podium thing with all the bottles and boxes in a white lab coat with my name embroidered on it? Also, is there a free sample section? Because I think I'd like to run the sample section. Will they accept an English degree in lieu of medical training if I have over 4,000 hours of web Md experience?? I figure I'm pretty much internet certified right now!
(c) Professional Blogger. Who are all these people that are ALLEGEDLY making money on this shit? How are they doing this and who on earth is paying them? And do they owe me money already??
(d) Little Debbie Professional Consultant. Does anyone even appreciate Little Debbie these days?? She obviously needs some help with her marketing strategy (and, frankly her hair-do)...If I were there, I would help her to target the diplomatic community. She's missing out on a cash cow here. Let's just say that little bitch wouldn't know what hit her. She obviously needs me....
(e) Crazy Pet Lady. Will someone pay me to be the crazy pet lady? Is this a job?? Because I like pets..and I am pretty much almost crazy right now - give me 2 more months here and my training will be complete.
(f) ColdStone Creamery Tester. Let's just say I'd test the shit outta that stuff.
(g) Business Class Travel Rater. United? You got some 'splaining to do!! Why the hell is it that the ladies on Emirates Air manage to be pleasant even to the people in coach (I KNOW! I didn't even think that was even a possiblity!) -and Royal Jordanian gives you lay flat seats, hot fudge sundae's AND a free gift when you leave?? -- Because I'm a USG employee (because no one else will hire me until liz figures out my new career) I am, therefore, required to fly US flagged carriers when I go back to the states -- so I will accept you guys simply not being openly hostile to me... OR
(h) Pirate. It's clearly trendy once again and I've always like those puffy shirts and would totally love a job where I am praised for my ability to swear and pillage. I'd make a seriously awesome pirate. Plus, I'd probably have a kick-ass tan. (and tan fat looks better than white fat -- it's well known).
Anyway, Liz should be there in a few weeks and I figure she'll get right to work on this. Soon the doors will be open for me. You guys can all say you knew me when I was in my starter job as a....what is it I say I do again?
Otherwise, Liz and Dan - by my calculations Sudan should throw me out of the country within the next 4 mos (tops); I'm going to need my new career settled by then. If not, you should probably plan for your new houseguest. I am goin to need my own guest house with private entrance and exit. You may also want to plan for room for Josh too - on the off chance he doesn't leave me when I'm homeless and unemployed....
You may call me Cato.
Sometimes? I'm Judgmental. Also, Seattle!
13 hours ago