Monday, August 10, 2009

Some Reasons to Love Where You Are - If You're in America or Maybe Canada - Although Maybe Not Canada Because That's NOT Bacon!

I'm kinda not sure why I feel the need to consistently notify Canada that THAT IS NOT BACON....but it's probably because they keep insisting on calling it bacon, when it's kinda just thin-cut ham. I get very confused by Canada. If you insist you're no longer a British colony (although did you actually tell the people in the UK that? Do they know?? Can I bring it up??), then why is the Queen still on your money?? Why do you still ask her stuff?? I mean, sure! She has great hats and all, but still. It's confusing to Americans.

Obviously I got distracted again, but Canada has some explaining to do!

So anyway, I've been back here in Khartoum for about 6 days now and I have realized that there was a LOT of stuff that I simply took for granted when I lived in Virginia - remember when I used to say it was hot in Virginia?? haha.... good times.

Anyway, I feel like I didn't really treasure the goodness that is America when I had access to it. Therefore, I thought I would point out just a few things so that you can be thankful for what you have:

FIRST, when you're in the States, you'll likely not going to have to go to a meeting with some British people at the British Embassy who will tell you they will see you at "Half-Eight tomorrow."

HALF EIGHT?? WTF does that mean!? Listen up UK, I can barely do math when I have to do so, I certainly don't need you setting meeting times with me in story problem format!!

WTF?! Am I supposed to go there at 4?? At 7:30 pm?? At 8:30 pm? Now I'm totally going to have to show up at random times throughout the day and go, "heeeeey...???....I know you said 'half eight' but I just happened to be walking near your Embassy....oh, well, not really WALKING per se, I mean, that would be wrong because we're not really allowed to do that unless we're encased in an armored shell... so I was just...I mean...."

Next, remember how I told you guys I was on a big ole diet because I totally ate waaay too much and drank a lot of beer while I was in the States (treasuring my ability to actually ORDER a beer when you go out to a restaurant, however, as it turns out -- SOMETIMES, just because you CAN do something, doesn't necessarily mean you SHOULD do it. I'm just saying. Sometimes (like at breakfast and stuff) you shouldn't. It could happen.)

Anyway, I've been on this diet and exercise program for literally fours of days now and instead of being all skinny and happy, I'm just hungry and hurtey!! It has become apparent that exercise is not really for me. Since it was day four, I figured I was ready for the "big girl weights" in my Ogilve Home Pilates routine that I "do" in the morning before work -- I KNOW! How dedicated am I?? -- as it turns out, however, I was not.

So, as I was telling Kat today (who is forced to listen to my complaints on a daily basis at work in in Washington, and is likely to end up with a sainthood), I realized that I am being held to an unfair Standard as far as making sure you don't get so fat that your clothes no longer fit. Why? You ask??

Because! As I have pointed out previously to anyone who will listen (and when I need to justify a new clothing purchase with the hubby) there are basically two temperatures of water available in Sudan:
Scalding; and
Molten Hot Lava.

As a result, my clothes are shrinking at an astronomical rate!! I realize that nobody will believe me - ESPECIALLY when I tend to wax poetic about American heros such as Little Debbie and Dolly Madison....

THEREFORE, in order to avoid a potential humiliating experience where I end up cashing it all in and moving back in with my parents (ostensibly to take care of them) and getting myself a kitty that I swear thinks it's people, I think it would just be EASIER for all involved if science would stop messing around with cloning crap and just figure out which one is the fat gene and then come over here and suck it out of me.

Oh, and while you're here, an Africa Fly got into my office today and has been harassing me all day. He is creating a hostile work environment!!! So anyway, while you're here, please deport his ass him back to Sudan.

He doesn't have a badge.

18 comments:

Medora said...

Uh, who cares what Canada does? I forget that it's there, most of the time. . . except for South Park. I love what SP does to Canada.

rubbish said...

Imagine how upset the Queen must feel when she pulls out a five pound note. She'll be looking at it thinking "look how pretty I was when I was younger".
A constant reminder of her own immortality.
Mind you, a few billion in the bank should counter balance that.

kristine said...

The queen's hats are really not that great.
Having said that, she does seem perfectly charming, if you ask me. I like the queen. Dont slag off the queen. Having said THAT, I agree with you about the half eight thing. I dont know why they do that. Its so confusing.

darsden said...

oh where you saying something..I forgot to listen..LOL

"instead of being all skinny and happy, I'm just hungry and hurtey!!" that is hysterical"

I think that is what happened to my clothes too hot water...bad hot water.. yea!!!

Captain Dumbass said...

Dammit! Leave the bacon alone. I don't think anybody even really eats that stuff, it's like an urban legend. And excuse us for separating amicably from England and not having a messy war. AND I don't care who is on my money, as long as it's my money.

Hit 40 said...

My washer also just spits out hot water!! Definitely why I need to go buy some bigger pants. Thanks for the tip. I will tell my hubby this is why I am going shopping.

A relative has a husband who is a kernel in the marines. He is going to Afghanistan this fall too. Not sure what his assignment will be or title of the job. Kinda secretive. He currently works in the pentagon. Too cool if you run into him.

Suzy said...

OK Dizz, I don't think, I may be wrong, that the marines let a kernel (sic) into the Marines in that they're all small and stuff and bad at hand to hand combat.

Michel, after this last paripatetic (Sp?)month of traveling I've totally lost track of where you are. WHERE IN THE FUCK ARE YOU?

Smart Mouth Broad said...

I couldn't agree more about "canadian bacon". HA! Horsefeathers! Rubbish! I like real bacon in my bacon. And don't even talk to me about turkey bacon!

OK, the truth is that the DAMN SOUTH BEACH DIET has taken over all my common sense and taste buds and I know purchase, prepare and eat both turkey bacon and Canadian bacon formerly known as ham. *sigh*

Fragrant Liar said...

Half Eight? That says FOUR to me! And I know fractions! Fractionally, but who's counting? Now the question is, is it 4 AM or 4 PM? You could be totally late by now.

BTW, I had a beer, around Half Eight, called Leinenkugel's, and it was from Chippawa Falls, WI, which is really, really close to Canada. Just keeping with the Canadian theme, you know. And beer at sunrise.

Now as far as the annoying African Fly, I can assure you, he has heat stroke. You might wanna take pity on the poor little guy. Get a pity kitty and put Fly-Boy out of his misery.

Oh, and welcome back to Khartoum! (Ha, like I'm there to welcome you back. I kill myself.)

otin said...

Michel, it is your ability to see the good in every situation and every person that makes me love you so! HAHA! You have to wonder who is really smarter about the bacon? Why do we like the fat?

Pastor Sharon said...

Canadian bacon. . . do you think it would taste could in Vodka?

Pastor Sharon said...

Also, I am doing a study right now with certain people. Therefore, biographies are part of my research. Could you send me the biographies of the GREAT LEADERS Dolly Madison and Little Debbie. I simply cannot find them at the library!

Gaston Studio said...

Yeah, the poor queen, with all those jewels and money I doubt she cares who's picture is on the bills. I kind of like her hats tho.

Scalding hot water; can you get your hands on some Cold Water Tide? And I'm not referring to any of Pat Conroy's books. BTW, he's just come out with his lates book, South Broad; the first in 14 years and I hope it's available on the Kindle!

Frankly, I prefer Canadian bacon on Eggs Benedict, but that's the only place I like that stuff.

Have you considered the Fly is a Spy? Maybe a miniature drone? Watch what you say and do for the next few days.

jb said...

Michel,

I came by to tell you that you're starring on my blog this week, and here you're picking on Canada again. What's up with that? I mean, America does plenty of things that are confusing to Canadians, so I'd say we're even. :)

Peace,
JB xo

Optimistic Pessimist said...

i don't understand what you mean by:

"SOMETIMES, just because you CAN do something, doesn't necessarily mean you SHOULD do it."

Can you please elaborate? I've never hear this wild theory before. I think the heat has gone to your head.

tera said...

SMB: did you know (don't ask how I do, my head is full of random crap) that the average life span of a taste bud is 10 days? So stop the damn South Beach Diet and you'll be alright in no time.

Michel: Maybe the trick is to get Debbie and Dolly to do the laundry??

blognut said...

I think, in America, Canada, or Sudan, you should be able to order Dolly Madison snacks, Little Debbie snacks, and BEER for breakfast no matter what. And you should.

And that Canadian bacon stuff? It's GOOD. No, it isn't bacon, but it's REALLY good.

jb said...

Eh!!!!I think the Queen is kind of hot Eh.....in an old ratty way.....and whats wrong with thin ham slices AKA Bacon lolol. This is just made me pee a little in my undies.

huggs
jbxoxxo